Beat, beat, beat. Beat, beat, beat. The music thunders through you like a pulse. Perspiration, blood-warm, glides sensuously down your torso. Heat builds in your flesh. The party begins. You start to move. You feel alive.

Perhaps, for many gay men, there is nothing quite like the clubbing scene. For many of us, it's the high point of the week. The time when we break free from the constraints set upon us by the hetero world, and come together to celebrate ourselves, in our own little micro universe. But in many ways, the scene is also an arena, a place where we offer ourselves up to the judgement of our peers or at least to your peers.

I use the word "club" in its broadest sense, to mean nightlife. The precise definition tends to change from country to country - in some it's a dance place, in another it's purely a drinking establishment, or worse, the local karaoke joint (shudder). But taken in context, all these have the same basic idea - going boldly into the night, armed with attitude and a positively driving need to let your hair down. And be admired, of course.

So, when heading out to kick ass in those stilettos, keep in mind the important "essentials".

"Out" Fit
The right clothes, the right hair, the right everything. Out of the corner of your eye, you know people are watching you. Envying you. Wanting you. You look perfect, and it shows. But only for tonight.

Ninety percent of gay men know that clothes are THE most important thing to plan. The remaining 10% like myself, if smart enough, hire a fashion consultant. But it's simply not enough to dress well. One has to dress gay well. What you're wearing has to make you seem like you have a personality, even if you're not really well acquainted with one.

Whether it's the signature tank tops, the white shirt and blue jeans, the designer name brand artfully torn so as to display nonchalant extravagance, it has to be noticed, it has to scream of taste, and gay attitude. Or you might as well just buy a tight T-shirt off some bargain rack and look like the thousands of other gay clones out there.

So when planning your wardrobe for the night, take a step back, look in the closet, and ask yourself, "what do I want to be tonight." Then take another step back, give yourself a pinch, and ask yourself what you really think you can be tonight. Go with that. Also, wearing the same clothes within any given 6-month period is a no-no. Gay men are supposed to spend their money on nothing else but clothes and the gym. Go with the flow, dear, go with the flow.

Always wear the right, comfortable shoes. If you know you're in for a night of non-stop dancing, be sure to wear your comfiest pair you have - bleeding all over your Pradas is not the best way to cap an evening.

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If you expect to be eyed from head to foot constantly, wear your most expensive pair. Or the most expensive-looking ones. And if you're hoping to get picked up somewhere, wear the ones with the tallest heels. Also useful for driving off losers who can't take a hint.

Of course, choosing the right accessories can be just the thing for an otherwise bland exterior. It all depends on the image you want to project. The artist? Earring (only one, dear, unless you're going hip-hop), clever or well-crafted jewellery, and maybe a jaunty hat of some sorts (none of those fishing hats unless you want to look like a Japanese tourist). If you're trying to project the butch archetype, wear silver or steel, in unusual designs. And if you want sensual femininity? Gold, and pearls, of course. Party boy extraordinaire? Don't bother. You'll just lose them when you whip off that tank top to flex your abs on the podium. Glow sticks, however, are another matter.

Women of the older generation always go by a rule of thumb when accessorising. Put on all the jewellery you want to wear for the night, then take one piece off and go with that. Good advice, especially for those of us who tend to go over the top.

I'm not gonna talk about hair. There's not enough space. Suffice it to say that a cheap haircut will always be noticed, and a bad dye job will never be forgotten.

Pocket Basics

Someone nuzzles up to you with a hi and a leer. He's cute. You smile back. Slowly. Meaningfully. You taste his scent in the air, and it is pleasing. Leaning closer, you nibble his moist lower lip. Just a little bit.

Always carry the things you'll need to keep in top form all night long. If your outfit doesn't have pockets, a sling bag or something of the like may be necessary, though somewhat pass�. Like breath freshener. While it's likely that most of the people you'll be trying to scream sweet nothings to over the music will be too drunk or stoned to notice a wee bit of halitosis, why risk getting snubbed by the guy you've been working on all night. Or worse, kiss you passionately then immediately get a drink to wash out the taste.

While you're remembering the sweet-smelling stuff, you might want to bring a small vial of whichever cologne or fragrance you're using. Not essential though, as likely everyone else in the room is gonna be plastered with each other's sweat anyway.

Don't forget the lip-gloss. In the dark, a glistening, moist, luscious looking pair of lips (facial hair notwithstanding) can just be the eye catcher you need. I have a friend in Singapore who swears by it.

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Cellular phone. This is a must. If you don't have one, save the money you're gonna spend at the club till you get one. Even if you never use it. There's nothing quite like a snazzy, tiny little cellphone (reverse size queenism?) to make you look glam and fashionable. Pretend to use it often, even if the only friend you have is standing next to you (makes you look popular), or to fend off unwanted attention (see shoes above) by smiling apologetically while you take a fictitious call and move away. And it's definitely a plus when you need to take down some stud's number and can't find a convenient waiter to bum a pen from. Lastly, on a really slow and depressing night, you can position it strategically in your pocket on vibro mode. Sometimes, cheap thrills are better than none.

And absolutely be sure to have enough cash and/or plastic on you! There's nothing more embarrassing than not having enough money to pay your bill (can we say social death?) Don't bring too much, though. While flashing a thick billfold can attract you some attention, more likely than not it will be the nearest rent boy. Or some annoying bar leech acquaintance hoping to mooch a drink off you.

Finally, one of the most, utterly important things every gay man should always consciously bring: rubbers. 'Course, they aren't going to be much use if you don't use them. But should the time come that you get lucky, he's asking you to go somewhere private, and you foresee a really hot night ahead, you'll be kicking yourself if you'd forgotten to slip them into your back pocket.

Have a Bitchin' Good Time

Smile. Hug. Mingle. Air kisses. Share drinks. Gyrate. Sweat. Laugh. Talk. Bitch. Especially, bitch. Nothing like a good joke or juicy rumour to make a night out complete. Well, almost nothing.

Always prep your mind before you head out. Whether it's to entertain yourself, get laid, relieve the boredom of another Ally rerun, lighten up some depression, trade catty barbs with friends about the crowd or just to ogle at some hot bodies on the dance floor, always tell yourself you're going out to have a good time. Don't make yourself any other promises, just that. Everything else will happen or not, as fate decrees. But as long as you have a good time, everything else becomes secondary.

After all, if you're not going to enjoy yourself, you might as well go buy a tub of ice cream and just stay at home. If you're the homebody type and are just going out to humour friends, try not to be Miss Doom and Gloom all night. Although, it might spare you another invite in the future.

The operative word here is gay. Going out to club is an affirmation of it. So go out there, sharpen your claws and share your sense of humour. Then again, if you haven't smiled at least once while reading all this fluff, you may have to search a little harder for it.