For most gay men, having to think about something other than themselves is an entirely alien concept. I mean, that's why we're gay isn't it? So we can live a life of self-indulgent gay abandon. Oh we of course can show a type of concern for others - particularly if they've just been cruelly dumped (again) - but taking joint responsibility to care for a dog, something that will probably live for over ten years? Well, it will certainly test the bonds of your relationship, along with the durability of that supposedly stain-proof priceless rug
Of course, as soon as you and your boyfriend get pets, you have to put up with patronizing questions from straight folk, such as "Do you consider them your children?" No, we don't, I answer, because our dogs are always going to love and respect us and not grow up, demand money and then fuck off. That may have been a bit harsh, but then my mother did ask for it.
But she did get me thinking. What do pets add to a gay relationship? Are they really substitutes for children? A kind of cement for an ailing relationship, or an embodiment of commitment?
Having a dog does change your whole perception of your relationship. Even discussing getting a pet with your lover suggests that the two of you feel comfortable enough in the relationship to imagine a future together with a happy little mutt to bring you your ruby slippers and copy of HIS magazine. And unlike some straight couples, who do have children purely as a reason to stay together, I think most gay couples are more honest about their feelings for each other and would just get up and walk out of a relationship rather than trying to hold it together with the shared responsibility of a pet. For the most part, gay couples that get dogs do it for positive reasons, presumably in the same way that lesbian couples get cats.
Of course, the main reason gay men get dogs is that dogs can be used to accessorise to a much more dramatic effect. An older Taiwanese friend of mine and his boyfriend of many years have a miniature Yorkshire terrier that goes by the name of Louis Lee, who's carried around bars and shopping malls in a Louis Vuitton bag and gets the full treatment at the most exclusive dog parlor in town at least once a week. To his credit, he takes all the inevitable schmoozing like a real lady, and he's never seen with the same ribbonned bangs more than once in a season. Of course, after little Louis Lee was stolen that time, bag and all, his owners decided that the diamond-studded bracelet for a collar may have been a bit much, and now the poor pooch does his valiant best to hold his head up in paste accoutrements. He's definitely a trooper, despite what they must be saying behind geisha paws at the parlor.
But even if you've got your puppy for the most noble of reasons, there'll still be some who find fault. Ex-boyfriends, particularly ones that are currently between partners, will hint that you've got a dog because you're not getting enough sex, and others may suggest that you spend so much time walking around the park at night that at least you'll have a legitimate reason for being there when the police turn up. It will take a while before other gay men realize that your getting a dog together is actually because you're in a committed relationship, and it's a shame that the cognitive leap involved is often too much for Prada-obsessed single queens to make.
You might think that the first thing you have to decide is what are you going to call the dear little thing, but actually, in a gay relationship, the most important thing is to decide what you are going to call yourselves. Will one of you be "mommy" and the other "daddy" or are you both too proud and insist on being "daddies"? I've yet to see t-shirts at Mardi Gras that proudly proclaim "My Dog Has Two Daddies" and I think it's a shocking gap in the market, but it's definitely a tricky issue for gay men. Lesbians won't have this problem, but for a gay man "Who's mommy's best boy then?" is only slightly preferable to "Who's your gender-neutral caregiver's best boy then?" believe me. The language you use between your lover and your dog is all well and good at home, but beware slipping into your designated roles in the park and screaming "Come to mommy!" at the top of your voice.
Of course at some point, the jade-hued monster will rear its coiffed head. Perhaps you're lavishing too much affection on your dog that your boyfriend feels a bit left out. Well as long as you're not actually having sex with the dog, your boyfriend can just deal with it. But while I'm on the subject, if you have a non-neutered male dog, be careful to shut that bedroom door, as on more than one occasion my lover and me have been quite rudely interrupted. Dogs, like many gay men, just don't care what they put it in. So unless you plan to remake Bestiality Boys, be warned.
More of the joys of the gay family unit are that it will give you so many more things to argue about. Instead of arguing in public about him looking at other men, you can now argue in the pet store over which type of dried dog food to buy, whose turn it to take the dog for a walk, and, if you live near a cruising ground, why did that walk take so long?
Getting a dog will also make you look at your lover in a different way. While he'll still be the hot stud you originally fell for - well, occasionally at least - he'll also be your partner in something that will give you both happiness and lots of fun. Finding the kind of lover I could consider getting a dog with was a dream of mine for many years, although in my wistful fantasy I had never imagined the dog bounding into the lounge after a recent dinner party with our purple rubber dildo in his slobbering mouth. Dogs, remember, can also be such bitches.