I suspect I am somehow related to supermodel and uber-diva Naomi Campbell.
Reason: I was sorely tempted to grab the current celeb weapon-of-choice and assault security officials at the recent Singapore Bodybuilding Nationals with my pink Motorola Razor - all because I was barred (yes, you heard right - barred!) from the backstage of Kallang Theatre where the competition was held.
Despite my Meryl Streep-like acting abilities and my claim that I was a participant in the Miss Singapore Fitness segment of the competition, the security officials were somehow able to penetrate my disguise - apparently, my legs were too well-shaven and I had no discernible Adam's Apple unlike the rest of the Miss Singapore Fitness contestants.
Defeated but still defiant, I pushed my way to my seat through a sea of musclemen with necks the size of my combined thighs and musclewomen spotting discernible moustaches, and consoled myself with the fact that all my favourite local musclemen will be competing at this most prestigious event on the Singapore bodybuilding calendar.
Top: Tong Chin Wee who competed in the Middle Weight Category and Adrian Tan who made his much anticipated comeback in the Light-Middle Weight Category at the recent Singapore Bodybuilding Nationals.
When the competition started, I planted myself at the front of the stage and started snapping away. Unfortunately, my instructions to the competitors to "Look fierce!", "Create your own wind!" and "Think couture!" were greeted with blank looks not seen since Madonna last appeared on the big screen - which only fuelled my personal belief that the bodybuilding community is utterly fashion illiterate.
My disappointment with the contestants' "stiff" performances soon evaporated when Adrian took to the stage in a pair of red lycra trunks. When he started his posing routine, I did what Laura Branigan sang about in her only hit and completely lost my "Self Control." To this day, I am conceived that the screams which tore from my notorious deep throat were something the audience will never forget.
No doubt because of my overwhelming vocal support and my one-man cheerleading routine, Adrian ended up being the big winner in the competition - winning both the Light-Middle Weight Category as well as the "Mr. Singapore" title which was conferred to the overall winner of the Singapore Bodybuilding Nationals.
While I was doing my imitation of a performing seal and clapping away deliriously during Adrian's prize presentation, it dawned on me that while I, Fridae's Muscle Maiden, may find musclemen to be most attractive (note: I said "muscleMEN" not "Muscle Marys"), many members of the gay community will probably beg to differ.
For instance, gay men who prefer their partners/dates/flings to have baby-butt smooth complexions will not find bodybuilders remotely attractive because they tend to have bad skin - either because they strive to achieve the trapped-in-a-tanning-machine-and-burnt-to-a-crisp look or because their diet, training and tendency to overdose on muscle enhancers often result in pimple outbreaks usually associated with pubescents with overactive sebaceous glands.
Likewise, fashion fags will never date (or admit to dating) bodybuilders because they are repeat style offenders with their bed-sheet sized t-shirts and their drawstring pants which are baggy enough to accommodate two sows and their respective litters. To make matters worse, fashion fags will argue that because of their hulk-like bulks, bodybuilders are almost impossible to shop for and will never look good in designer gear.
Gracious gym bunnies will also find bodybuilders a big turn-off because of the obnoxious behaviour of a few bad eggs which includes grunting loudly when exercising, intimidating fellow gym goers to give up their works stations and bellowing about their conquests to anyone within hearing distance - perhaps in a desperate attempt to counter the rumours of rampant homosexuality in the bodybuilding fraternity.
Other reasons given by gay men who tut-tut disapprovingly at the suggestion of dating bodybuilders include the fact that bodybuilders are more picky about what they eat than a dieting supermodel, and the belief that bodybuilders tend to be wholly self-absorbed and vainglorious - otherwise, how does one explain their interest in a sport which involves preening in front of a mirror or an audience wearing nothing more than a shrunken handkerchief with rubberbands?
But perhaps most damaging to the desirability quotient of bodybuilders is the common (mis)conception that bodybuilders tend to abstain from sex in the weeks leading up to competitions. To most gay men who tend to think about sex every other minute, the prospect of celibacy often kills off any nascent interest they may have for their bodacious bodybuilders.
However, there is still hope for the Few Gay Men who are interested in bodybuilders.
I'll have you know that I was informed by a credible source who wished to remain anonymous that the opposite is true (don't worry Adrian, your secret is safe with me!) and in fact, by engaging in strenuous sexercises just before going onstage, bodybuilders can improve their "overall vascularity" and achieve that much-prized "vein-popping" look.
Having cleared that up, I must now excuse myself and make my way to the gym to sweat it out with Adrian while listening to him shout out erotically-charged orders along the lines of "Tighten those butt muscles! Now squat!"