æ: Let's talk about sex.
æ (in a deep, dulcet tones): What does sex mean to you?
Van: To me, sex is one of life's many wonderful gifts. For that brief moment during sex, I am not only connected to the other person physically but (if I choose to) I could be connected to him emotionally and spiritually as well. It's like two universes colliding in space and then separating again afterward. I run into many people who have a lot of hang ups or guilt about sex and I say to them, "Look, in 50 to 75 years, the world won't even know you exist" so "gather ye rosebuds while ye may." Having said that, please practice safe sex.
æ (channeling millions of eager Fridae readers): What constitutes great foreplay in your opinion?
Van: Well, foreplay doesn't have to be in bed or something one does right before sex. I like playing cat and mouse games with a stud at the gym for a month or so. Stealing a glance at each other across the gym floor ... knowing that we are interested in each other ... pretending to be talking to my cell phone when he's waiting for me outside hoping that he's at the gym when I'm there and getting disappointed if he's not then knowing that he feels the same way. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I'll move in for the "kill".
æ (channeling even more eager Fridae readers): And what makes for incredible tantric sex?
Van: In my opinion, tantric sex should be reserved for long time partners as it goes beyond physical sex. This is when two people take the time to explore every inch of each other's body and soul. During tantric sex, they are in another realm and time is irrelevant. In the end, they will not only learn more about each other but they will discover a lot about themselves. And oh, make sure there's plenty of warm massage oil and candles around.
æ: What do you think is the most underrated thing about sex?
Van: The pre-sex moment, foreplay, is underrated I think. My favorite thing is watching a stud slowly taking off his pants and I can see his ample bulge in his white underwear. I enjoy kissing a guy for a long time half undressed. I can usually get a "mental orgasm" right there.
æ (throat suddenly gone dry): Ahem so what do you think is the most overrated thing about sex?
Van: Sex itself is overrated. People are not getting enough or they feel it's a taboo subject to talk about. Some people can only deal with it as fantasy and hence it becomes overrated. Many people use sex for different reasons, so ask yourself, "Why am I doing this?" If your answer is other than "It feels good" or "It's fun", then you must deal with the real answer.
æ: So what turns you on about a guy and what turns you off?
Van: I love a guy with a nice round ass or a guy with DSL (Dick Sucking Lips). Sex is fun when I'm with someone who is comfortable or happy with his own body. I can't get excited when the guy has onion or garlic breath. HBO (Heavy Body Odor) is a goner for me also. Oh! And this message goes out to all you bottoms out there: "Clean out your holes before sex!"
æ (making a mental note to work out glutes and undergo emergency collagen lip injections): In your view, what are the key bedroom skills every gay man should possess?
æ: All right then, describe your first sexual experience in lurid details.
Van (coyly): Hmmmm. I make it a point that every sexual experience I engage in ... is my first.
(Fridae shoots Van an icy look of utter disbelief)
Van: Okay. Okay. It was with my 15-year-old neighbor. I was 10. We were with a group of kids. Someone dared us to kiss. I never kissed a boy before, and it was a deep, mind- blowing kiss that lasted for more than 30 minutes. We couldn't control ourselves and didn't care that the other kids were watching. We were grinding our crotch against each other and groped one another simultaneously. It was my first time but strangely, it felt very natural and very familiar to me. I remembered his huge penis got wet and slimy but I didn't care. Then he seemed to be in pain when I touched his penis, so we stopped. Everybody around us was frozen in shock.
æ: Care to share with our readers the naughtiest thing you've ever done in bed?
Van: Giving a competitive bodybuilder a "shower" in bed. Enough said.
æ (on a roll): What about the most embarrassing encounter you've had?
Van: About 10 years ago, I went cruising in park at night with my best friend. He was visiting from out of town and we thought we might try something different and naughty. As the night went on, I spent a good 15 minutes cruising this guy in the dark about 5 feet away ...grabbing my crotch to let him know that I was interested ...you know, the usual cruising techniques. My friend saw what's happening and came by to tell me that my stud was in fact a six foot tall bush. True story!
æ: Madonna, William Defoe and dripping wax in Body of Evidence, Glenn Close, Michael Douglas and a dodgy lift in Fatal Attraction or Bert, Ernie and a narrow bed in Sesame Street which best describes your idea of a fun time?
Van: A combination actually. Beginning with tying up Toby McGuire in his ripped up Spiderman costume and then dripping candle wax on his ass. Untying him, putting him on my kitchen counter and then doggy-lifting him with his legs over my shoulder. And when he passes out, I carry him over to my narrow bed.
æ (gleefully laying a trap): Fill in the blank: "I'm going to __________ you until you can't take any more."
a) Screw
b) Lick
c) Whip
d) Nag
Van: Hmmm... a) but I prefer to say "I'm going to pound on you until you can't take it any more."
æ (springing the trap): Why Van! How forward of you to say so! (Moment of shocked silence)
æ (crestfallen but still professional): Anyway if you could be reincarnated as a sex toy or accessory, which would it be and why?
Van: But I am already a sex toy! (Laughs) Why? Simply because the world has enough doctors and lawyers and such.
æ: Last question, where's your G-spot?
Van: My (censored).
(Note: The writer has, for once, decided to abuse his position as scribe and keep that juicy nugget of information exclusively for himself. However, he is open to sexual bribery if interested candidates bare an uncanny resemblance to Daniel Wu, Edison Chen, Won Bin or Van Darkholme).
Van Darkholme will be making a special appearance in Singapore on Aug 8 at Fridae's Nation party.