Your Royal Highness Babs,

Ms Scary will have you know that she holds you (yes, you) accountable for ruining her pair of Jimmy Choos. All because Ms Scary had to scour all three levels of HMV with the intensity of a National Environment Agency worker looking for dengue-spreading mosquito larvae when she heard that your new album Guilty Pleasures was out in the stores.

After scrutinising every single shelf for over an hour, Ms Scary finally found your new album at the I'll-never-be-caught-there Evergreens Section (the shame!). With cheeks flushed with embarrassment, Ms Scary quickly paid for your album and left HMV in a hurry.

Upon unwrapping my "guilty" purchase (pardon the pun), Ms Scary cannot but notice that you look amazingly wrinkle free despite being 63-years young (what's your secret?) - especially when compared to the formerly hirsute but currently shedding Mr. Barry Gibb from The Bee Gees.

Contrary to rave reviews for your follow-up to the multi-platinum Guilty released with Mr. Gibb 25 years ago, Ms Scary begs your forgiveness for raining on your parade and declares Guilty Pleasures to be an album so dated that it brings back 80s flashbacks in rapid succession.

Fortunately, it's not your fault. Ms Scary blames it solely on Mr. Gibb who composed all the songs while overdosing on saccharine pop. And it certainly doesn't help matters that Mr. Gibb decides not to limit his sissified vocals to his two duets with you ("Above The Law" and "Come Tomorrow").

While there are instant Barbra classics such as "Without Your Love" and "Hideaway," and even uncharacteristic Barbra songs such as the Motown influenced "It's Up To You" and 70s disco driven "Night Of My Life," every track on Guilty Pleasures unfortunately still sounds like it's from a golden oldie karaoke compilation.

Having said that, Ms Scary remains convinced that you deserve the title of being the music industry's No. 1 selling female artiste! After all, your enunciation remains crystal clear and your vocal prowess undiminished - especially when it comes to sustaining those high notes that leave many a house pet traumatised for days.

What's more, you are a true source of inspiration to the GLBT community everywhere - especially for being such an outspoken advocate of GLBT causes and your fund-raising efforts for organisations such as GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays).

On a more personal note, Ms Scary must confess that she will always look up to you as setting the standards for divas everywhere - ever since she read that report about how you demanded that all MGM hotel workers who entered and left your suite do so backwards because no one was allowed to lay eyes on the legend that is Barbra Streisand!

For that, Ms Scary offers a deep curtsy to you.

Yours sincerely,
Mariah Scary