You better watch out,
You better not flirt,
Cos this year Santa Is dishing the dirt.
Santa Claus is coming to town…

Indeed Santa is! And he's spanking all you naughty LGBTs for your unruly behavior. Meanwhile, the cinemas in town are appropriately decked out to welcome him. And the three new movies opening this week all have Christmas and/or Christian themes.

Of the three, the one that most embodies the Christmas spirit of love, peace and joy is Merry Christmas, a wonderful French/German film that tells the true story of WWI soldiers from two different sides who decide to put down their guns and celebrate Yule together.

It stars three of the most handsome young actors Europe has to offer — Guillaume Canet, Benno Furmann and Daniel Bruhl in uniform! — as well as the bona fide sexpuss Diane Kruger. This well-made movie was a huge box-office draw in France and Germany, and recently received a Golden Globe nomination for Best Foreign Picture.

Next up is the $US180-million Disney adaptation of C.S. Lewis' classic series The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. It tells the story of a magical closet that can take you to an alternate universe called Narnia. Now, no fag or lez would ever call a closet “magical”. And fittingly perhaps, the film is a disappointment.

Meanwhile the third new movie is The Ice Harvest, a noir thriller set during Christmas. Unfortunately, the greedy, cynical and backstabbing characters personify anything but the Christmas spirit. Even the presence of well-respected actors John Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton can't save this movie.

So folks, whether you've been naughty or nice, it really doesn't matter. Santa may not like you, but the cinemas will always take you as you are. To all our Christian readers, we wish you a very Merry Christmas!

The best new film of the week is NOT the big-budget The Chronicles of Narnia - but Merry Christmas, a smaller-budget but far more meaningful picture that recently received a Golden Globe nomination for Best Foreign Picture.

Mainstream movie-goers may not recognize the cast, but it actually comprises some of the brightest young stars of Europe — Guillaume Canet (the French studmuffin from The Beach), Daniel Bruhl (the German cutie from Goodbye, Lenin!), Diane Kruger (the vixen who played Helen in Troy) and Benno Furmann (another top-rated German hottie).

Based on a true World War I incident, the film tells the story of a group of German and French soldiers who are battling each another at the frontlines. As Christmas approaches, a German soldier begins to sing Silent Night in the trenches. Some distance away from him, a group of Scottish bagpipers — who are with his French enemies — decide to strike up their instruments and accompany his singing.

Eventually, the two sides decide to put aside their weapons and celebrate Christmas together. Sharing wine, pictures of wives and a game of soccer, the soldiers embody the spirit of peace and tolerance that represents Christmas.

Sentimental as the plot may seem, Merry Christmas is actually a well-made and very watchable film. Its anti-war message is certainly timely, and it's no surprise that the film became a huge box-office hit in Germany and France. Let’s hope that Merry Christmas would do well in Asia too.

Any LGBT who was once a bookworm must have read the C.S. Lewis' splendid children's series The Chronicles of Narnia. They tell the stories of four children who discover a wardrobe in their house, which can take them to a magical world called Narnia. (Talk about serious wardrobe malfunction.)

There, the children learn that they are to inherit the throne of the kingdom, if they can first beat the White Witch (Tilda Swinton) with the help of a messianic lion.

Directed by Andrew Adamson (of Shrek fame), this Disney picture cost a whopping US$180-million. But is it any good? Put the blame on Peter Jackson. If The Chronicles of Narnia arrived just a few years ago, it would have been hailed as a masterpiece in filmmaking. Its creation of the vast and mysterious universe of Narnia would have made your eyes pop and your head dizzy with wonder.

Unfortunately, Peter Jackson has really spoilt us with his seamless marriage of live action and computer-generated effects in Lord of The Rings and King Kong. So much so that we can’t help but be critical by the half-baked CGI effects in The Chronicles of Narnia. There's something about the look of Narnia and its magical inhabitants that strikes us as cold and fake. And the big CGI battle at the end is long and unconvincing.

Generally, it's a disappointing movie. But there are moments of sheer magic and wonder — especially in its first hour.

Ever since Bad Santa — about a conman who poses as Santa Claus to rob people — became a surprise box-office hit in 2003, Hollywood has been eager to churn out more dark movies that embrace an anti-Christmas spirit. They call it "counter-programming".

And so we have The Ice Harvest, a bitter and cynical story about two men (John Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton) who embezzle US$2 million from a mafia boss during Christmas and try to run off with it. Of course, before they can even say "Mexico", the two men find themselves entangled in other backdoor arrangements that result in bullets and blood.

Showing the worst in human nature, The Ice Harvest is a droll, dark and disconcerting holiday movie. But if you've always hated It's A Wonderful Life and your role model is Ebezener Scrooge, then this is our pick for you.

A remake of the 1933 classic, Naomi Watts plays a woman who joins a voyage to a lost island. There, she meets a lonely 25-foot-tall gorilla who falls for her and does everything to be with her. Directed by Peter Jackson (of Lord of The Rings fame), this King-size spectacle boasts all the ingredients of monster hit — a US$200-million budget, state-of-the-art special effects, superb production design and solid direction.

Its CGI creatures and astonishing action sequences will keep you at the edge of your seat. But it is the film’s quiet moments shared by the gorilla and the woman that will stick to your mind. When they are just hanging out and enjoying the scenery, the film conveys the same message that LGBTs have been telling the world for years — that love knows no bounds. Don't miss it.

Along with Zhang Yimou and Tian Zhuangzhuang, Chen Kaige is one of the most important figures of China's 5th Generation of filmmakers. But he seems to have lost his touch. His latest film tells a potentially enchanting tale of a beautiful concubine (Cecilia Cheung) who is loved by a general (Hiroyuki Sanada) and a slave (Jang Dang-gun). But though the lead actors acquit themselves well, this $US35-million picture — the most expensive in China's history — is filled with embarrassingly cheesy special effects. Chen's weak direction and draggy pacing leave much to be desired. How this film managed to get a Golden Globe nomination for Best Foreign Picture is a mystery to us.

Just as some filmmakers (like Peter Jackson) try to reach for new heights, others want to hit new lows. One such filmmaker is David Steiman. His Santa's Slay is an utterly horrible film that deserves to be buried in the ground along with his name.

Here Santa Claus is portrayed as an evil son of Satan. However, because Santa lost a bet with an angel a long time ago, he had been forced to spread joy to the world for the past 1,000 years. Now that 1,000 years are up, he is free again to spread evil in the world, and he begins by killing several people at a Christmas dinner and impaling their heads.

As the end of year approaches, we can say this with great certainty: The Descent is the best horror movie of 2005. It is so good, in fact, that writer-director Neil Marshall was recently named Best Director at the British Independent Film Awards — an honor rarely bestowed on a director of a horror movie.

In The Descent, six sexy and feisty women go to Appalachian Mountains for a cave expedition. Burrowing through small tunnels, they find themselves in a subterranean lair that's infested with mutant creatures. Coolly claustrophobic, this subterranean scare-fest will have you gasping for air.

READ Fridae Lifestyle Movie Review

Based on Jane Austen's classic novel, Pride and Prejudice tells the charming story of Elizabeth (Keira Knightley), a strong-willed young woman who falls for a wealthy and arrogant bachelor named Darcy.

Now, this may be the umpteenth screen adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Yet, director Joe Wright manages to inject so much youth and vigor into the film that we can't help but fall in love with the story all over again. Keira's performance is vibrant and intelligent, while Matthew Macfayden (the hot stud in In My Father's Den) as Darcy broods beautifully.

This extraordinary film was shown three years ago at the Singapore International Film Festival. But those who caught it never ever forgot it. When writer-director Lukas Moodyson called it "Lilya 4-Ever", he wasn’t kidding about the "4-Ever" bit.

Oksana Akinshina plays 16-year-old Lilya, whose life in Moscow is no bed of roses. As Russia continues to languish in economic doldrums, its people are desperate to search for a better life. Lilya starts to perform to sexual favors on older men to make money. But her life goes from bad to worse… If you see only one film every few months, make Lilya 4-Ever the film that you see.

Finally returning to the director's chair after 10 years, Peter Chan's new film is a movie-within-a-movie that stars some of East Asia's biggest actors, including Jacky Cheung (Hong Kong), Takeshi Kaneshiro (Japan/Hong Kong), Zhou Xun (China) and Ji Jin-Hee (South Korea).

Takeshi plays a film actor who is obsessed with a film actress (Zhou). At the same time, they are also both starring in a musical that's being directed her lover (Jacky). Scenes from the movie that they are shooting soon become intertwined with their real lives.

An ambitious and complex film that has some structural flaws.

Certainly one of the best films of the year, A History of Violence is about a happily married couple Tom and Edie (Viggo Mortensen and Mario Bello) who run a small restaurant. One day, a pair of robbers shows up at the joint, forcing Tom to resort to violence in order to defend his place of business.

But does an act of killing simply end there? Or does it perpetuate a brutal cycle that sucks in others? This film is an extraordinary meditation on the culture of violence in America and compulsory viewing for any thinking LGBT viewer.

You might have caught the cinema trailer of a little chicken dancing to that "Numa Numa" song. You might have thought, "Aaaw, isn't that cutest thing ever? I must watch the cartoon when it comes out…"

Don't go! This 3-D cartoon about a bespectacled nerdy chick (Zach Braff) actually lacks the charm and wit of its trailer. The jokes vary from the lame to the annoying. And anyone hoping for 80 minutes of light cheery entertainment will be disappointed.

Charlize Theron plays sexy Aeon Flux, a mysterious agent who lives in a perfectly-organized future city where everything is gleaming and bright — that is, if one doesn't look beneath the surface. When Aeon is sent on a special mission, she quickly discovers that nothing in her world is what it seems…

Based on an MTV animation, this film is neither good enough to enjoy nor bad enough to laugh at. But any excuse to put Charlize Theron in a black skin-tight catsuit is may be good enough for some dykes.

In the first terrific Saw movie, two men are chained down and instructed by Jigsaw to torture each other — or else, they die. Written and directed by Malaysian James Wan, the film was a surprise box-office hit in 2004.

So, of course, there had to be a sequel. This time round, Jigsaw the psychopath has kidnapped eight people and exposed them to sarin gas in a house. If they want to live, they must look for the hidden syringes in limb-tearing booby-traps. Very gory.

This slightly entertaining romantic comedy stars the ravishing Uma Thurman as a 37-year-old woman who meets a 23-year-old man (Bryan Greenberg). Sparks fly, and they're soon having hot sex. She raves to her psychiatrist (Meryl Streep) about her younger boyfriend — bragging about his huge penis — until both women discover that the young man is the shrink's son.

Uma and Bryan look spectacular. Bryan, particularly, has one of the hottest bods we've seen on screen lately. (The scenes where he goes shirtless are worth half the price of the ticket.) But there are just not enough twists in the plot to keep you engaged, and not enough jokes to keep you entertained.

The Goblet of Fire, the fourth title in the Harry Potter series, is 630-pages long — twice the length of its previous books. The latest film adaptation, thus, had to condense a lot of incidents and plot twists into two hours. The film moves at a very swift pace so as to cover all its major plot points. But, as fans will note, many details have been omitted.

Here, Harry goes back to the Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for his fourth year of wizard training where he is selected to represent his school in an inter-school challenge. Little does he know, however, that the tasks will spring some unpleasant surprises.

Goblet is yet another slick, well-made, big-budget production in the vein of the previous films. But the franchise is perhaps losing its novelty and fickle audiences might think twice about watching the next three Harry Potter films.