Dear Alvin,
I was on a long flight one day when I saw this really dishy flight steward. We chatted for quite a bit throughout the flight and he seemed to be extra-attentive to my needs and wants. Since then, I cannot forget about him and have thought of calling up the airline to ask for his contact number. Any advice?
Dear Jet-Lagged,
One piece of advice: Don't do it. The reason why that "dishy flight steward" was "extra-attentive" to you has nothing to do with your good looks, great bod and undeniable charms - well endowed though you may be in all three categories. In my opinion, there are basically three groups of flight attendants: those who provide great service because they are paid to do it; those who go the extra mile because they are truly customer-oriented; and finally, those who are big flirts by nature and shower attention on cute passengers because they are stuck on long plane rides with nothing else to do anyway. So show some shred of dignity, don't call the airline for his number just send in a Letter of Commendation.
Bubble Bursting Expert,
Alvin Tan
Alvin,
I'm currently dating a flight stewardess who is really elegant and beautiful. The problem is I'm feeling very insecure because of the nature of her career. While she assures me that she is the faithful sort, I can't help but worry. So I hope you can help out with my following queries to you:
a) Do you think it's true what they say about flight stewardesses having girlfriends (or boyfriends) in different parts of the world?
b) Do you think that my girlfriend will cheat on me during her overseas flights?
c) Would you date a flight stewardess?
Thanks,
Insecure Butch
Dear Insecure Butch
a) Of course not. Having different girlfriends (or boyfriends) in different parts of the world is not a "fringe benefit" that only flight attendants enjoy.
b) Of course. Even if she didn't, you are insecure enough to suspect that she did.
So what's the difference?
c) Of course not. I'm not a lesbian.
Coffee, Tea or Most Definitely Me,
Alvin Tan
Beloved Mama Alvin,
Son is having a dilemma, was getting to know this hunk at the gym and we've had eye contact for weeks, but I found out that he is attached. Is he looking for threesome or just ONS?
Hunk in a Dilemma
Dear Hunk,
While I can't even begin to imagine how a devastating gay twinkie such as myself could possibly conceive and retain my washboard tummy, I am nonetheless moved by your plight (it's true - my magnanimity knows no bounds). As a gym bunny myself, I completely understand where you're coming from. Why I'm constantly engaged in weekly optical flirting with countless well-built hunks at California Orchard. So speaking from experience, I can assure you that he is not looking for a threesome or a one-night-stand - he's looking for some hot shower or steam room action.
Not Your Mama, More Your Sister,
Hi Alvin,
I am lost, really lost, lost in the sense that I can't find my direction in life. I can't find my true self, is this because I'm gay? I don't know what I am living for and what to do next. I did have boyfriends before but that is not the life I want! It is like living in a kind of dark sadness and I'm sick of it! I wonder why everyone else can live happily except me. Is this because I am still young and my thinking immature? I accept that I am gay but society doesn't seem to accept gays. How can I find my true self? How can I live my life differently?
Blue
Dear Blue,
God, you are pitiful! You are clearly having the worst time of your gay life since Joan of Arc was invited to her own barbeque! You could either see a therapist (and not write to a column like this one) or you could consciously stop wallowing in your self-induced depression and start living your life! Embrace your inner fag and accept your fabulous self for it is and not what society defines it to be. Like everyone else, you'll find your direction as you travel along life's journey. That is, unless you've already discovered that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a tragic warning to other gay guys - in which case you might want to cultivate a wardrobe of mournful greys and blacks to complete that "I'm-attending-my-daily-funeral" effect.
Always Gay But Never Blue,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,
About six months back, my girlfriend left me for some ass at the office with whom she had had a one-night stand. Since then I've done the usual hurting, nearly committing suicide, etc. It's been six months and I'm recovering. Now there's this gal that has recently entered my life. We met online and have been talking on the phone everyday for over a month now. I'm definitely attracted to her, but the weird thing is that I've never met her in person.
Freaked Bung
Dear Freaked Bung,
You have my sympathies. There's nothing more irritating than fly-by-night lesbians who turn straight once the heterosexual men of their dreams show up to rescue them from their otherwise "unfulfilling" lives as lesbians.
That said, one does wonder why a perfectly sensible lesbian such as yourself have yet to learn from your past experience. According to my personal adviser (aka my trolley-dolley pal), failing to learn from your past mistakes will only mean that you'll be destined to repeat them again.
The moment this new gal pal of yours starts waxing lyrical about playing housewife to her future heterosexual husband, your alarm bells should start wailing louder than Whitney Houston on her latest CD. So unless you're into mental anguish and emotional torture, save yourself from future heartache and dump the fence sitter.
What's more, you haven't even met the girl! If it's any consolation, the only reason why she's apprehensive about meeting up is either because a) she's what is known as an Internet tease; b) she's already attached; or c) she looks like Animal from The Muppet Show. Now go find yourself a real labia-loving lesbian. You really deserve better.
Nothing But The Best,
Alvin
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.