My beloved and I are now into our fourth year of being together. When I met him I was in my mid-thirties, as was he. At the time I honestly never thought that I would finally "get married" and settle down. The whole thing was far from my mind. I mean, why should I? At that time we were both in Japan which, as many readers know, has one of the most uninhibited PLUS (lesbigay) scenes in the world.
Anyway, we just met a few times, got attached, and within three months of our first meeting he moved in. After one year of living together we moved to New York).
So, we have been happily married for over three years, and when we meet people, many ask us what our secret is, what makes us seem like such a perfect couple (which we are not).
Cock Talk
Frankly, I think that with people in general and with PLUS in particular, too much emphasis is placed upon the physical. We are all too brainwashed into thinking mainly about the face, chest, ass, cock, etc., rather than about the personality, emotions, etc. of our prospective mates.
Just take a look at the many PLUS chat lines. That is usually all you read. People whining about finding a boyfriend, but only mentioning the physical attributes, as if the nonphysical will come naturally. Of the 80 or so messages I get per day from various Asian chat lines, I would say that 95 percent have to do with the physical, or, to put it more bluntly, cock talk.
Naturally all this cock talk is emphasised with the nearly dozen pictures that come as attachments, with more discussion about the pictures in the next batch of messages. Every care in detail is given to mentioning the man in question's physical attributes. His abs, his pecks, his balls, his sex. Again, the non-physical will, it is believed, come naturally, or is of secondary importance.
But truthfully, having any kind of relationship is hard work. This is true as much for friendship as it is for marriage. PLUS marriages in particular require a certain level of nurturing, loving, care, that not even hettie marriages require, in order to last. The reason for this is that, as of this writing, few if any countries in this world of ours recognise PLUS marriages as anything more than a temporary, in some places immoral/ illegal, union of two people of the same sex. Period.
What do I mean by this? I mean that very simply, a hettie couple can get the legal documentation to prove that they are married, and with it, all the legal obligations that come with that paperwork. With PLUS marriages, such is not the case. In the US, for instance, PLUS unions can be easily dissolved. In most cases, all one partner has to do is gather his belongings and "split."
So, in my mind, PLUS relationships need that extra TLC to keep things together, which means that both partners need to go that extra mile, say that extra "I'm sorry," give in that extra time, in order to keep the relationship smooth.
Of course, like hettie relationships, abuse should never be borne, and disagreements can and will happen. But, as one friend once told me "Sure, Masa and I fight. But you show me a couple that never fights, whose thinking always seems in sync, and I'll show you a couple with a serious communication problem."
Occasional disagreements (not daily knock-down, drag-out, abusive fights) are one great way to know that you are at least communicating. Think of it: when a couple fights it means that (a) they have disagreed about a certain issue or (b) that they have tried to communicate but had a breakdown in communication. It's unfortunate, but isn't that a good thing? What this means is that the couple has made the effort to communicate, and either they did not agree, or their attempts failed. But they tried. They expanded that time and energy to reach out to one another.
Now think of the couple who never fights. Ever. Are they really communicating?
East-West
These things are true for all relationships. However, from what I have witnessed and heard from numerous people, PLUS couples can and very often do have additional problems if they are Asian-Western couples. This is especially true in East-West relationships that exist in Asian countries.
More than ever before, many Asians are pondering life with a Western partner and vice versa. Great. There are many web sites to support them, but Asians should be aware that there are many different viewpoints to this. Although there are many honest white men out there, unfortunately there are also a lot of louts in Asia that are after easy pickings.
Unfortunately too many Westerners in Asia are so-called rice queens, and they are only after what is below the belt and not much more. After all, why should they not be? Most don't plan long-term relationships because if they did they would pick people more slowly and perhaps nearer to their own ages. Their main intention is ONS (one night stands) and once that is over they start all over again the next night or the next weekend. It is continuous until they can't hunt anymore.
In a way I don't blame them - many will not remain in Asia for life and most of them know damned well that they will never be able to bring their boyfriends back to their own countries, especially if they live in the US. Besides, many are assured of a stable supply of potato queens in their own countries, so why bother with just one guy? With exceptions (and there are exceptions) most don't give a hoot about any long-term relationship.
As for the expats, most go for their job assignment and money. Many have lived in various different countries and can't be bothered learning the local lingo or customs. That is one reason why the so-called expat bars exist, to cater to these sorts. There they can mix and mingle with their own kind and discuss the "natives" and be thankful that they are not born one of us.
Getting back to sex, most like our bodies but not much else. Hence ONS is the best thing for them. Or buying services. It is when they lie about their true intentions that I get pissed. I have had to listen to too many Japanese broken hearts, consoling them over the phone until 4 a.m. in the morning, etc., to forgive this behaviour. Time and time again I heard the same thing: "But I thought that he loved me. I thought that I was settled for life."
Once in Chicago a really cute young white guy cruised me (rare for young and white) and we did it once. After that I tried to make contact and it seemed he only wanted to be able to tell his friends that he did it with an Asian. Reversibly, it may also be a badge of courage for a local Asian PLUS to have sex with a Westerner so that he can boast to his friends. Imagine the questions: Are they really big? Do they smell? Are they all hairy? Is their sperm the same color? Again, this goes away with time and education. The same was true in Hong Kong and Macau years ago. (There was a time when many Hong Kong and Macau guys would not only NOT sleep with a Westerner, but would not sleep with any Chinese that they knew had slept with Westerners.) Not anymore. To be fair I also know many Westerners that are good and are true to their partners. Unfortunately they are still far fewer than the reverse.
Professional Foreigners
In Asia many Westerners want to remain "different," despite the stigma that goes with this. Us getting used to them, this is exactly what many of them don't want to happen. They want the special attention, the easy pickings. I knew a few like that in Japan. PROFESSIONAL GAIJIN.
In Japan now there is a lot more pressure on Westerners to learn Japanese if they are to live and work in the country. Being white is increasingly losing its luster. So now that Japan is changing many have left. (The bankruptcy of many English language schools is also a factor.) But still there are many potato queens around to entertain those that remain. Most of the potato queens in Japan now know full well what they are getting into. They are not dumb. I had friends that were interested in white men. They would openly say that they did not expect their Gaijin boyfriends to stay, and hence many would not live together with them. Some of the Westerners were sincere and good to their boyfriends and sacrificed a lot to stay with them. Most are not like that.
However, as I wrote above, I know many Japanese guys that were burned. Many Westerners would lie to them and tell them that they were in Japan for life although they were only there for a few years and knew it all along. They wanted someone to shack up with. Some of the people I knew told me that their boyfriends gave them one month's notice to find their own place as they were leaving Japan. What a shock to find out that your "lifelong partner" was leaving and didn't even ask if you would come along or what you thought of the idea. Plus the fact that you were out of a home. Many of these Japanese guys had lower incomes and thought that they were "married" and settled down. Many were in trauma.
One American guy I met boasted about how he lived with a guy for one year and gave him one week to get out before he returned to the US. He just got tired of him. Imagine all the loving and sharing that must have gone on during that one year. The Japanese guy must have thought that he had found his ideal mate.
They (this type of Westerner) love Asian men, but what they love is our bodies and submissiveness (I think more of the latter than the former). Do they really love the person? Some yes but mostly NO! Which is why many of them are more than willing to find new boyfriends once their current ones get old or stale or both. We are very interchangeable as far as many of them are concerned. And if they are truthful at the start about this then fine with me, but it is all this deceit that I hate.
Asians are human and you cannot expect any man (woman) to remain beautiful, exciting, and vibrant like a 25 year-old when he/she is 45. They age as do their white counterparts and the Asians believe that since they have been together for over one or two years that they are set for life. Little do they know that many of their Westerner boyfriends are always on the prowl and/or do not expect to stay permanently.
What is Good for the Goose
But wait! The same can happen in reverse. Many Asians only want a Westerner to help them move to the US or elsewhere, after which they split up. I know one US guy who had this problem with his South Asian boyfriend. The American got him to the US and helped him get his PR. Once that was over with the South Asian was long gone. This was especially true in the 1980s and early 90s when getting a visa to the US was easy. I have heard more than a few similar accounts of this happening with Asian PLUS.
In this case, sincere Westerners should beware of many of the types that they meet at these "Westerner" PLUS bars all over Asia. Case in point: One American friend, Patrick, met his "partner," Shige, at GB, a famous PLUS Gaijin bar in Shinjuku, Tokyo. After eight months when the American returned home he brought along Shige on a student visa to New Jersey. This was in the early 1990s before the US immigration laws tightened up. Once in America Patrick used every means at his disposal to help Shige get his PR visa (green card). However, once Shige had green card in hand things changed. While living with Patrick, Shige was busy placing ads in many of the PLUS magazines. It was a matter of months before Shige had "flown the coop." Patrick was left with an empty apartment, a near-empty bank account, and a broken heart.
I once met a Japanese guy using the PLUS phone service (in Tokyo) and he came over for some quick sex. Afterwards he told me that he was living with an Australian guy and they would be moving to Australia shortly! That was the only way that he could get an Australian visa, as a PLUS spouse. He was a hair stylist and had no way to go to Australia. He was not especially fond of Westerners but wanted a better career chance, which he thought he would get in Australia. If an Australian lives with a guy for one year (and has proof) then the partner can get his spouse visa! Compare that to the "liberal" US where such a thing is far, far off.
Just as some Westerners may think of their Asian boyfriends as playthings, some Asians think of their white boyfriends as walking bank accounts, and milk them as much as possible. I have heard of such cases in Thailand, Malaysia, and even Japan. So it works both ways. The Westerner may also be taken for a ride. However more often than not it is the other way around.
Case in Point: One guy from a US firm stationed in Japan, "Paul," 33, dated very seriously a 19-year-old. This was years ago. They were living together in Tokyo for two or three years. At that time getting a visa, especially a student visa in the US, was very easy, and he could have easily taken his boyfriend with him. But he didn't want to, and gave us some cock-and-ball excuse about wanting the Japanese boyfriend to learn more about his own Japanese culture first. GIVE ME A BREAK! The Japanese boyfriend was born and bred in Japan. If he didn't know about Japanese culture by the time he was 19 then there was no hope! The real reason was that Paul didn't want him tagging along, and also wanted to do some new hunting in the US.
From what I have seen, in Western culture, especially in Anglo-Saxon culture (US, Australia, Canada, etc.), there is a strong belief that you must be ready to move on to better things. So if you are in a marriage that you are not entirely happy with, then it is time to change. The same thing holds for one's job. This is yet another reason why I want PLUS marriages legalised in the US. So this way changing one's PLUS spouse will not be as easy as changing one's condom. Unfortunately there are still too many in our world that don't respect PLUS couples and PLUS unions. It is very sad.
Getting back to the Westerners' case, this happens all the time. Word spreads, and now many Japanese potato queens (Gaisen) know about this mentality. However if the Westerner were truthful about his intentions of short-stay in Japan then no guy would be willing to invest too much time or emotion. Many Westerners want more than just sex and one-night stands - that they can find anywhere. They want a warm hearth to come home to, love, understanding, trust, even a person to cook and clean up after them, someone to laugh with, cry with, be with until all of this no longer works in their favour. Then to hell with all that "family" crap and every man for himself. Their boyfriends, after-all, are mere playthings.
(The same holds true with some married Japanese businessmen who are transferred to the Philippines [and elsewhere] on work assignment and get married again to local women, then leave the Filipino wives and kids when it is time to go back home. I have heard that Hong Kong men are doing the same thing across the border in China with Chinese women. I hope the Chinese government does something about this but knowing China, I doubt much will change.)
One last note on this topic, there are many white men in the US who DO get permanent boyfriends (usually white) and live together till death. This is true. There are many that have happy lives together and even fight to adopt children and do so. It is just this certain rice queen fringe element that is to be looked out for.
I myself find some Westerners attractive but if I were single I would stay clear of those that "only" need an Asian. The trouble is that getting a younger white guy is tough for them and hence they turn to "Asians only" (see RQ:PQ essay). In my case, I would rather for cultural and emotional reasons have another Asian. No matter what the ethnic group it is nearer to the way that I was brought up than Westerners were. No matter even if we were all brought up in the same country or not. But if the right white person had been there at the right time I would have been receptive.
The trouble is that it is harder to get close to Westerners while living in their countries. (I don't mean the rice queens.) They prefer other white people to mix with and this is true for the population in general. However I think this is true everywhere and even in Asia so who am I to complain?
What to Do?
So, what does an Asian guy do if he is dating a Westerner and wants to know if he is serious? How does he know that the Westerner is planning to stay? Unfortunately, like the stock market, there is no sure way of knowing which way events will turn. However ascertain the following:
(I have used Singapore as an example but it can be any country.)
How long has the Westerner been in Singapore? The longer he has been there the more likely that he will stay there. Be warned, however, that even long-term residents have been known to leave.
How absorbed is he in the local culture and language? Even if he can't read and write Chinese or Malay like a scholar, if he is fluent in daily conversation then that is a sure sign that he has some serious interest in the culture and people, despite the fact that English is the lingua franca. Or, if language is not his thing, is he knowledgeable about the local customs? Or is the extent of his knowledge being able to order a local dish? If his knowledge is scant, there is a good chance that he will be too in the future.
Very important point: Does he have many local friends? Not just potato queens that he meets at local PLUS watering holes such as Zouk's, Venom or the Asian Men's Club, but average local PLUS friends and hettie friends? Or, with rare exception, does he spend most of his time with other Westerners? If there are few local friends then trouble lies ahead. A person that doesn't mix with the locals much is essentially not into the country or culture or people (as opposed to the bodies), and thus there is little chance that he will stay very long (except in immigrant countries like the US and Britain). Forget about all that crap about his staying for life. Chances are he will be on the next plane home when the urge arises. Also, if he doesn't like the culture then I wonder what his real liking for you as an individual is.
Are all of his friends flighty young local PLUS men? If so then there is a chance that he is still hunting and keeping a reserve ready. You may be expendable.
Is he into the local food, in Singapore's case Chinese, Malay, and even Indian? Or is he with rare exception a steak and potatoes man? People rarely change their diets totally, but constant refusal of the local food is another indicator that he is not into the local scene. (Exceptions for those with dietary restrictions, including religious restrictions.) If he is not into the local scene then chances are that he plans to split.
What is his visa status? If he is on a student visa forget about anything serious unless he changes. If he is on a working permit then does he ever talk about getting permanent residency or citizenship? Regardless of how difficult that may be depending upon the country, if he at least talks about it seriously then you know he has some serious intentions about staying. For Singapore, getting permanent residency is now much easier. Being "satisfied" with a working visa is a sure sign that he is not intent about staying.
Asians may also want to invest a little time in finding out the immigration processes of their respective countries. If your country makes it almost impossible for a foreign national to remain permanently, then expect your man to leave. (It's not his fault if they won't allow him to stay, right?) If that is the case be emotionally prepared for his departure. Most Asian countries nowadays have some form of immigration policy that allows foreigners to gain residency, including back doors, investment visas, etc. Before getting involved too deeply you may want to check it out. Don't automatically assume that he can stay permanently, and don't automatically assume that he can and will take you with him if he can't stay.
Does he constantly talk about being unhappy in Singapore (or where ever)? About going back home? If so, does he talk about you joining him and how you would go about getting a visa in his country? If he doesn't then he is not planning to take you with him. If he does, and if you plan to go with him, then find out ASAP how easy or difficult it will be for you to immigrate with him. Certain Western nations such as Canada, Australia, and others allow PLUS partner immigration. Many others, especially the US, have no such policies in place. The key point here is to inquire as soon as possible.
Do his plans with you constantly take a back seat to his work, other friends, business associates? If yes then you may be more of a plaything than a partner. Few people are ever really THAT busy. Regardless of how busy he is, if he wants to meet you/be with you, he will make the time.
Do you both have ample time to talk about many things? Does he take the time? Does he care about what you think? Again, this leads up to his interest in you as the individual rather than you as the plaything. One east-west couple I knew of went together for two years without ever really talking things out. Imagine the surprise of the Asian (Chi, a Hong Kong guy) when his American friend found a new, younger, firmer boyfriend, and easily discarded him. All the while "Don" was supposedly busy at work, he was in fact meeting guys for ONS. Chi was complacent, accepting Don at his word that he was busy or that he didn't like to talk much. They are both now happily "divorced." All the telltale signs were there: Constant canceling of vacation and dinner plans by Don due to "work," little talking, and sex being the main form of communication.
Most important of all, is there a sense of permanency and family? Does he talk about his plans with you for the future? Does he take pictures with you and of you and keep them carefully? Does he talk about his retirement plans with you? These are all indicators of long-term commitment. Especially the first and last. If, after six months or one year, you both still "live for the moment" then the relationship might very well end "in a moment" as well. Is he willing to make major purchases with you? Joint purchases of real estate, either in Singapore or another more affordable country, for example, are a good sign of commitment. This probably won't happen for at least one or two years into the relationship but still it is a cornerstone for a long-term commitment.
I hope that this essay is helpful to anyone looking for or in a relationship, either Asian-Asian or Western-Asian. In many ways I have seen so many broken hearts, more in east-west relationships than other kinds of relationships, and I am hoping that this essay will make everyone aware of the pitfalls of blindly getting hooked up to a person who just happens to be white. (Of course, a lot of what I have written here can be held true for all relationships and for Westerners in relationships with Asians.)
It is true that more Westerners are putting roots down in Asia. Some have taken citizenship and have made big impacts upon the countries that they reside in. (For example, Marty Tsurunen, a former Finn who naturalised as a Japanese national then ran for political office in Japan and won (author of the Japanese best-seller NIHONJIN NI NARITAI [I Want to Become Japanese]). Also William E. Heinecke, a former American that took Thai citizenship and is now a local zillionaire businessman.) Still, their type is the exception to the rule. Too many so-called "rice queens" in Asia have very temporary intentions, so let the Asian beware. Also, as I have noted, in many instances Westerners are also targeted by many unscrupulous Asians for reasons mentioned. As with hettie relationships, pick your partner carefully, because marriage is serious business.
(Writer's note: The author wishes to state that the mention of Marty Tsurunen and William E. Heinecke in this essay does not in any way construe their sexual orientation.)
This column reflects the personal view of the writer and was first published in August 1999 in OG Magazine. Hidesato Sakakibara's columns will be published on alternate Fridays. He lives in New York with his husband "M" and has a Master's degree in business, but enjoys writing on various topics that may be of interest to gay Asians.