Walking with my husband, M, on Saturday afternoons has always been a great pastime of ours. We enjoy strolling down New York's Fifth Avenue to Washington Square Park, where we often see who we are sure are many PLUS (lesbigay) couples, both men and women, either walking together or sitting and enjoying the pleasant weather. Many of them, older, seem to have been together for a long time. How wonderful, that despite the fact that the most US state governments refuse to recognise our unions, that sheer will and love can keep people together.
Them vs. Us
Let's take one PLUS couple, Rick and Robert, as an example. They have been together for ten years and for various reasons feel the need to split up. They divide their stuff, get each other's names crossed out from each other's wills, and that is that. The biggest move would perhaps be for them to stop cohabiting.
Now let's take a hettie couple, John and Martha. They too have been together for ten years and for various reasons feel the need to get a divorce. However, in their case they must first get lawyers to go through the legal process, then, if there are children, go through child custody procedures, and finally, when the court decrees it, they are legally divorced. For them, merely living separately would be only the first step in a long process to total separation.
How lucky we PLUS are not to be bound legally like this, many readers may at first feel. How lucky we are to have our total and complete freedom. However, I for one believe that this total freedom is one of the major reasons contributing to the breakup of many PLUS couples. If indeed we had more legal procedures and expenses to go through, we would then perhaps make more efforts to work things out. When the time comes when a PLUS couple will need to go through the same procedures as a hettie couple to divorce, I believe that a great drop in PLUS "divorce" rates will occur. We will take more time to examine and re-examine our relationships, put more effort into them, and perhaps even treasure them more.
Another way in which I believe hetties are "blessed" are in the social services that are available to them. For instance, at the start of marital problems John and Martha can very easily seek counseling, either at a private marriage counselor (which is not free) or at public service marriage counselors. In other words, they can very easily approach their Priest, Pastor, Rabbi, Imam, etc. and request help for free. There are also many services that also offer such help for free. As of this writing I know of almost no service that offers the same to PLUS couples for free, and only a few on a fee-based basis.
Why do hettie couples have so many resources at their disposal? Because society in the US and elsewhere deem marriage as the cornerstone of society, and despite the high divorce rate nearly all nations want to make sure that couples stay together.
What About Us? Now, what about PLUS couples? Not only are we NOT seen as the cornerstone to society, but rather we are seen as an impediment to a strong society. In other words, we are seen as something that is to be avoided at all costs. Despite the progress that has taken place in the past few years, I believe that, at least in the US, this mentality will continue to be the norm.
Against Us
First off, as I mentioned earlier, society at large is against PLUS relationships. It doesn't matter if you are monogamous or screwing with every guy in town, they are against us. I may be paranoid, but I see and hear too many things that prevent me from thinking differently.
For instance, this whole notion of the meaning of life being about having children. At my workplace that is all the local staff talk about. They talk about weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, Christening ceremonies, their children, etc. Great. But really, I don't want to hear it. A mention now and then is OK but I really don't care if someone's son is now a pitcher on some junior league baseball team, or if someone's daughter is now dating guys. In the same way I doubt that those around me want to hear about how I met M, or how about all my dates with other guys, or my romps in the sex rooms.
So, right away we are at a disadvantage since we are unable to freely talk about our PLUS lives the way the hetties are able to. It also means that we have fewer people to go to for advice.
Vibes from the many, many couples that I have seen break up, I would say that the number one cause was a lack or absence of communication. Too many couples get "used to" each other, and take things for granted. Like for instance certain likes and dislikes of their partners.
Shotgun Wedding
I would like to see how long hettie marriages would last if there was no way to legalise their unions. Many anti-PLUS state that our marriages are not "real," and cajole the PLUS that they know to find spouses of the opposite sex and get married. This is often true of parents, especially Asian parents, who, if they happen to know of their child's PLUS orientation, really put the pressure on for marriage.
Many parents that I know of in Japan as well as elsewhere are increasingly liberal in their outlook, and accept their son's or daughter's PLUS-ness. However, many others are not. I have known of both cases, the latter of which have resulted in horrible, devastating results to the family.
For example, one of my friends in Tokyo, Hiromasa, was in just such a dilemma. He was around 20, going to school and living with his parents. His father found out that he was PLUS and demanded that he either stop being so or get out of the house. Worse, in order for Hiromasa to continue to receive funding from his parents for his education as well as remain at home, the father told him that he would push to find a "suitable wife" and at least get him engaged.
Hiromasa at that time was seeing some man he had met in Shinjuku, and the two were hitting it off quite well. He was horrified at the thought of being forced to get engaged and possibly marry a person who, for all probability, he would never be able to truly love in every sense of the word.
Hiromasa thus had it out with his father. He fought and fought and finally his old man threw him out of the house. Luckily, he was able to stay with his boyfriend for the time being until he could get a job and a place of his own.
This situation tore Hiromasa's family apart. His mother fought with his father and from what I heard this caused a strain in his parents' relationship. His brother took his side while his sister was indifferent.
I lost contact with him but the last I heard he had managed to graduate from college and was now self-supporting. His father and him are now back on speaking terms, but needless-to-say, their relationship has been permanently tarnished. Hiromasa, the eldest child, has no intentions of looking after his parents in their old age, and has openly told them so. Unfortunately for them neither do any of his siblings.
During the time that this was happening many of our friends had told him to go along with the father, even if it meant getting married. Why? Because after a few years he could always get divorced and put the blame on the other party. However, Hiromasa refused to do this. He was tired of hearing of other PLUS that were doing the same thing and believed that it was time that PLUS in Japan stood up and received even a shred of respect.
I once met him in Shinjuku and we went to a coffee house and talked. He told me that worse than his parents were other PLUS, especially those that were older, that he knew that were urging him to marry. "What is this garbage, where we are so ashamed of ourselves that we can't even tell the world that we exist?" he told me.
An Improvement
Although many younger PLUS go through hell with their parents in Japan, coming out today for many is a much easier thing to do than it was ten years back. No, I am not saying that conditions are ideal, far from it. What I am saying, however, is that with the wealth of information in the media on PLUS issues, that there are few in the nation that do not know that we exist or haven't even heard of PLUS rights.
Take for example television. A few months back M and I were watching a Japanese drama on cable television. The series, Oyaji, was about a father and his adult children. One very important theme was that one of his daughters was engaged to a man who was reluctant to marry her. It turned out that he was a PLUS. However, in a far cry from similar TV shows in Japan years back, the character openly told his parents as well as the parents of his fiance that he was a PLUS. He was eventually all-but fired from his job at a stuff-shirt company (for not showing up at his wedding, his colleagues did not know of his sexual orientation), and the father of the bride actually went with him to fight his case with his boss!
"Wow," M and I both thought, " they portrayed PLUS discrimination in a bad light, and even used the main actor to stand up for him." On top of the PLUS TV dramas that we have had, we even see PLUS themes in non-PLUS dramas.
What am I getting at? Society at large needs time to get used to us, but it is already taking place. Therefore...
Those of us in Japan who are pressured into marriage, I strongly urge you to resist. Hopefully you will be financially independent of your parents by this time, but no matter what happens, you must stand your ground and refuse a heterosexual marriage if that is not what you want. This holds true for all Asians (and everyone else for that matter). We always look at Western countries and claim in amazement at how "open" the PLUS movements there are. Well, Westerners have fought long and hard for acceptance, and are still fighting even today. If we want what they have, then we have to be ready to fight for it with the same tenacity that they do. Merely being able to go to a bar or sex club without being harassed by the police is by no means enough. In fact, nothing would suit the anti-PLUS factions more than keeping us pacified with only booze and sex. It would mean that we would be marginalised as some fringe element of society.
Many younger readers will undoubtedly protest that they are still living at home and that what I am writing would be no small feat for them. Fine, but if at all possible, if you think that your parents are going to pressure you into marriage then fight it. Move out if possible and become independent. Of course at first you must keep a level head and try reasoning with them that you are not inclined toward marriage. However, if the pressure persists for months then it is time to move. Nothing is worth a marriage that is a lie. Nothing. I have heard of nothing but unhappiness from such unions.
Things are changing drastically in Japan in that many more PLUS forego a hettie marriage in order to find a same-sex partner to settle down with. This is also happening elsewhere in Asia, although to a much smaller extent. In order for us to be recognised and taken seriously, we cannot ourselves always hide in the closet.
I am sure that many readers still in Asia may think that it is easy for me to write these things since I live in NYC, a major Western city. However, all PLUS movements must start from somewhere. This is true for the US as well as other nations. As I mentioned earlier, if we want more rights we have to be willing to fight for them.
Yesterday
Japan has changed drastically for PLUS. However, in the early 1980s in Tokyo it was strange to hear of a man who didn't want to marry or date girls. Almost everyone married, PLUS or not, with few exceptions. You had to, since if you did not it would become difficult to get promoted to anything more than line manager at a company.
However, thanks to efforts of gay rights group, Ugoku Gei to Rezubian no Kai (Group of Moving Gays and Lesbians) also known as OCCUR, and the many other PLUS organisations, this has changed radically. But I often wonder what would have happened if the courageous people of OCCUR, Japan International Lesbian and Gay Association (JILGA), etc. had not stood up for PLUS rights. If OCCUR had not "taken the plunge" and sued the Tokyo municipal government (TMG) over PLUS discrimination. Our country would perhaps have changed little.
But Japan has changed so much. Today many men live together and if all goes well discrimination in Tokyo as well as Japan's other cities on the grounds of sexual orientation will become illegal. Of course, this does not mean that all discrimination will vanish. Like in the US and elsewhere, it will continue on in other, more subtle forms. However, this will be one big step in gaining social acceptance.
I am bringing up this example because today all over Asia we are seeing the formation of PLUS groups and the start of PLUS rights movements. However, when I hear and read of these movements, with the exception of Thailand, they all remind me of how things were in Japan back in the 1980s when I was participating in our then infantile PLUS movement. Back then I could not even dare to imagine that things would change so much in 15 or so odd years. None of us could. In fact, one of the leaders of our movement openly told me that he did not see much change for at least 20 years! How far we have come since then.
Do You Really Have to Get Married?
Many PLUS Asians write to me and complain how they are being pressured to marry. I know, I have had the same pressure applied by family (read JUST ANOTHER EVENING WITH THE FOLKS). However, my advice is whenever possible we must gather up the courage and strive to live our lives as we see fit. The only alternative to this would be to remain in the closet and live what I see as only half-contented lives.
So what do you do if you are being pressured to marry? Try the following.
First off, find a support network of PLUS friends. Of course, depending upon where you live, this may not be possible. However, let's say that you reside in East or Southeast Asia. Join your local PLUS rights movement. This will enable you to make PLUS friends, share experiences, and also allow you to start doing something for your own kind in your own country.
Consider living alone if you don't already do so. This helps take a lot of the family pressure off of you.
When your parents or others start putting the pressure on, don't just agree lightly. Whenever possible talk about how you are not the marrying kind, and how marriage is not for everybody. No, I don't think this will make your parents change their minds, but at least you will have started sending signals as to your intentions on marrying a member of the opposite sex.
Absolutely refuse to meet anyone with the intention of marrying. In Japan we call this omiai. I am totally against it, as I am totally against any PLUS telling his family that he plans to marry when in fact he does not, only in the hopes that the parents will lay off the pressure. This is frustrating for the PLUS and is even more frustrating for the family, who, in all earnest, may be hoping and praying that you will in fact do get married.
One of my former boyfriends told his mother living in a rural part of Japan that he was desperately looking for a girl to marry. She set up omiai after omiai and he ended each one telling the girl that she was not his type. Of course she wasn't; she was a woman. Who gained by this? His mother was let down time and time again. Each woman he met felt insulted. He had to get dressed up and go through the entire process for nothing. The answer is that nobody gained anything. Now he is 45 and refuses any omiai. He has told his mother (his father passed away some time back) that he has no intention of marrying. His mother hurt and cried and went on for about a few days but that was that. She has gotten used to the idea. No, she is not thrilled about it, but she didn't commit suicide when she heard the news either.
I know that not all parents will be like his. Many of my friends, not only in Japan but in Southeast Asia as well have told their parents that they are PLUS and have had little trouble. Some have had hell. However, it is because so many are willing to come out, or at least to refuse to marry, that we are slowly becoming more recognised (dare I use the word "accepted"?) and are no longer seen as individual oddities.
Escaping
Too many PLUS Asians are using culture and social pressure as excuses to marry. As mentioned above, this has been true and is still true in the US and everywhere else. Too many PLUS believe that the only way out of being pressured to marry is to run, escape, to the US, UK and other Western countries. I can understand the feeling. When I returned to Japan after college I felt the same way. But I am glad that I stayed put and contributed to the PLUS movement.
Think all will be well if you escape to a Western country? If escape is your main purpose of emigrating to the US or wherever, remember that you are in fact giving up on your own society and country. This is fine if you have always wanted to leave and have a true love for another country and culture, but for those that can, it is a worthwhile effort to strive for PLUS rights in your own country.
Again, I cannot stress enough how backward Japan was in the early 1980s. Except for sex clubs and bars, we had nothing. To society at large we were invisible. I once went to a PLUS computer dating agency and the PLUS man running the agency himself told me that he would need to eventually get married due to family pressure. You can imagine how bad I felt then. However, I am so glad that I did not capitulate and marry. Yes, the going was rough, but we were able to do things and make Japan a lot more PLUS-friendly than it was.
Easier said than done, you may think, but it is true. PLUS rights everywhere are the fruit of hard labor. Countless protests, petitions, behind-the-scenes lobbying, organising, marching, and media watching are the reason that PLUS rights exist in countries where they do. The ability to march in a PLUS parade means that many others have fought a long, good, hard fight for that right. So, rather than running away if you like living where you are, it is better to be a part of changing history where you live.
There are many countries where PLUS are being persecuted, in the name of culture, religion, etc. It doesn't matter what the reason, there will always be those that hate us and that want to wipe us off the face of the earth. We will always be minorities wherever we go. Get used to it.
However, it is up to us to push for our own rights. Yes, in some countries this may be risky and even inflict death. In these circumstance, I can understand wanting to leave. However, for the most part in Asia this is not the case. More often than not Asians are willing to marry and accept an unhappy situation because it is the easiest way to do things. This is a tragedy.
There are PLUS movements in so many Asian countries now, and I fully expect these movements to grow. Yes, most are still in their infancy, but we must nurture these movements so that they blossom as they have in Japan and the US. This involves time, effort and money, and I am sure that almost all of us have a little of at least one of these resources to give. But first we must stop the excuses.
The nail that sticks out gets hammered down, you say? True! But if ten nails stick out then the blow from the hammer will be that much less. If 50 nails stick out then the hammer will be unable to bang us all down. Yes, the great change will have begun. Let's be one of those many nails!
And what great change am I talking about? Total acceptance by the hettie society at large? That would be nice, but I don't expect it, at least not in my lifetime. What I do want is the right to be able to live my life the way I see fit in peace with my husband M, with no pressure to marry, no fear of assault because I am PLUS, and with the full benefits and privileges that other married people have. Yes, I think this will take some time to achieve but we must strive to achieve it nonetheless.
Yes, friends, the going may get tough should you refuse to marry, but in the long run you will most likely be better off for it. Unless it is something you want, don't buckle down and marry. Stand up for yourself, and get a circle of PLUS friends who can help and support you. True, you may have strains in your relationships with your parents, but being true to yourself, I believe, is more important.
This column reflects the personal view of the writer and was first published in June 2002 in OG Magazine. He lives in New York with his husband "M" and has a Master's degree in business, but enjoys writing on various topics that may be of interest to gay Asians.