I have barely recovered from the trauma inflicted upon my person when I last visited Bangkok during its annual water-throwing festival when I was told by Fridae that I was to travel (in cattle class) to the land of Nang Nak to cover its Squirt and Slurp parties.

For a moment, my mind flashbacked to my last Songkran experience when I ended up looking like a nocturnal creature from the Night Safari (no thanks to a last minute application of mascara) returning from a trying day on the set of Poseidon - all because the local populace was a little too enthusiastic about dousing innocent passer-bys like myself with buckets after buckets of water.

Fortunately, being the quite the seasoned traveler (I live vicariously through Conde Nast Traveler), I am now much better prepared for Songkran. Neatly packed in my three Samsonite suitcases are my shower cap with floral appliqu�s, my trusty parasol, my yellow Paddingtons, my poster of a wet Evangeline Lilly (to remind myself that it's possible to be both grimy AND beautiful) and of course, water-proof make-up.

My traumatic experience notwithstanding, Fridae's move to hold the Squirt and Slurp parties during the Thai New Year is quite possibly one of the most inspired ideas in the circuit scene. Other than the Hounen Matsuri festival in Komaki, Japan where male participants carry a giant wooden erect penis, Songkran is possibly one of the few Asian festivals that lends itself so eagerly to the gay imagination.

After all, the whole douse-someone-with-water ritual provides gay men descending upon Bangkok with the perfect excuse to check out the hotbods of guys they fancy by soaking their victims' shirts thoroughly (without fear of repercussions) and of course, to walk around in skimpy soaked shorts together with other gay men in equally skimpy soaked shorts.

And since we're on the issue of skimpy soaked shorts, let's talk about the all-important dress code. Partygoers for Squirt (Friday, 14th April, 3pm - 9pm) should naturally turn up in their butt-crack revealing Speedos or surf shorts (tops optional) - preferably teamed with a pair of designer flip-flops or slippers with a strong anti-slip grip to prevent those reputation sinking pratfalls.

As for myself, I am determined to make an Entrance (with a capital E) at the opening party held at the Royal Orchid Sheraton Poolside by emerging from the pool dripping wet and looking luscious a la Ursula Andress as Honey Rider in Dr. No - that is if I can prefect the skill of holding my breath for hours under water while waiting for everyone to arrive.

Moving on, the general rule for Slurp on Saturday (15th April, 10pm till late) and the Bed Supperclub party on Sunday (16th April, 9pm till 1am) is really very simple. Like much of Earth's surface, partygoers should cover no more than thirty percent of their bodies. You read right - seventy percent (or more) of your glistening sweated-covered bodies should be exposed for all to admire.

If you don't dare to bare, simply stuff your suitcases with outfits that cling onto your physique in the most becoming manner when wet, and continue to stuff some more. Otherwise, you may find yourself in the unfortunate situation of having to buy - and then wear - locally produced tourist-type attire just because your entire wardrobe is thoroughly soaked each time you step out of your hotel.

(Note: If you are one of those hair whores who refuse to leave your room until each and every strand of your hair is meticulously styled, then it's best you bring along your cap or your wraparound Norma Desmond scarf.)

However, outside of the party premises, I would advise our gentle readers against taking to the streets scantily clad lest history repeats itself and you find yourselves in my shoes some years back and having to suffer the indignity of being body-searched at midnight by the local police on the lookout for foreign pickpockets posing as katoeys.

Now excuse me as I conduct a last minute check on the condom vending machine that doubles as my handbag before I declare myself party-ready for Fridae's Squirt and Slurp party weekend!

Squirt | 14 April
Tommy Marcus (Amsterdam)
Riverside @ Royal Orchid Sheraton Hotel

Slurp | 15 April
Alex Taylor (Sydney)
Ballroom @ Royal Orchid Sheraton Hotel

Pink Recovery | 16 April
Bed Supperclub

Squirt passes and combos will be available at Cafe 4 till Apr 12 and at Babylon till Apr 13! Squirt/Slurp tickets will be on sale at the door. Click here to see prices and details.