Dear Alvin,
Other than mutual JO with college friends, he was a "virgin" until he met me, and I had to teach him about BJ and anal sex. He especially likes to have my finger rimming his ass while I jerk him off. Unfortunately, his feelings of guilt seemed to stop him from truly enjoying himself while we were having sex. He explained that if he doesn't "go all the way" he won't be truly gay.
What can I say to him, and what advice do you have for the two of us? He assures me that he loves me, and I know for sure that he has no one else. We truly enjoy being with each other, but his hang-up can be quite exasperating at times.
Perplexed
Poor Perplexed,
Here's what you can say (and do) to your boyfriend:
(Start to jerk him off)
"Dearest (fill in pet name). We need to talk."
(Begin to rim his ass)
"While I find straight-acting gay men very appealing, I do not find gay-acting straight men a turn-on at all."
(Slowly increase hand and tongue pressure on his private parts)
"So it's high time you decide if you are eventually going to remain gay for the rest of our lives together "
(Bring him close to a climax)
" or if you're going to turn straight. Until then "
(Stop what you're doing just when he's about to ejaculate)
" you can forget about getting any more loving from me."
(Then boot him out of your room with a dramatic flourish)
Here's my advice for your boyfriend:
Make up your mind. It's either pussy or prick. There's no two-way about it. Stop stringing your poor boyfriend along and stop giving him sleepless nights.
And finally here's my advice for you:
Put into practice what I've taught you and repeat as many times as is necessary for you to get your message across. If your boyfriend still refuses to appreciate the treasure that you are and let go of his gay-but-wants-to-turn-straight "hang-up," then it's time for you to "hang-up" on the relationship.
Buster of Bad Boyfriends,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
I desperately need your advice. I've been in dilemma for the past six months. I have both a girlfriend and a boyfriend. My boyfriend came between my girlfriend and I. I'm not sure if I'm truly a lesbian because I'm not sexually attracted to women, or turned on by my girlfriend's body.
Still sex with her is great - although I'm always on the receiving end. The thing is, I care for my girlfriend because she needs my emotional support very much (or else she's a wreck). Sex with my boyfriend is just as great, but it's more of a mutual thing and not so one-sided. My boyfriend concluded that I "turned" lesbian because I wanted to be like my lesbian friends. I'm not sure myself.
All I know is I think of my boyfriend, and whenever I think of my girlfriend, it's only because I'm wondering how she is. Yet I do feel jealous when the girls fall for her. Is it love? Or just concern? My boyfriend is everything a girl wants but he just doesn't treat me as nice as my girlfriend does. He is less affectionate, and less sensitive to my needs.
I desperately need your advice. HELP!
From Miss Dilemma
Miss Dilemma,
You are just begging for public derision en masse. Having said that, I will not let my personal feelings get in the way when it comes to dispensing advice.
You are clearly a fence-sitter. And you are clearly not ready for a relationship - with either sex. You expect your partner to be as affectionate and as sensitive as your poor girlfriend and as sexually attractive as your equally poor boyfriend. Worse, you expect your partners to conform to and satisfy your wishes and desires.
In your case, there's only one solution: Convert to a faghagism and start courting sensitive gay men. Only then will you find a partner - however unwilling - who's both able to turn you on physically and connect with you emotionally. The only minor drawback is that sensitive gay men will only consider having sex with girls like you after they have consumed enough alcohol to drown an elephant or when the entire gay community is mysteriously wiped out by an unknown plague.
Professional Dismantler Of Fences,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
I am confused and hope you could give me some feedback. I knew I was gay since I was small, even though I have been totally straight looking. Now, I'm in my early thirties and still confused.
My first problem is this: I am comfortable with being gay and want to be out and open, but living in a homophobic society adds stress to my life and I don't want to totally expose myself for that reason. I know my problem is that like wishing to have two different things that cannot co-exist.
My second problem is that I have always wanted to be somebody else. I like fresh-looking young boys. Recently, I met a young, cute and charming boy from a caring family. When I think about why I fell in love with him, I realised that I wanted to be him. Do you think it is normal?
My third problem is that I have a boyfriend for almost four years now but I think I do not love him. I loved him before, but after evaluating his character, my life and what I am looking for, my love died. Even though I still care for him as a good friend, there is nothing more to it anymore, including sex for the last three years. Do you think I should tell him?
Yours faithfully,
The Confused and Agitated Boy
Dear Confused and Agitated "Uncle",
My answer to your first problem is this: You have two choices really. You can step out into the wonderful and colourful world populated by your gay brothers and sapphic sisters or you can remain in your dark and dank closet and watch your gay life pass you by. Whichever path you choose, you should, under no circumstances, risk imprisonment for public indecency by "totally exposing" yourself.
My answer to your second problem is this: No, I don't think it's normal. I think it's spooky. You're like the psychopath in Taking Lives (2004) starring Ms Angelina Sausages-For-Lips Jolie who assumes his victims' identities after killing them. Then again, I'm not a trained psychoanalyst or therapist - so what do I know?
My answer to your third problem is this: Yes, you should tell him - you owe your boyfriend (who has been with you for four years!) at least that much. By the way, you also owe your boyfriend a medal for putting up with your schizophrenic behaviour and a life of celibacy for three years.
The Eternal Boy,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
Last year, I met this totally cute guy through sports who has an identical twin brother. We only became friends after half a year because we were both shy. But we became close friends real fast. Whenever we left our hometown (because of sports), we would share the same bed, even though he could have chosen his twin brother. He knew I cared about him a lot, and I know he likes me also. Yet, I never dared to tell him that because I fear he really is straight.
The facts:
1) He has had seven girlfriends before, but he is now single. He still kept photos of some of his ex-es. And he said he's interested in some gal from his school.
2) One day, he opened his wallet and showed me a photo of a guy, whom he thinks is quite cute. When asked, he said that the guy is his good friend. After that, he showed that photo to other people, so I guess he wasn't trying to imply anything to me.
3) Whenever there are pretty girls around, I would be the one ogling while he would only give a glance.
Yap, I'm interested in girls. But ever since I met him, none other has given me such intense feelings. Recently, I have gotten very close with his twin but the feeling just isn't there. I truly love him, but is it possible for him to love me? And what do you think I should do?
Boy Lover
Dear Boy Lover,
Don't waste any more time playing the guessing game. Introduce your "totally cute" sporty pal to me and subject him to the ultimate fail-safe litmus test!
If he's a homosexual - however closeted or repressed - it's a given he'll be unable to take his eyes off me and will produce a raging hard-on once he comes within a 100-metre radius of yours truly. In which case, you should drop your straight-acting pretense, embrace the queen raging inside you and proceed to let him know what your true feelings are. Conversely, if he doesn't need a dribble bowl in my presence - it goes without saying that he's a rampant heterosexual. In which case, you should focus your efforts on seducing his twin brother.
Ever Ready To Sacrifice Myself For Others,
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.