The presence of the word "if" in a painful sentence could be intimidating, threatening and plain scary. We don't want to hear this in the middle of an argument or intimate talk for the obvious reason that "if" is said when there is no certainty.

Someone once told me that the only thing constant in this world is change. I sighed heavily when she said that because it meant that even the most secure relationships, IF mishandled in any way may end in a snap.

Here's an exercise, fill in the blanks.

"If you care, you wouldn't _______"

"If you love me, you would _______"

"If you paid attention to my needs, I'd still be _______"

"I wouldn't feel like this if _______"

"I wouldn't have done it if _______"

"If" in the phrases above lets us know that the action of one is a result of an action or non-action of another. After if this kind of "if" is said to us, we realize that the situation could have been avoided IF we had made another more concrete and correct decision.

Saying "if" is an attempt on part of the "sayer" to neutralize a situation. It said to someone in defense of oneself. It can follow after what I call statements of self-doubt such as:

"I didn't mean to do this."

"I thought you wanted this."

"I thought you wouldn't mind."

In reality, it can follow any statement, even the most decent ones. I sometimes believed that the word was created by human kind to provoke an argument or a fight. Imagine, "if" the word was never created, it would be harder to reverse awkward situations, turn the tables on someone, or better yet there wouldn't be a grammatical way to create new arguments or situations. But after a careful analysis and few experiments with some close friends (by deliberately excluding the word from sentences), I discovered that every other word in every sentence I deprive of an "if" (when grammatically needed for effective communication), becomes a blend of stiff and incomprehensive language.

It would be nice if we didn't have to an "if" to say when we catch ourselves in awkward, unwelcome situations with loved ones, but it's just not possible. I thought I'd rather know for certain where the direction of any of my past relationships would have taken me but there was always that crossroads, that point wherein I had to make decisions. And I must admit, I have said "if" to myself many, many times in great regret and disappointment.

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But then without "if", we would lose a skill to reason and be reasonable. We would lose part of the faculty to explain our actions and ourselves. We would give others endless possibilities to judge us. The word "if" gives us numerous chances to prove certain things such as our sincerity, willingness to bend or compromise and skill to understand another persons' grievances, thoughts and feelings.

Yes my friends, the truth is, we cannot do without the word "if". And IF we must insert it in our sentences or say it during a heated argument with anyone who matters to us, we must say it with caution and tact. We must exactly what we mean as well as be aware of the impact of our words. It's best to avoid fighting all in all, after all, IF there is no fight, then there would be no painful "ifs".

*To the reader who asked me why her girlfriend always says "if", I hope I answered your question.

Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com