My mother used to hold the Olympic record for deep denial.

Since the day I was but a wee queen with a cardigan tied fetchingly across my hips, I had dropped hints as subtle as a group of Carmen Miranda drag-impersonators in a Quaker community without causing even the slightest dent of an impact. Those were indeed trying times when despite the manifestations of my raging queen persona, my mother continued to harbour and nurture hopes that one day, her son would bring home a "nice girl" and announce that her long-awaited grandchild is on its way.

During that dark valium-popping period of my life, I have lost count of the times when I was tempted to put up posters featuring a vibrant lovely rooster with the caption "Gay Cock" all over the family home, or break into my fabulous Debbie Gibson routine (yes, I'm that old) in the middle of the family dinner - just to get my point across.

With the passage of time, I managed to wear down and penetrate her formidable defenses and convince her that the chances of her son engaging in carnal intercourse with a woman are as likely as Mariah Carey appearing in public wearing anything with more fabric than a handkerchief.

As with most parents, my mother went through the usual denial or "he-is-merely-going-through-a-phase" stage, the chest-thumping self-flagellation or "oh-God-where-did-we-go-wrong" stage before finally settling down to grudging acceptance or the "at-least-I-still-have-two-normal-kids" stage.

Still, I should be so lucky. My parents have finally accepted that their bundle of joy is a lavender-blooded homosexual although they have since become increasingly prone to bouts of deep depression and weeping fits whenever their circle of friends venture to ask about their single and swinging bachelor of a son.

Fortunately for yours truly, the dust has finally settled down on the home-front. Unfortunately for many gays and lesbians out there, the ordeal of "coming out" to their parents have only just begun (or have yet to). As the saying goes, forewarned is forearmed. So to help our fellow brothers and sisters better prepare for their big moment out of the family closet, here is Fridae's list of possible parental reactions.

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Parental Response #1: The Atomic Bomb

This category is by far the most typical reaction of parents and applies to moms and dads who detonate on hearing the news. When my friend, Edmund, came out to his civil servant parents, his father promptly fell to his knees and screamed: "My God! My son is cocksucker! He takes it up the arse!"

Before you get into a tofu-tossing argument with your parents or entertain the thought of plunging that ginsu knife into their backs, just remember - even if they yell and threaten to disown you, it's a knee-jerk heat-of-the-moment reaction and they usually don't mean it. Well, usually.

Parental Response #2: Depths of Denial

The second category is also fairly typical of parents everywhere. If the announcement of your homosexuality fails to even raise an eyebrow, you know that your parents are sunk so deep in denial as to be rendered selectively deaf when the words "gay", "lesbian" and "homosexual" are mentioned.

You could shave bald and tattoo a pink triangle on your forehead or stand on the dinner table and scream "I love to lick men's nipples!" and they would continue to talk about everything else other than your sexual orientation. If your parents are like this, you will soon realize the futility of pursuing the matter and that ignorance, in this case, is truly bliss. After all, what matters is you've tried.

Parental Response #3: Therapy Time

The next category is usually the most logical (or some would argue illogical) step any concerned parent would adopt. This is especially so if they subscribe to the school of thought that preaches the application of electric shocks to one's sexual organs in conjunction with same-sex erotic simulation as a valid and proven cure for homosexuality.

If your parents insist on sending you to a shrink in the hope of converting you, you should gently remind them that the strait jacket look is so ten seasons ago and suggest that their money would be better spent on psychotherapy or acceptance therapy for themselves.

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Parental Response #4: All's Well That Ends Well

This category actually does happen in real life where the parents are warm and accepting to their child who has just come out. Two explanations immediately come to mind: your parents are either suppressing their true feelings of shock and outrage or they are truly sincere in their support of your sexuality.

Should the latter case be true, you could either celebrate or be afraid, very afraid. For your parents will soon start to appear on national television carrying placards that say "Gays Have Rights Too!", stick rainbow flags on the family station wagon or offer to march next to you at the next Gay Pride parade. The repercussions of the last scenario are worse than you think - for the gay and lesbian grapevine is such that you might never be able to appear in public again without joining the witness relocation programme if your dad turns up in his leather thong and insists on marching with you and your friends.

In the final analysis, whatever your parents' reactions may be, one fact remains unchanged: they are your parents and will always remain your parents. Give your parents time to adjust to the fact that you are what are you - just as you have had to spent a sizable portion of your life struggling with your sexuality before finally coming to terms with it.

If necessary, educate them, reassure them that nothing has changed and keep them updated on what's happening in your life in the gay community (although I would draw the line at explicit depictions of gay sex). Show them that you are mature enough to decide what's best for yourself and that they should be happy with the fact that you're finally happy with your true homo-self.

Never throw a fit if they react negatively and never try to cut them out of your life completely. Most importantly, never ever let slip any of the following verbal faux pas if you still wish to maintain any semblance of a cordial relationship with your parents:

"But Dad! Penetration can be beautiful if you're open to it!"

"Don't blame yourself Mom, I think I got it from Dad."

You have been warned.