Dear Alvin,
I love giving my girlfriend blowjobs, and apparently, she loves it too. Now I wish to experience the pleasure of receiving one. She always wanted to go down on me... but I have a very fishy smell down there. And no matter what I do... it won't go away. My diet's pretty fine. However, my hair down there is pretty long can that be the cause? What can I do to get rid of the smell?
Dear Stinky I mean Huff-and-Puff,
It is taking all of my formidable reserve not to go to the washroom and do the technicolour hurl. The first lesson lesbians should learn is that gay men do not appreciate lurid descriptions of female genitalia or lesbian sex acts - so please spare me the details.
Moving on to your pungent topic: keeping one's genitals smelling like a fresh lily is such a simple task really! Simply wash your entire public area thoroughly twice or thrice daily with a mild soap and rinse with stimulating sprays of warm water! During one's menstrual period, remember to change one's pads or tampons regularly (at least every three to four hours) and one's underwear too if they happen to be soiled (commonsense girl!).
Having said that, vaginal odor can be also be caused by excessive sweating (known as hyperhidrosis). While my kitchen savvy lesbian pals have advised using a little cornstarch to absorb the moisture and odor, others have (more sensibly) proposed regular baths or the use of antiperspirants.
A point to note when using antiperspirants: one must remember to always avoid applying them directly to the mucous membranes of the vagina. This is of course unless one has a craving for a stinging experience or that sort of thing (tsk tsk!). One may also wish to avoid synthetic underwear, pantyhose, tights, or any spandex exercise clothes that cling to the lower body like Gladwrap and prevent air from circulating around the vulva (the whole female genital "package" including the labia, clitoris, and vagina for those unschooled in the more technical details of the female body).
Under normal circumstances, if you have observed the abovementioned measures, there should not be any foul odors emanating from your vagina. However, there are bacterial infections such as the common bacterial vaginosis which can cause an unpleasant "fishy" or "musty" smell. "Fishy" smells can also result from vaginal infections, such as trichomonas vaginalis, and, in some women, from semen in the vagina (obviously not applicable in your case). The vagina could also smell "yeasty" because of vaginal yeast overgrowths. Why, the possibilities are simply endless!
So if you think you may be suffering from a possible infection, what are you doing wasting your time writing to useless advice columns such as "Ask Alvin?" Go see a doctor or gynaecologist right away!
Smelling Like A Bed Of Roses,
Alvin
Dear Alvin,
I recently began to date a really cool chick. We have yet to have sex but I've fingered her in dark cinemas and in my car a couple of times. Unfortunately, after every "exploration," my fingers smell damn terrible. I really like this chick but the smell is a great turn off. How can I break the news to her without embarrassing her or running the risk of her dumping me?
Dear Put Off,
Don't get your knickers into a twist - why, the answer to your problem couldn't be simpler! After giving your chick the finger(s), you may wish to "accidentally" run those fingers under her nose or if you're really really sadistic, ask her to do a Kentucky Fried Chicken and lick your fingers. The wonders of manipulated "self"-realisation should never be underestimated in a situation such as yours.
Never Going To KFC Again,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
I'm lost, I'm really lost. I have been a lesbian since I was pretty young. I've always thought I knew and how to love a gal. I've never ever felt so bad until now. My last ex girlfriend just dumped me and was with another girl within a few days! And the worst thing was she seems so serious in our relationship. What happened was she left me without a word and did not even want to talk things out or meet up with me. I feel so lost and hurt. I have thought of turning straight, but I just can't. I'm just not attracted to guys at all! Is it true that lesbian relationships really don't last?
Lost Gal
Dear Lost Gal,
As Shakespeare would say "The path of love never did run smooth." It's just unfortunate that your ex-girlfriend was a heartless vixen of the love-them-and-leave-them-bleeding variety. Learn from your encounter with the femme fatale and take heart. It's not true that lesbian relationships don't last. It's just that you may have to kiss a lot of femme frogs before you finally find your Princess.
Department Head (Lost & Found)
Alvin Tan
p.s. Turning straight should not even be considered an option - unless one is forced to at gunpoint, even then...
Hi Alvin,
Congrats on your new column! I'm in a dilemma and wish to know if you can help me out here. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about this girl I met through a friend and even though I'm attached, I still think about this girl a whole lot. I even write her poetry and sent her gifts (although these gifts are more the friendship sort of gifts). She told me that she is ok with my behaviour but also added that I'm not her type and she is not looking for a relationship.
Now my girlfriend doesn't want to get close to me for she is afraid of getting hurt while I'm troubled by why I still feel so much for the other girl. It's like when I see her, I get too choked to talk but when I don't, I miss her very badly. Can you tell me the difference between infatuation and love so that I can think about what to do next?
The Lost One
Dear Lost One,
Nothing defines lesbian courtship better than the afflicted parties' willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. Penning missives of love bestowing gifts pregnant with unspoken meanings pouring your heart out in a diary it's all very Sweet Valley High (with a lesbian twist) but unfortunately, you're not in High School anymore.
Concerning the girl of your dreams, I have only one piece of advice: Don't waste your time. She's not interested in you and definitely not interested in having a relationship with you (there, there now). Learn to accept the fact that some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never ever the same. Learn also to accept the fact that some things are just not meant to be. Refrain, however, from pursuing (or stalking) the person if she is not interested (trust me, she's not playing hard to get). Show some dignity girl!
Concerning your girlfriend, you have a choice. One: start groveling for forgiveness (highly unlikely since you're not even remotely affected by the poor girl's obvious distress over your betrayal). Two: End the poor lass' suffering by doing her a favour and breaking up with her (more likely since your girlfriend is a nosy parker and your feelings for the unattainable girl appear to be stronger than what you have for your girlfriend anyway).
Concerning the difference between "infatuation" and love," always remember there are gradations: there's "infatuation," there's "lust," there's "lust with potential for love" and then there's "love." If you're unsure where you stand, just ask yourself - when you say you miss this girl "badly," where do you ache - in your heart or between your legs? Be honest.
And for one final word of advice: Always remember that no relationship, gay or lesbian, should be built on lies. For that matter, no friendship, should be built on lies and more lies. But I guess you would have realised that by now or you wouldn't be in such a dilemma. Good luck.
Liar Liar Hot Pants On Fire,
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.