Dear Alvin,

I live in Sydney, Australia, where we can take drugs without fear of getting caught and being imprisoned till we emerge one day as shriveled beings of our former selves. The other week I indulged in this liberty at an awesome dance party. Whilst I was dancing, this girl (who had obviously also indulged) comes up to me, and starts dancing too. Next thing I know she's kissing my neck and making my hands touch her boobies! This would be great if I were a lesbian but I am a gay, gay man. I couldn't help but be revolted and I could tell from the girl's expression that she was not impressed with my reaction. How does one handle such a situation without being rude?

Occasionally drug fucked but never drugged senseless.

Dear Drug Fucked,

If a woman (straight or lesbian) started kissing my neck (euw) and then made me touch her boobies (double euw), I would let out an unholy scream and then rush home to thoroughly disinfect and scrub my aforementioned body parts with Dettol - over and over again. As a gay man, I share your revulsion with the female body - but how you should react really depends on the situation.

Firstly, is the girl a physically intimidating female specimen with a black belt in karate? If so, you should assume the role of a maiden-being-forcefully-ravished and bear with it while weeping inwardly. Conversely, if you happen to tower over the horny nympho, then you can just politely say: "No thanks, sister. Not interested." and excuse yourself from the dance-floor. Finally, if you are a gambling man, then you may wish to reciprocate by necking her and making her play with your hairy balls. The final solution can lead to two possible outcomes: if she's a lesbian, she'll be "shocked" back to her senses; but if she's a breeder, then good luck to you.

Completely Sworn Off Women,
Alvin


Dear Alvin,

I've known this girl for about two months now. I am very comfortable being around her. The problem is, she likes gay-looking men - and she's straight. She's also my classmate. One of my other classmates mentioned that the two of us would tease each other without fail the moment we meet and asked if we have something going on. Both of us always deny it and make fun of it.

It also seems that she is more intelligent than me. But I don't really mind that. Still, she prefers butches with breasts. I, however, bind my breasts. Once, when I didn't bind my breasts, we ended up talking about lesbians and she said: "I think butches with breasts look hotter." What is that supposed to mean? Was she referring to me or am I just being shameless? The reason I go to school now is just to be around her - nothing else matters.

What should I do? Should I hint to her that I like her? Or should I not bother at all? Should I just continue teasing her like what I'm doing so far? Or should I refrain myself from teasing her too much and making it too obvious?

Butch-in-denial

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My Butch-in-denial,

Having graduated from high school not too long ago (okay, okay, decades ago), I completely understand where you're coming from. You are experiencing a perfectly normal "crush" on your attractive classmate who happens to know that you hold a torch for her. So no, you don't need to "hint" to her - the fact that you fancy her is already screaming out in neon signs blinking above your forehead for all to see.

The real question now is how should you proceed given your raging lesbian hormones. My suggestion: You can begin by telling her that you are dating someone who's pressing you for sex. Proceed to convince her that you're a virgin "unschooled in the ways of the world." Then shyly ask her if she would consent to have a make-out practice session with you. If she agrees, you'll get what you want. If she refuses, you'll just end up having to live with your wounded pride. A word of warning though, your classmate sounds like a perfectly heterosexual girl to me - after all, liking "gay-looking" men doesn't change the fact that she still likes men.

Finally, permit me to channel my Headmistress from the Stanford's School of Higher Learning for Stunning and Privileged Lasses: "Young girl! At your age, you should be concentrating on your schoolwork and not on how to get into your classmate's knickers!"

Discipline Mistress,
Alvin


Hi Alvin,

I'm a 20-something guy with a full-time job in Finance in one of the top hotel chains in Sydney. I've studied Accounting and European Language (German & French) and have received awards and other forms of recognition at work and in school. However, I've been single for nearly two and a half years. I had a boyfriend for a year and left because of VISA problems. Since then, I've been dating but I can't seem to find the right guy. I know I'm young and all that but it seems that when it comes to career and studies, I'm an achiever yet when it comes to dating, I'm always a disaster. I've dated guys who really like me but I don't feel the same way towards them. I don't wanna settle for the sake of settling down but should I just try to? My friends say I've got high standards and they mentioned that guys can feel intimidated. I'm no virgin or saint and have played around - but I feel that I just wanna share myself with someone and settle down. What do you think I should do? Or can do? Thank you very much.

Always a bridesmaid but never the bride,
Mr. Clueless

Dear Mr. Clueless,

Lesson Number One: Success in the academic and corporate spheres do not translate into immediate success in the cutthroat world of homo-hunting, homo-baiting and homo-snaring.

Lesson Number Two: Do not compromise your standards. If you do, there will come a day when your lapse in quality control will come back to haunt you. Ask Julia Roberts about Lyle Lovett.

Lesson Number Three: Examine your standards - are they realistic? Be honest with yourself. If they're not and you insist on sticking to them, then you're destined for a lifetime of celibacy.

Lesson Number Four: If after lowering your standards you still find yourself with no suitable candidates, then you may wish to consider lowering your pants.

Lesson Number Five: And if all else fails, you may wish to consider losing those frumpy bridesmaid outfits that do absolutely nothing for anyone's image.

Here Comes The Bride,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Mama Alvin,

It's me again Mama, the gym crush guy. Now I have a muscle guy as my gym buddy, but he just acts so straight as if he is one. The other day he asked for my contact number and offered to drive me home. I just like him and want to get into his pants. But scared that he is straight and he won't be my gym buddy anymore. I dream and fantasize about having sex with him every night. What should son do this time Mama Alvin? Should I seduce him with my bright red G-string?

Not The So Slutty Son

Dear Slutty Daughter,

I still cannot get over the fact that I have a Muscle Mary for a daughter. Worse still, I cannot get over the fact that any daughter of mine will even need to lift a finger to get her man (or any man for that matter) to drop his pants - considering my clearly superior genes. Still, legitimate daughter or not, you're clearly in distress - again. Now if your mind had not been addled by too-tight spandex outfits and over-consumption of steroids, you would know that the answer to your dilemma is really simple.

Here's what to do: Get your gym crush drunk. Bring him home. Put on your "bright red G-string." Proceed to ravish him. (Note: While it may be true that he will be too inebriated to "rise to the occasion," always remember: a flaccid penis is better than no penis at all.) Then act as if nothing untoward has happened the next day. Repeat procedure again and again until you manage to satisfy your ravenous appetite for your gym crush.

The Maternal Girl,
Alvin Tan


Hey Alvin,

Hope you can help me out. I'm a 100 percent straight guy (really-married, never did anything with a guy, love women, etc.) who likes to watch professional wrestling. One day, while I was discussing wrestling with my two equally straight colleagues, the office homo interrupted and said that there's a "homoerotic" part to professional wrestling. Imagine that! Since you're gay, and probably know something about being gay, please tell this know-it-all that it's possible for three totally heterosexual males to enjoy professional wrestling and enjoy talking about it among themselves with nothing "gay" going on!

Straight Wrestling Fan

My Dear Straight Wrestling Fan,

Let's see now� buffed-up well-greased men wearing skimpy lycra and leather outfits rolling around the ring pretending to hurt each other� of course there's nothing "gay" about professional wrestling at all! The real question here is not whether professional wrestling is homoerotic in nature but whether the homoeroticism inherent in wrestling informs and affects your enjoyment of the "sport." Unfortunately, the answer to that lies not with me but with you. And if you're really "straight," what the hell are you doing surfing a website like Fridae?

Crooked Wrestling Fan,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.