Dear Alvin,
There are many hot gay guys on Fridae. In real life, when I see attractive guys I never know how to approach them and find out if they are gay or not. This is because I worry about embarrassing myself. So when I see the guys' profiles on Fridae, I can tell they are gay without asking. However, a few guys on your site have "blocked" me. I'm just curious and would like to have more like-minded gay guys to be friends. I merely asked these guys on Fridae if they are interested to meet and expressed my wish to be friends with them.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
If I were one of those "hot" and "attractive" gay guys responsible for your dilemma, I would be extremely flattered to be on the receiving end of all your attentive hearts and emails. But since I'm neither "hot" nor "attractive" (but rather "sizzling hot" and "universally attractive"), let's move on to address your online predicament.
To begin with, dropping a person a message or an email to express one's interest is fine. The universal law of gay online cruising is that if there is mutual interest, you can expect to receive a prompt reply. Unfortunately, if the person you're interested in doesn't respond, it can only mean two things: his profile is inactive or he's not interested.
Having said that, let me give you some advice on how to get out of your current "luckless" situation by making yourself irresistible to men. First of all, do not engage in cyber stalking - defined as sending persistent emails to guys who fail to return your hearts or emails. If you must, limit yourself to just two emails at most and then retreat gracefully when there's no response after the second email.
Second, rent all of Sharon Stone's movies and commit her moves to memory. Do you realise that her appeal lies in the fact that she has never done any chasing or falling all over a guy? Instead of fretting about your singlehood, you should follow the divine Ms Stone's example and portray yourself as someone who doesn't need a man (even if you do) and who doesn't need to chase any man because you've got so many chasing you (even if that's not true).
But before that can happen, you could perhaps invest more effort in "sprucing up" your Personal Profile. For instance, you could have a friend take some flattering photographs of yourself, or take some time to write something funny, interesting and/or clever in your profile. With a top notch (and truthful) Personal Profile, you will draw men to you like bees to honey.
Mr Top Rated Profile,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
I just broke up with my boyfriend four months ago. We were together for two and half years, and it was love at first sight. All was well (ok, we had our arguments but we worked them out) until last year when he was away for almost a month. I had many problems during that time and I was lonely - so I met up with this guy from a chat-room and we ended up having sex together. My ex-boyfriend came back and somehow found out about it. He was mad and heartbroken at the same time. He broke up with me there and then. I did everything to try to win him back: I cried, I begged, I apologised, I promised to stay true, I bought him gifts on Valentine's, I called, I emailed, I sent him sms-es etc.
Finally he said he needed more time and he wasn't ready. However, he said one thing that crushed me: he didn't want to give me a second chance because he didn't want to be hurt again. My friends told me to let go, I didn't want to initially, but after so long, I finally did.
Now I'm just waiting for him to come back to me. I still love him very much. There isn't a single day that I don't think of him. I'm still waiting for him to change his mind and give me my second chance. But he doesn't seem to be doing anything and nothing seems to be happening. Right now, our conversation is reduced to just saying "hi" and "bye." I can't talk to him like I used to, because it hurts me to think that he doesn't love me anymore, and all I am to him now is just a friend. I'm more than that, and he is more than just a friend. What else can I do? What will make him love me back?
Eric
Dear Eric,
What else can you do? For starters, you can snap out of the "wishful thinking" mode you're currently in. "He needed more time because he wasn't ready" and "he didn't want to give the relationship a second chance because he didn't want to be hurt again" are the oldest brush-off lines still in circulation in the homo-verse!
I'm not saying that couples don't and won't get back together after a breakup. I'm saying that getting back together is possible only if both partners are willing to give it another go. In your case, it would appear that your ex-boyfriend looks forward to that possibility with as much enthusiasm as one would to a root canal treatment - sans anesthesia.
Listen to what your friends are saying. Salvage what you can of your dignity (or whatever's left after all that groveling and pleading) and move on. But learn from your mistakes - getting caught red-handed for cheating and being persistent about getting back with your ex-boyfriend after having been caught.
So unless you can do a Marty McFly in Back To The Future and go back in time to undo the wrongs you've done, do yourself (and your ex-boyfriend) a favour by staying away from him until you have completely gotten over him.
Your Caring Counsellor for Couples,
Alvin Tan
Hi Alvin,
I just broke off with my girlfriend so I was feeling real down. I have this gay friend called T who accompanied me throughout this period of emotional turmoil and went all the way to do a lot of things for me. He did confess that he carried a torch for me and was willing to wait for me. We even engaged in petting even though I am not really gay. I enjoyed his company and to a certain extent, the petting sessions. I am very confused as I do not know what I should do with him. I am not even sure if I am gay. I just love the physical contact between us. What should I do to allay my confusion?
A Real Confused Guy
Dear Real Confused Guy,
I am so tempted to grease my palms and administer a few hard slaps to your face. However, I am a gay person of good breeding so I shall refrain from inflicting physical harm on readers who write in to my column - no matter how much they deserve it.
Let me begin by saying that no other person (homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual) deserves to be taken advantage of - especially for their acts of kindness. If you're doing what you're doing because you feel that you are repaying your gay friend back for being there for you, then you better stop because your actions will prove to be more damaging than rewarding.
Let me also add that no other person deserves to be led on especially if they have confessed their feelings for the other party. If you regard your gay friend as a sexual substitute, be honest and upfront about it. At least, he'll go into the "arrangement" with his eyes (and legs) wide open.
Having gotten all that out of the way, let's talk about your "confusion." If you are doing what you're doing because you are attracted to your gay friend, then you're not really confused, you're in denial. Even if you're just horny and not really attracted to your gay friend, that doesn't change the fact that you've swapped saliva with a guy and enjoyed it thoroughly. Whatever the case may be, you should really start to accept and embrace your inner bisexual or homosexual.
Not Hetero, Not Homo, Not Bi, But Purely Sexual,
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.