Dear Alvin,
I've a husband whom I adore, and we've been together for some 10 years now. We were never physically attracted to each other (just not each other's type), but we bonded really well and saw each other through some tough times. He's the type of person I want around me when I am old. And the same applies for him too. The problem is there's no sex.
"When our hubbies both have their own fuck buddies, does it normally end up in four newly single ex-hubbies? For my fuck buddy and I, our situation feels great now, but I just want to know if down the road, these arrangements will end in disaster."
My question is, "Are we headed for trouble?" When our hubbies both have their own fuck buddies, does it normally end up in four newly single ex-hubbies? For my fuck buddy and I, our situation feels great now, but I just want to know if down the road, these arrangements will end in disaster. The rub is that, I sometimes feel I might fall in love with my fuck buddy, and he feels that way too with me.
Thanks,
Of Hubbies, Fuck Buddies and Married bliss
Dear Greedy Guy,
After a casual consultation with my tealeaves, it appears that the answer to all your questions is "yes." The problem with fuck-buddy arrangements is that, more often than not, one or, in your case, both, buddies want more than just fucking.
Over time, it is inevitable that prolonged physical intimacy between two consenting gay men would turn into emotional intimacy - and that's when fuck-buddy relations get (pardon the pun) fucked up.
For gay men already in a relationship such as yourself, things are far more complicated.
Having fuck-buddies will only work if both you and your husband are agreeable to the arrangement and are able to assure each other of total emotional and sexual security. Unfortunately, in your case, your husband doesn't really have much of a choice did he?
And even if things "appear" to be "great" right now, imagine how you would feel if your husband finds a fuck buddy of his own and starts doing what fuck buddies do (hint: they don't just hold hands). Unless you're totally devoid of feelings, you can expect to have to deal with jealousy issues pretty soon.
In short, the fuck-buddy set-up itself is fine if everyone who're involved are on the same frequency - that is if all parties understand what's going on and don't lie to themselves about what it means - but that doesn't always happen.
So if you and your husband can avoid the pitfalls mentioned above, then good for you and don't worry too much about it. If not, just get the dustpan ready - cause the shit is about to hit the fan.
Your Guide To Fuckbuddydom,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
I have a five-year relationship with my current girlfriend. It's her first lesbian relationship. About one and a half years back, we became close friends as our sex life drew to an end. Since then, I've been feeling very lonely and needed more intimacy than just hugging, kissing and cuddling - which is about all we did.
Recently, I met another girl who happens also to be my client. Although we hit it off, she doesn't know if I am attached or lesbian and I still cannot figure out if she is lesbian either. There are sparks between us but nothing physical has happened yet.
The problem is my girlfriend found out about my frequent secret calls, sms-es and gifts to this client and all hell broke loose. But the most hurtful thing happened during our most recent fight when I found out that my girlfriend still cannot accept OUR relationship! She is ashamed to be with me and hates to associate with anything lesbian! She cannot accept me or our lesbian relationship, and she cannot accept being in love with a woman!
However, she claims that she truly loves me and says she's suffering because she cannot let me go. Right now, she complains I don't love her anymore and that my heart has gone to my client. She added that maybe she should find a real man who can meet her needs and really love her.
I know she truly loves me even though she is straight because she left her family to live with me! But now I need more than a pal, or close friend, I need a lover, a real relationship! She loves me but not in the way that I need, and yet she cannot let me go. I too have no reason to let her go because she is the perfect partner/housemate (except as a lover). Yet my new client is driving me crazy!
Am I just lonely or should I be so cruel as to get out of this relationship? What if my client turns out to be straight like my girlfriend? Should I just stay in this relationship and seek my sexual needs somewhere else? By the way, I do not cruise or flirt or pick up anyone - but maybe I should now? I have struggled with this problem for over five months now, please help!!
Left High and Dry
Dear Left High and Dry,
How To Deal With Lesbian Bed Death: With LBD, prevention is the key. Once LBD hits, it's difficult and almost impossible to reverse (I'm such a regular ray of sunshine no?). Having said that, it doesn't mean that you should start preparing for a life of cloistered sisterhood. Add some spice in your personal sex life and pleasure yourself silly by letting your fingers do the working, investing in a good dildo/vibrator/cucumber or training your Pekinese to give you some hot labia licking.
How To Deal With Your Girlfriend: Grab hold of her by her shoulders, proceed to slap her around, and drill into her flighty head that she's a lesbian - repressed or otherwise. If she comes to her senses, proceed to make wild love on the kitchen floor. If she insists she is straight, you may wish to subject her to electric shocks in conjunction with same-sex erotic stimulation. If she still insists she is straight, pass her the contact details of your most obnoxious male colleague and then show her the door.
How To Deal With Your Client: Send your dyke-dar (or whatever the lesbian equivalent of the gaydar is called) for fine-tuning and then use it accordingly. If your dyke-dar gives you the go-ahead, then you should bear in mind the following three scenarios:
a) your client turns out to be an insatiable lesbian nymphomaniac and all your sexual needs are solved;
b) your client turns out to be straight but remains receptive to a lesbian romp and all your sexual needs are solved; and
c) your client turns out to be straight and reports you to the police - in which case you end up in a Women's Correctional Facility and all your sexual needs are solved.
There. Problems solved.
A Lesbian In A Former Life,
Alvin Tan
Hey Alvin,
Let me present my tricky situation. I broke up with my ex of one and a half years three months ago. Let's call her A. My other ex with whom I broke up with two years ago is back in town again and I've been hanging out with her for the past month. Let's call her B.
So here's my problem: A obviously doesn't want the relationship anymore and I do not want it either cos we are both really different people. But since our split, I've been hooking up with her for a couple of times now. The feeling is still there but I really don't know if it's love or not.
On the other hand while A was away, I have been hanging out with B and had a really good talk with her. I realised that I still had feelings for her and we have been hooking up as well. Deep down I know that B will be better for me but the twist is that B will only be in Singapore for one year as she is not local. I really don't know where this is all heading.
Give me a clue Alvin!
Traumatised
Dear Traumatised,
Here's a clue: I don't know where all this is heading either!
Here's another clue: Move on girl!
One thing is certain - when gripped by the desire to rekindle old flames, always recall all those "ex"-curiating, "ex"-ecrable and "ex"-asperating reason or reasons why they became your "ex"-es in the first place.
Clueless Clue-master
Alvin Tan
Alvin Dearest,
I want you to know that I enjoy your column but I never thought I'd write in until now.
I've just discovered that the man I've been dating for the past six years has been leading a double life. Once shopping, I heard a guy holler "Chris" and my boyfriend responded with a wink. Chris is not his name at all!
I dragged him into cafe at the shopping center and demanded an answer from him. Just when I was about to interrogate him, another guy (quite a hunk) came up to him called him "Mark." But that's also not his name! To make matters worse, my boyfriend got up, left with the guy and never returned!
When I called him from the payphone nearby (I left my mobile at home), he addressed me as "Russel" - and that's not my name! When I told him who I was, he said that he is suffering from memory loss and apologised! He also explained that the previous two incidents were cases of mistaken identity! Somehow, I feel that something is not quite right.
Alvin Dearest, do you think my bf is leading a double life?
Distressed Nondescript
Distressed Nondescript Dearest,
Pardon me for swearing but memory loss my perky ass!
Your boyfriend is not leading a double life - your boyfriend is leading many double lives!
In fact, what you have discovered may just be the tip of the proverbial iceberg and I really wouldn't be surprised to find out that he has more identities than Imelda Marcos has shoes!
Remove your blinkers and see the cad for who he is. He has been tomcatting around behind your back with other guys and hoping to cover his tracks by creating false identities.
Unfortunately, being non-too-bright, he wrongly assumed that gay men are only able to identify each other through their names and not their appearances (duh!). And while you appear to be able to tolerate a serial cheating boyfriend (what a saint!), what you should not tolerate is his abandoning you at a restaurant and worse, his inability to identify your voice!
Now go splash a pail of ice-cold water on your face and say "hello" to the real world. Then bid goodbye to your no-good boyfriend and go find yourself someone more deserving.
The Bane Of Cheating Boyfriends Everywhere,
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin.