ZONE:

I am Muslim and I am gay. I have been reading some stories and confessions (and even some comments) by fellow gay Muslim boys on this page, and it has certainly made me feel less alone in this situation.

It's hard enough being gay in Singapore, but too be Malay and Muslim makes it almost impossible to live our lives as we want to. Being part of the Malay community here is tough. There are societal, familial expectations on you like to be a good Muslim and marry a girl and have babies. The problem, I realised, is more societal than religious.

I have no issues with Islam, as over the years I have grown to reconcile my religion and my sexuality. I am a deeply spiritual person, I am a practising Muslim, I pray five times a day, I fast properly in the month of Ramadan, I do not drink alcohol, I give alms, I donate to the poor, I am a filial son, I am a Muslim but I'm just gay. But I have seen for myself, many so-called Muslims homophobic to the core on the basis of Islam, yet get drunk every weekend at clubs and do drugs and have sex with prostitutes. It irks me that they think they are holier than me just because they are not gay.

When I was young, I was taught that the only unforgivable sin is Shirk, or worship or deitification of anything, anyone other than God. Everything else is forgivable. So what makes me any less of a Muslim than them, just because I'm gay?

I am not out to my parents, but we have discussed the topic of homosexuality before. My dad especially, holds the belief that yes, homosexuals exist and they are born with it, but he insists that gays shouldnt just accept it and go gay all the way. He likens it to the genetic predisposition some people have towards aggression, or even obesity. To him, genetics is one thing, but the individual's choice can overcome his own so-called destiny, to become a more patient, calmer person, or a fit individual (instead of be, and let be). So I think that even if I come out to him, he'll believe it, but he won't be supportive if I "choose" to be gay and not fight my genetic predisposition to love men.

His reasoning, to me, actually makes more sense than how most religious zealots put it, so it is hard for me to claim that he is being homophobic cos it doesn't even sound that much homophobic anymore (not like God Hates Fags). That makes it more difficult for me actually, because I do not have the excuse to hate my family and pack up and go, as how I've heard other people have done.

I am now 22 and facing a crossroad, with three different possible paths to take. One, I embrace my being gay, come out to my parents, possibly hurt them, and live out and proud, maybe meet the guy of my dreams. Two, I suppress my genetic predisposition to like men and try dating a girl, perhaps even marrying her, make my parents proud, but possibly hurting my wife because I can't love her the way she'd want me to. Or Three, live a life in denial, continue having feelings toward men, but never acting on it, avoid women to prevent hurting them, and live life as a single gay man, the rich uncle spoiling my sister's children as if they were my own. The third option makes the most sense to me right now as I won't have to hurt anyone else unnecessarily, maybe just myself in the end.

Source: Original Facebook Post