I have a love-hate relationship with bodybuilding competitions.

On the one hand, I am a sucker for muscle mentertainments (like many gay men I know) and on the other, I am consumed by the certainty that I will fry in eternal damnation for all the unchaste thoughts penetrating my usually smut-free mind whenever a muscled specimen saunters pass me in barely-there trunks that leave nothing to the imagination.

I was therefore understandably conflicted when I happened to find out (ok, so I eavesdropped) from a group of Muscle Marys in my gym (Hail Marys!) that Muscle War 2003 would descend upon us muscle worshippers in the month of January!

For the benefit of our uninformed sisters, Muscle War 2003, an annual event organized by the National University of Singapore, is the premier bodybuilding competition for inter-tertiary iron men from all over the island and heaven for homo muscle maniacs.

Held on 29th January 2003, Muscle War 2003 saw the entire Lecture Theatre 13 transformed into a veritable Homo Depot. Sure there were the usual fashion-challenged members of the bodybuilding fraternity, stiff officials and a handful of repressed female students, but the audience was predominantly male with a strong gay presence. Compared to last year, the audience this year was better prepared with many a gay sister hogging the front rows and many a video camera strategically placed at every conceivable spot.

Prior to the event, I headed backstage to treat myself to a preview of the contestants doing warm-up exercises (yum yum) and oiling themselves (double yum yum). With the assurance of a seasoned bodybuilding scene queen, I easily slipped past the ineffective security personnel (comprising mainly of pimply student helpers) who were no doubt intimidated by my spot-on imitations of Whitney Houston's "Whatchulookinat" glares.

My efforts were handsomely rewarded when I managed to snap quite a few pictures of the clueless contestants while mumbling something unintelligible along the lines of "I'm from the press" (who am I kidding?). After paying my dues at the temple of body worship (i.e. I ungraciously drooled pools of saliva and baited my eyelashes like a hummingbird's wings), I returned to my seat next to the panel of judges (yes, it pays to have friends in high bodybuilding places) where I was subjected to testosterone filled rock music blaring from the sound system. I never felt more like an Enya devotee at a Marilyn Manson concert.

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Thankfully, the event began soon after with a speech by the Chairperson of the Health and Fitness Club who looked rather dishy despite his gel-until-hurricane-proof hairdo. Unfortunately, when he delivered his speech in atrocious English of the "good even-ning" variety, I made a mental note to send off a scathing note to the Dean recommending intensive remedial classes for the English-impaired Chairperson.

The Guest of Honour, Mr. Paul Chua, President of the Singapore Bodybuilding Federation, had his sonorous speech cut short by a technical glitch involving a faulty microphone - thereby proving once and for all that even mechanical devices have limits to their tolerance.

Just as I was about to slide off my seat in sheer boredom, my muscle mantenna perked up when the first contestant for the Closed Category (Under 70kg) appeared on stage. Deliciously clad in a pair of red trunks, Contestant No. 70, Nigel Lauw (Outram Institute), was the most droolsome bodybuilder this avid muscle worshipper had ever seen. How the gay members of the audience managed to stave off spontaneous ejaculations there and then would undoubtedly be the source of much medical debate for the years to cum (pardon the pun).

Another delectable contestant in this Category would be Contestant No. 71, Teo Kia Choong (NUS) who looked dashing with his golden skin and shimmering black trunks. Setting his routine to an R & B tune, he put up a polished performance (which included a quivering butt) and proceeded to deservingly net the top position.

And then there was Contestant No. 75, Quah Seow Koon (ITE Centre of Excellence), who, while rather adorable, had a body so taut and tense that he looked like something out of my Girl Guide's Book of Complicated Knots. With every strained pose, yours truly became increasingly concerned that Seow Koon would inevitably pop a testicular vein through sheer muscular exertion.

The Closed Category (Over 70kg) introduced yet another glorious new find to the bodybuilding scene. Only 19 years old, Contestant No. 80, Zeng Jianzhong (Singapore Polytechnic) was a jaw-dropping sight in his S & M inspired PVC trunks (Oh Jianzhong! Just spank me!). Although a tad over-oiled, Jianzhong walked away with the 1st Runners-Up award and provided one of the most hilarious moments in the competition when he engaged in a push-and-shove tussle with another contestant during the free posing round - no doubt in a desperate bid to attract the attention of yours truly. Now who said bodybuilding competitions are less prone to petty catfights than beauty pageants?

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There was also the adorable Contestant No. 81, Roy Chew (NUS), who proved that you don't need muscles or a well-tapered waist to participate in a bodybuilding contest - just oodles of misplaced self-confidence. Likewise, Contestant No. 76, Theepan s/o Balu (IT Centre of Excellence) refuted the claim that all bodybuilders are strict dieters by flaunting a body that could only be the result of extensive consumption of Mee Gorengs and oily Pratas.

The Open Category was, however, quite frankly a yawn. Featuring veterans of bodybuilding contests who just don't know when to quit, the display of muscle mutton masquerading as bodybuilding lambs was the most polished of the lot but also the epitome of bodybuilding boresville.

Contestant No. 82, Edwin Tan was the clear winner in this Category with his physique that resembled the bodies of Arnold and Sylvester melded together and then force-fed with steroids. Contestant No. 84, Andy Cheng (1st Runners-Up), was, in my opinion, a big FuFu Mary. Despite commendable attempts to "butch it up" with macho poses - he gave himself away when he executed perfect ballet pointes when showcasing his thigh muscles.

Like last year, the real entertainment was provided by the vicious audience, many of whom behaved as if they were transplanted from the "Jerry Springer" show. Ever ready to put the competitors through competition hell by taunting them and distracting them with rude and lascivious remarks, the audience was a rowdy riot. In fact, it was great to hear grown up "straight" men shouting out adulations of the "You turn me on!" and "I love you!" variety at their fellow "straight" bodybuilders.

While nowhere as enticing as last year's Muscle War, the experience did provide this writer with some bodybuilding take-a-ways which aspiring muscle worshippers would do well to memorize:

a) Most Popular Music: Mindless thumping techno or anything from Eminem.

b) Most Over-used Routine: Ouch-inducing splits.

c) Most Common Affliction Amongst Bodybuilders: Hernia.

d) Most Impressive Body Part: Definitely NOT the Penis.

Or as my giddy sister Ben would say: "Oh, please. I've seen bigger cocktail sausages!"