Dear Alvin,

My bf doesn't call me a lot (only like twice a week). Since he is the busier one, I figure he should be the one who calls when he's free (so that I don't bother him at the wrong time). It's not that he doesn't care about me. When he does call, he makes a big deal and shows lots of concern to my feelings. I just feel neglected in between calls.

Also, we don't go out often because he doesn't like spending time outside his house and that he's very tight in money (and he doesn't let me pay). So 99 percent of the time seeing him is in his apartment with his mother. We can hardly do anything. I don't think I can hold on to this relationship anymore. Is there anything I can do about this difference in life style?

Weber

Weber Weber Weber,

I've always tried to see the brighter side of things when it comes to relationship issues but in your case, you've been most grievously short-changed. First, he hardly calls. Second, you guys don't go out much (if at all). Third, he's tight-fisted. Fourth, you guys hardly do anything when you're together. And finally, all your dates involve his mother (very Norman Bates if you ask me).

Based on the overwhelming evidence, there are but a number of conclusions one can draw - and all of them tragic. Conclusion One: He's not ready for a relationship. Conclusion Two: He has low (and I mean barrel scraping low) expectations of what a relationship entails. Conclusion Three: He's already in a relationship - just not with you. Conclusion Four: He's afraid to be seen in public with you (cross-reference with Conclusion Three). And Conclusion Five: He's in the Witness Protection Programme. Whatever the case may be, it's high time you stop making excuses for your "boyfriend," remove your blinkers and see your unenviable position for what it truly is.

An Expert On Worthless Boyfriends,
Alvin

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Question from a fan:

I'm in a big fix. I started an affair/fling/whatever you call it with a guy during a cooling down period with my boyfriend of four years. The fling lasted five months with the last three months overlapping into my original relationship, which has since been fully resuscitated (and I have no intention of letting him go).

I'm still in occasional contact with my fling and have stayed out of his bed for quite a while but I'm afraid I'd leap right back into it (because I miss him a lot). I know you'd ask me to break it off but the thing is, I connect with him emotionally and we are on the same wavelength despite a slight age difference. We have also agreed to be friends but I'm afraid I'd be tempted as he'd be available whenever. So far, it's been restricted to online and phone chats. Here's the million-dollar question (hardly!): What do you think I should do?

Question from a Fan.

Dear Electrical Appliance,

It's so refreshing to hear from a fellow wanton who's not afraid to admit to his trampy ways. From one wanton to another, you should realize that being "over-attached" is a much envied and sought-after status! In your case, both men in your life should be able to co-exist in harmony as long as you can manipulate, I mean, manage them well. In fact, you should continue to keep them totally clueless about your brazen (but much admired) double life! All it takes are an affinity for multi-tasking, terrific time management skills and the ability to tell white lies with a straight face - and people think it's easy being a wanton.

Clearly A Wanton,
Alvin Tan

Hey,

Just want to present hither a huge problem that has been bugging me for ages… I'm seeing someone now for the past couple of months and its like our third time trying at this relationship, we have technically been together for a year or so. Apparently she cannot let go of her ex-boyfriend of three and a half years who obviously doesn't know she is going out with me. There were a few times when I discovered undeleted emails from years ago and smses that still read: "I love you."

I'm finding it so hard to trust her all over again and she doesn't seem to put in any effort at all to gain back that trust. When I talk to her about it she gets defensive and says that nothing she does is ever enough (just FYI, I'm a Virgo and she's a Gemini.). I suppose she still has heaps to learn about lesbian relationships. I think she probably thinks that I will always be there for her. Since the both of us are currently studying overseas and living together, it's much harder for me to break up with her. I really don't know what to do. Please help.

Wrecked

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Dear Wrecked,

There's nothing more devastating to a dyke's pride than to discover her girlfriend having feelings for her ex-boyfriend and there's nothing more despicable than a "lesbian" who refuses to renounce her heterosexual past and worse, her boyfriend from that past. Having said that, there's nothing more foolhardy than trying again and again at a relationship that has obviously not worked for the past two times and there's definitely nothing more senseless than choosing to remain on a ship that has sprung a leak.

In your case, you could choose to sink with your ship and suffer in silence with a schemer and freeloader for a girlfriend who clearly wants to enjoy the best of both worlds. Or you could make an effort to stay afloat by throwing the deadwood overboard (I would suggest you begin with your girlfriend) and get yourself a new partner and a new life. The choice is yours.

Always Composed In An Emergency,
Alvin

Yo Alvin!

I'm into hardcore bodybuilding (and bodybuilders). I was wondering if swallowing semen help me put on more muscle mass?

Andre

Dear Andre,

Obviously not. If what you said were true, I would have acquired the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger ages ago.

Bodybuilding Expert,
Alvin