Hey Alvin,

I'm 22. I am involved with this dream guy who is 25 years old. We've been together for two months now and I guess we love each other. He's great and everything but there's one problem. When we make love, he just lies there like a bloody passive virgin! When I asked if he's passive, he denies it vehemently. It's not that I'm a complete bottom or anything but sometimes I wish I could feel some cock up my ass you know what I'm saying? Whenever we have sex, I end up doing all the hard work. When I confront him about the issue, he tells me he's not ready. What can I do? Please help!

Miss Versatility

Oh Miss Versatility,

Please excuse me as I blinked my well-lashed eyes in disbelief. It's obvious to anyone that the guy of your dreams is turning out to be a queen! Having said that, there's nothing wrong with being passive, so don't make it sound as if it's something anyone should be ashamed of. In your case, it just means that your craving for "some cock up (your) ass" may take a long time in coming (no pun intended).

And as for having to do all the "work" in bed, since when was sex ever the equivalent of manual labour? Honey, one must always look on the bright side… all that humping and pumping will definitely keep you in tip-top shape! But seriously, you should talk to your partner about your needs and if he still refuses to "service" you, then it may be time for you to re-evaluate your relationship, invest in a dildo or ahem, seek gratification elsewhere.

Not A Subsidiary Title Holder But Miss Universe Herself,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

I've been with my girlfriend for six years. While we love each other to bits, I think we are facing the dreaded LBD syndrome. I still crave feeling desired and the post-coital cuddle (yes, and the orgasm bit, too) but I think her libido has dropped. I'm not sure if it's stress or just the fact that there's nothing exciting left to explore. Is this a symptom of the "Seven Year Itch?" How can I rekindle the "lust" in her? What should I do? Thanks.

Evenstar


Hi Alvin,

My girl and I used to have a very close relationship both emotionally and physically. However I noticed a change in the frequency of our physical intimacy in the past few months. I am pretty bothered by this drastic change and had tried to sort it out with her once. She attributed the change to tiredness. What should I do to improve the situation?

Tired Girl

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Dear Evenstar and Tired Girl,

Lesbian Bed Death or LBD is the deadly malady that strikes former pussy loving (and licking) lesbians (usually in long-term relationships) and turns them into sexless and matronly butches and femmes - at least to each other. Without the proper precautions, LBD can happen to any lesbian.

For lesbian couples suffering from LBD in the advanced stages, I'm sorry, its effects are irreversible and there's nothing I can do. Fortunately, for lesbian couples about to face LBD or are facing LBD in the early stages, yours truly is proud to present my 7-step method to prevent LBD and extend your lesbian loving in the bedroom:

1. Do not bring your fights into the bedroom, unless they're the wrestle-me-down and tie-me-up variety.

2. After grazing in your lover's pubic regions, do not start sniffing the air like a bloodhound and ask: "Hmm, did you shower today?"

3. Do not wear white socks, grubby vulva shelters (aka panties) or pyjamas resembling dishcloths to bed - in fact, do not wear anything to bed. Sleep naked instead.

4. Never ever talk about your ex-lover(s) or your sexual exploits when resting in the arms of your lover - unless she's the sort that gets off on that kind of "thang."

5. Do not let (insert name of pet(s) and/or favourite plushie) come between you and your partner when in bed.

6. Switch off all electronic devices (i.e. handphones, telephones, TV, etc) during lovemaking - except for vibrators.

7. When gazing into the eyes of your beloved, repeat this chant mentally over and over until you feel yourself swept away by a wave of Sapphic desire: "The goddess/stud I see before me is NOT my sister. She is NOT my mother. She is my wonderful partner and lover. And I want to make love to her."

If all the above should fail to work, I have one final piece of advice for Evenstar and Tired Girl - you may wish to keep your sexual flame burning and swap partners with each other.

Patron Goddess of Eros,
Alvin

(Note: For a more comprehensive analysis of the LBD syndrome, please refer to The Big Lie: Lesbian Bed Death; link provided at the end of this article.)

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Hi Alvin,

I dunno wad 2 do... I currently wen str8 bt I am still veri involved in the cr8k world... I haf a bf hu is veri nice 2 mi bt I lyk another gal... which was lyk 1yr ago... n now my feeling 4 her returned... she dated mi b4 in the past n I had missed many chances... as I didn't dare accept her since she was attached... now she juz broke up wif her current stead... while I used my bf 2 4get her but it didn't work... I dunno whether 2 tell my bf the truth or juz continued wif the r/s... wad shld I do nxt???

Confused

Dear Confused,

This may sound harsh but queries such as this really tests the limits of my patience. First you say that you're currently straight and then you go on to contradict yourself by saying that you have feelings for a girl. For goodness' sake girl, make up your mind!

Whether you are a homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual, you should never play with the emotions of your partner. Make sure you know what you want and which way you swing. Stop wasting your time and more importantly, stop wasting the time of your poor boyfriend who (you know as well as I do) is nothing but a substitute.

Finally, as for what you should do next, you should refrain from using the stream-of-consciousness writing style (unless you're a Man Booker Prize writer) and you really should invest in a good Dictionary.

Ever So Sympathetically,
Alvin


Dear Alvin,

Last weekend, when I went out with my group of gay pals, one of them remarked that I have a "camel toe." I pretended to understand what that comment meant and just laughed it off. What on earth is a "camel toe"?

Sahara Boy

Dear Sahara Boy,

You are deemed to have a "camel toe" when your crotch resembles the appearance of a camel's two toes. In other words, your testicles crease through your pants and result in a non-too-pleasing but too-obvious-to-ignore outline of two bumps with a line down the middle. This usually occurs when the crotch area of your pants is way too tight, or when you insist on wearing your pants around your nipples.

Fashion Maven,
Alvin

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.