Dear Alvin,
He is so stressed by our age difference and won't give me the satisfaction I need. I have tried telling him that I would rather have emotional satisfaction than physical satisfaction, but he is depressed nonetheless. He has urged me to find younger men but we have fallen for each other. Although he is afraid to admit it and has yet to say it to my face, I can see the stifled love in his eyes. He is also afraid what others might think of him dating an 18-year-old. What can or must I do to solve this? I really love him a lot, and I just hope he knows it.
From Sayang
Dear Sayang,
Dating senior citizens can be extremely problematic. You have to feed them, change their soiled diapers and then put up with their cantankerous tempers - but enough about the perils of dating yours truly.
When dealing with an insecure older partner, the younger party will first have to summon forth Mother Theresa-like levels of patience and understanding and get the former to talk about the source of his insecurities. He may be insecure because he feels inadequate growing old with someone who is just growing into his prime. Or he may be burned by an unfaithful toy-boy in the past (that hussy!) and is now hesitant to put his trust in your relationship because he fears that history will repeat itself.
Once you know where your partner is coming from, reassure him that your feelings are genuine and that if you're not committed to having a long-term relationship with him, then you wouldn't even be having this talk in the first place. You may also wish to come to an agreement on what you can do to make him feel better. For instance, if calling him once a day to report on your whereabouts will help, then make the effort - after agreeing that he foots your cell phone bills.
Most importantly, constantly reassure him that you do love him and care about him by spending most (if not all) of your free time with him, reining in your "wandering eye," telling him "I love you and ONLY you" frequently and staying faithful (or at least don't get caught).
Having said that, if all your Herculean efforts fail to alleviate his insecurities, then it's time you decide whether he is worth putting up with. Trust me, you really don't want to spend half of your time together undergoing FBI-type interrogations and tediously defending what you are doing when you're not with him.
Your Doyen On May-December Pairings,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
What do you think about going after a married person? I recently met a woman on a weekend trip who, despite being married, was very flirty. She was giving me the eyes all day and eventually, I rested my arm on her leg half the night while at the (rather brightly lit) hotel bar with other (straight) friends. She was also leaning into me. I walked her back to her room but chickened out and quickly made an escape. So Alvin, my two questions are:
1. Do you think it's bad karma since she's married?
2. What's the best and least risky way of propositioning someone without being offensive and looking like a lowlife?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
What do I think about going after a married person? Honey, I don't go after people - that's for attack dogs. I merely sit in my abode and wait for people - married, single or dating - to fall at my feet in humble supplication. But with regards to your questions, my answers would be:
Yes, it's bad karma - for her and not for you. She's married; she has a husband. You've not married; you're a swinging single. She's the one who's violating her heterosexist marriage vows, not you - so you're safe from karmic hell.
No, I don't know about the cruising rituals of the fairer sex. I have repeatedly clarified that I'm not a lesbian - so why ask me? But since you did, I suppose the best and least risky way of propositioning someone would be to seduce him or her into making the first move. And given how flirty this married person is, that should be the least of your concerns.
One word of advice though: never, ever get emotionally involved or harbour any expectations of establishing a meaningful long-term relationship with a married person. Why? Because you will never get to say "I do" as long as you're dating someone who already said "I did."
A Glenn Glose-in-Fatal Attraction Fan,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,
I am a 25-year-old guy currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend of two years. I used to be rather non-scene but he has since introduced me to more gay friends. I have gotten to know more people and have been going more to the clubs more often (sometimes without him alongside). Of late, I have developed my own circle of very close friends; one of whom I share a very special affinity. I have never had such a close friendship before and sometimes it scares me because of how much it means to me.
I love my boyfriend very much and I have never physically cheated on him but I am not sure I am not doing likewise mentally. I never had sex with my special friend not because I am not attracted to him (he is cute and I have to be really strong sometimes to restrain my feelings). It's because of what I share with my boyfriend and perhaps more so because I'm worried what this might lead to.
Sometimes I have unintentionally neglected my boyfriend because of my special friend and I often do not realise it until too late. I know it's not possible between my special friend (he is also attached) but it bothers me that I sometimes wonder that if our circumstances were different... My special friend and I would sometimes go out for long quiet walks in the park at night and chat until the next morning. Sometimes I would bunk over at his place and we would chat, watch DVDs, play PS2, and sometimes cuddle but without sex. My boyfriend and I have quarrelled and drifted apart because of this. I have no wish to lose either my special friend or my boyfriend.
Have I been unfaithful? I am unsure myself. Kindly advise.
Yours sincerely,
How The Fuck Did I Get Into This Mess?
Dear How The Fuck…,
Have you been unfaithful? It really depends on who you ask.
If you ask Ms Ann Landers or anyone else who sits on an equally high horse and dispenses moral judgments, then the answer is "yes." You'll definitely be branded a harlot and you'll definitely burn in hell for your infidelity and for entertaining lascivious thoughts toward your "special friend."
If you ask me, or anyone who has found himself in a similar predicament, then the answer is "no." You've not been unfaithful because you have not physically cheated on your boyfriend. Even if you were intimate with your "special friend," there are still degrees of unfaithfulness - e.g. did you kiss, did you suck, did you swallow etc. - all depending on how imaginative or self-deluding you are.
Precisely how intimate can you be with your "special friend" before it becomes a case of infidelity really depends on your personal definition of the term. The point however, is not whether you have been unfaithful. It's about the avoidance of your "growing feelings" for your "special friend." And it's about how your "relationship" with your "special friend" is jeopardising your relationship with your boyfriend.
Meeting a "special friend" to share intimate moments with can require just as much planning, secrecy and deception as a sordid sexual affair. The strain of balancing such a lifestyle can have a detrimental effect on any relationship and drive many a damsel to substance abuse or inappropriate outbursts - but enough about Zsa Zsa Gabor.
If you really cherish what you have with your boyfriend, then you should learn to put your boyfriend before your "special friend." In other words, no more "long walks" in the park, no more staying over, and definitely no more instances of "sex without sex."
The reason is simple - even if your relationship with your "special friend" is never "consummated," it would still override many of the intimacies you should be sharing with your boyfriend. The end result: a gradual breakdown of your relationship due to misplaced intimacy and loss of affection between yourself and your boyfriend.
And to make matters worse, you'll also end up sexually frustrated and there's really no worse predicament for a gay man than that.
Your "Special Friend" In Need,
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.