Dearest Alvin,
''Explain to your boyfriend that massages are about 'unknotting hard muscles' and not about 'making muscles hard,' and that while you have no quarrel with him going for regular "authentic" massages, the free jerk-off sessions have to stop as they make you uncomfortable (and of course, clearly hysterical).''
Shocked
Dear Shocked,
Take a valium, untangle your twisted panties and go easy on the exclamation marks - you're giving me a headache.
Before I address your predicament, I must categorically state that I have never had to visit massage parlors for "manhood massages" - my harem of sex slaves are far too willing to provide that service - so I'm sorry, I have no idea if "a lot of guys go for such massages."
For the sake of our readers who may not be familiar with the term "manhood massage," it is a traditional Malay technique (Urut Batin) whereby massage is administered to "vital points" to improve circulation to one's male member.
The "benefits" would apparently include prolonged erection, correction of premature ejaculation, improved muscle tone, and of course, enhanced sexual stamina - natural side effects of dating yours truly but I digress.
As far as I know, no legitimate massage parlour would throw in a "happy release" for their customers at the end of each session. The "masseuses" who offer such "hands-on" sexperiences are usually lingerie-clad women (oh! the horror!) or call boys who are getting paid to provide that "extra service."
Now that you're more clued in to the mystery of "manhood massages," you'll need to address the problem of having a boyfriend who obviously doesn't consider having a stranger fondle him below the belt as a form of cheating.
Explain to your boyfriend that massages are about "unknotting hard muscles" and not about "making muscles hard," and that while you have no quarrel with him going for regular "authentic" massages, the free jerk-off sessions have to stop as they make you uncomfortable (and of course, clearly hysterical).
If he accuses you of over-reacting, then turn the tables and ask him if he would be comfortable if you were to avail yourself to "massages." Confronted with such infallible arguments, most men - being possessive and jealous - would usually relent.
However, if your boyfriend remains adamant about going for such massages, try not to start wailing. Instead, turn it to your advantage so that if he were to ever catch you in the bed with another guy, just explain that you're undergoing a "manhood massage" or a "rectal massage" from a "masseuse" who makes house calls.
Mistress Magic Hands Herself,
Alvin Tan
Hi,
I was in a relationship for close to nine years with my ex-girlfriend. We started going to a les bar and met some new friends. In Dec 05, we decided to go on a holiday. A day before our trip, I woke up and not knowing what possessed me, checked my ex- girlfriend's mobile phone and found a sms from one of our new friends about watching movies together with my ex-girlfriend. When I confronted her... she admitted it.
I was angry and felt vulnerable. But we went for the trip and agreed in the end that we would still be together. Whilst at work, I called my ex-girlfriend and wanted her not to meet our new friends. She was unhappy and switched her phone off.
I went home but could not find her there and waited till 6 am. Somehow, I managed to find the address of that friend and saw my ex-girlfriend's shoes outside her door. When I saw them, the friend asked if I wanted to speak to her but I said I wanted to speak to my ex-girlfriend.
We had a long talk and she asked me to let her go. But I could not believe that she had cheated on me. When I saw the hickie close to her chest, my heart sank even deeper. I hung on for about two weeks because she said she didn't like what she had become and it was painful going back to an empty house that we lived in for four years.
I was confused and decided I should give her the space she wanted. So I packed and left. But a few days later, she started messaging me and asking if I was doing fine and all. All that time she is still seeing our friend.
Three months on, through sms-es and emails, my ex-girlfriend and I still keep in touch. I still feel very passionate about her and miss her terribly. She tells me that she is taking slow with our friend but also tells me that if I and her were to go out, there should be no expectations.
Whenever I try asking for a pointblank answer, my ex-girlfriend always says that she has not decided yet. Am I waiting for the impossible?
pinkylee
Dearest pinkylee,
Your situation reminds me of a scene out of The Fly II (1989): When Eric Stoltz (son of the fly) revealed his secret to his lady love Daphne Zuniga, she remains incredibly understanding for a woman who just had sex with a disgusting human fly.
Like Daphne Zuniga, you remain so "understanding" that even after discovering that your ex-girlfriend cheated on you with your friend, you are still on talking terms with your ex? I'm sorry, but if I were in your shoes, I would be uttering death curses and sticking needles into a voodoo doll replica of her.
You are putting your life on hold waiting for your ex-girlfriend to make a decision and obsessing with whether she would return to your side when you should really be focusing on the fact that your ex is a two-timing tart who has dumped you for your friend (so sorry, there's just no way to put it across subtly).
From what you've written, you have been the paragon of understanding and really, you're far too decent a Sapphic Sister to be treated the way your ex has treated you. (Note: You may also wish to consider raising your eligibility criteria for friendship if you still keep referring to her partner-in-crime as your "friend".)
So stop being such a pushover and start believing that you deserve someone better than your ex-girlfriend. Otherwise, to paraphrase Ms Tyra Banks, you'll find yourself "still in the running towards becoming Singapore's Top Lesbian-In-Waiting."
Your Sapphic Sympathiser,
Alvin Tan
Mommy Alvin,
I just need your opinion on your column (as my boyfriend loves to read it). Oh just FYI, I'll consider you as a brother instead of a mommy, if you back me up.
Here's the thing: I am 23, handsome, hot, sexy, irresistible young lad (Mommy Alvin, sure you can add another plus label on me) who lives in Indonesia. My boyfriend lives in Thailand. So it's a (not so) long distance relationship.
The problem is my boyfriend found out that I have a Fridae account and saw me in all my glory on the profile. Ok, so what was I thinking? But I'm sure you had done the same? Unless, well, you're not a breath-taking object for photographers, which I know you are.
After he found out, he was so disappointed. I was disappointed too, for he didn't understand me well. He has a Fridae account himself, and people could see how handsome he is.
In my defense, I just want people to be aware that I exist, hoping perhaps for a sex session with Bruce Willis too (or with a look-alike). I have no intention to have another lover as I love my boyfriend so much. Good looking people (like you and me) like to flirt, right?
So write boldly in your column that we like to flirt and our boyfriends need not worry. Thank you, Brother.
Maksim
Dearest Abang (Indonesian for brother),
Your attention grabbing and privates flaunting antics must surely make you the Indonesian equivalent of Bai Ling who, according to the Hollywood rumor mill, would attend even the opening of an envelope - scantily and tragically clad of course.
While I am flattered that you recognise the fact that I, Alvin Tan, am indeed "breathtaking" and "good-looking," I am infuriated with your insinuation that I would consent to having compromising pictures of myself put on public display - especially if it's for free!
In spite of your liberal flattery, I'm afraid I have to take your boyfriend's side on this (more so since he loves to read my column). When you're in a relationship, you should always take into account your boyfriend's feelings in whatever things you do - unless you're me, in which case, your boyfriend exists only to pander to your whims and fancies.
Put yourself in your boyfriend's unfortunate shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend not only insists on exposing himself for every gay man's viewing pleasure but persists in doing so after being told that you were unhappy about it? Now do you get it?
You may also wish to re-examine your "justifications" [i.e. "I have no intention to have another lover… (but I'm) hoping perhaps for a sex session with Bruce Willis"] and be honest about what's really driving your behaviour: your craving for attention, your tendency to stray or the lack of regular sex in your long distance relationship etc.
Finally, before your boyfriend resorts to making you put on constrictive undergarments, permit me to enlighten you on the distinction between flirting and exposing oneself publicly - namely, the former is a fine art of seduction while the latter is the surest way of earning a not-so-decent reputation and getting a criminal record.
Your Beautiful Kakak (Indonesian for older sister),
Alvin Tan
Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.