Dear Alvin,

The other day I was chatting with someone cute on MSN. When I asked if he had any fetishes, he said he was a "Dairy Queen." I didn't ask him what he meant because I didn't want to appear clueless. We met up subsequently and I'm interested in dating him. But I still have no clue what's a "Dairy Queen."

Help! Help!

Thanks!

Young and Clueless

Dear Young and Clueless,

The term "Dairy Queen" refers to a gay man who enjoys dressing up like the milkmaid from the Dutch Lady Milk advertisement.

I'm kidding, and I also doubt he was making any reference to the popular international fast food chain of the same name.

It actually refers to gay men who love to suck on nipples - although they are also known, rather unkindly, in some circles as "Unweaned Queens."

Dating a Dairy Queen could expose your petite protrusions to anything from light licking to tiny bites, gentle tugs to hardcore tweaking etc. If you enjoy nipple play, it would be a match-made-in-homo-heaven.

Some parting advice: Dating a ravenous Dairy Queen could leave you with perpetual nipple hard-ons or de-sensitised nipples. Worse, dating an inexperienced (but still ravenous) Dairy Queen could leave you with wounded nipples if he starts munching on them as if he was chewing betel nuts.

Lactose Intolerant,
Alvin Tan

Experts say: "Sex researchers Masters and Johnson, who made 1960s history by inviting heterosexual and homosexual couples into their research rooms and watching them have sex, were struck by how nipple play marked the difference between homo and hetero sex. Nearly 75 percent of the gay couples Masters and Johnson observed began their lovemaking by nipple stimulation, with frequent penile erections resulting." Read more at homohealth.org.

---

Alvin,

I really really like this guy. We went out for a couple of weeks and enjoyed each other's company very much. But we recently found out that we're both bottoms! My friends tell me that I should call it off. I'm very upset and confused. What should I do?

Hit Rock Bottom

Dear Hit Rock Bottom,

Let me share with you a long-standing joke in the gay community:

Q: What do two bottoms do in the bedroom?
A: Hair and make-up.

Insensitive joke aside, there are two differing views to your dilemma.

There are members of the gay community who hold the view that a relationship will only work if it comprises a top who's the "penetrator" and a bottom who's the "receiver" during sexual intercourse. If you mention your situation to them, they will brand you a "lesbian" (no offence to our Sapphic Sisters). Then again, do you really care what these naysayers say when they tend to be bedroom bores with their stick-to-the-routine sex?

On the flip side of the coin, there are members of the gay community who think that there are more ways of achieving sexual fulfillment than just anal penetration. To them, it's possible for two bottoms (or for that matter, two tops) to have an enduring relationship. All that's needed is a vivid imagination, a sense of adventure and of course, a double-headed dildo.

Blessed With A Beautiful Bottom,
Alvin Tan

---

Dear Alvin,

S and I used to be together four years ago before I broke off with him which hurt him real bad. One year later, I realise that he's the perfect one for me. From then till now, all the guys I've dated failed to meet up to my expectations (perhaps the benchmark I have set is S).

Yes, I seriously want him back desperately because he's everything I'm looking for (I know him inside out). Just one month back, he just broke off with his bf of two and a half years. I was overjoyed although he still loves his ex lots.

S knows that I've been waiting for him for the past four years but the timing wasn't right. It's either I'm attached or he's attached. Friends have reminded me the past is past and that the feeling of getting back together will be different. But I chose to ignore them.

I want him back.

Enlighten me please,
M

p.s. We are very good friends still.

Dear M,

Let me get this straight: You broke your ex-boyfriend's heart, threw away a long-term relationship, went for fun-rides on the dating merry-go-round, realised he's the best person for you, became "overjoyed" when he broke up with his boyfriend, and now you want him back "desperately."

Honestly, given your behaviour, I have no idea why your ex-boyfriend hasn't welcome you back with open arms.

Now, assuming that your ex-boyfriend still loves you (and that's a BIG assumption), you would probably need to grovel, admit that you made a big boo-boo back then and shed some copious tears - in other words, just do what Bill Clinton did during the "Monicagate" scandal.

Then find an appropriate time to speak to him, let him know how you really feel and more importantly, how wrong you were. Tell him everything you want to say and everything he needs to hear - but try not to pressurise him into making a decision or you may run the risk of getting him to agree only because he's on the rebound.

However, the crux of the matter is not whether you want him back - it's whether he wants you back at all. Here's a hint: There's a reason why you are now "very good friends" instead of "boyfriends."

Expert Exorcist of Ex-Boyfriends,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.