When my invites for Cleo magazines's "Most Eligible Bachelor" Party arrived in nail-polish pink, I was immediately assailed by a vision of myself playing (and surpassing) that minx Trista in ABC's hit series "The Bachelorette."

My reverie included hot tub dating, going on luxury cruises and luxuriating in expensive love nests with some of Singapore's most eligible bachelors while they vie for the red roses I would dispense at the end of the show.

With that thought in mind, I slapped on my Essence of Youth (not that I need it) and drifted down to nightspot Zouk in a cumulous cloud of chiffon - only to be stopped dead in my Miu Miu encased tracks by the sight of a queue extending from the club entrance to infinity and beyond.

Grudgingly joining the queue, I noticed that the crowd comprised predominantly excited and excitable young girls hornier than a sackful of mating rabbits. Yet what really surprised me was the substantial turnout of men, men and more men at the event - which begs the question: What the hell are supposedly "straight" guys doing at a contest featuring Singapore's most eligible bachelors?

After standing in line for an hour, my by-now-frayed nerves were stretched further past their breaking point by the sheer unprofessionalism of the Zouk bouncers. Imagine! They did not even bother to check if I was under-aged - especially when I look all of eighteen!

Following a minor fracas with the bouncers (I did insist that they do their job properly and ask for my Identification Card), I floated into the cavernous nightclub - only to be greeted by the horrendous sight of a wild hen party in full swing.

Hell, I am no Grandma Moses but the transformation of usually virginal office girls into frothing fallen floozies competing for the attentions of "single and available" men proved to be a tad too overwhelming even for one such as myself.

Braving shameless pawing by a bevy of bovines (oh, the indignity for a homosexual!), I managed to squeeze through the packed crowd and position myself at a most unobtrusive spot - somewhere right at the front of the stage.

Designed to resemble a boxing ring, the stage was a sight to behold. However, what was visually even more impressive was the endless parade of bachelors who came sauntering out amidst unbecoming catcalls from the less restrained members of the audience.

(Disclaimer: Contrary to vicious rumors, I was not screaming my lungs out - I was merely doing my vocal warm-up for my appearance at a post-party karaoke gathering).

---

The party proceedings, however, reached fever pitch when the bachelors had to endure inane games involving brazen women from the audience. The more outrageous games had female participants sticking post-it notes on the bachelors' bodies without using hands, stripping off their jackets and shirts in the shortest time possible, and licking whip cream off their naked torsos.

Unfortunately, my enjoyment of the games were marred by the way the two clearly myopic comperes chose to deliberately ignore me (and my flailing arms) when they were asking for volunteers to partner the bachelors for onstage games.

Having said that, the sight of bod-delicious bachelors with whipped cream caked nipples was pure manna from homo-heaven. Unfortunately, the sounds of talent-stricken bachelors trying to sing their ways into the hearts of the audience were pure torture.

Especially trying on the ears were assistant producer Samuel Nai who turned a Q & A session into a karaoke free-for-all (talent where art thou?) and the hot male nurse with American Idol aspirations, Haizad Imran, who mumbled his way through not one but two songs (where's Simon Cowell when you really need him?).

Soporific entertainment notwithstanding, Cleo's bachelors for 2004 did a wonderful job preening, posing and playing - much to the enjoyment of the men-hungry crowd. In fact, that alone is quite an achievement - considering this year's rather dismal selection of bachelors as compared to better beefcakes from years past.

Still, bachelors who were worthy of mention include my favourite freight forwarder Vernon Bay who won the "Bachelor with the Sexiest Attitude" Award, fitness trainer Joel Wong whom my partner absolutely adores (curses!) and national serviceman/competitive swimmer Desmond Foo.

However, as the saying goes: one homo-man's meat is definitely another hetero-woman's poison. All of my favourite bachelors eventually lost out to 23-year-old business school lecturer Mark Philip Zee who was bestowed the honour of being Cleo's "Most Eligible Bachelor" 2004.

All in all, the party was a lark and made for an enjoyable night-out.

Now excuse me, as I sign up for a Banyan Tree spa getaway to de-tox myself from all that excess estrogen…