Oh my God! Cher, were you serious when you came out with the title of your new album? I mean, Living Proof? Like, hello?

Cher, sweetheart, you don't really have to proof that you're alive. You're still haunting us with Believe and we don't even need seances for that yet. Don't worry, your queer disciples will always worship you no matter what Martha Stewart says about your outfits. By the way, what's with the "Heidi meets Mistress of the Dark" garb on the CD cover? Tsk, tsk.

In any case, queen mother, your album is absolutely fabulous! I'd throw you a royal reception if I were married to Prince William, but since I'm so ghetto you'll just have to bring your own plate and take the stairs up to my dilapidated whore...um…penthouse.

Anyhow, it's a relief to hear your sermons in dance again. We've been melancholic ever since the likes of Britney clouded our minds with S&M filth. What would we ever do with our wigs if you left us?

Now we know The Music's No Good Without You, praise the Lord. But why does the music sound like it came from an '80s Modern Talking song?

Furthermore, Cher darling, why is your evil twin "Cherbot" still singing? Didn't you have enough of her annoying vocoded voice on Believe? She's like stealing the microphone on A Different Kind Of Love Song. Didn't you notice? It's like…why let her take over in the first place? Yes? Hello? Okay, forget it…you're not even listening.

You know, you don't sound a day over 105 on (This Is) A Song For The Lonely — and that's a compliment. Body To Body, Heart To Heart is surefire single material and your remake of Amber's Love One Another is an effortless proclamation of the strongest and most basic human emotion: love.

Oh crap, now my mascara's running!