I have a confession to make. I don't like gay clubs very much.

There, I've said it. I don't like gay clubs very much at all. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I don't like them one bit. I don't get them, I don't care for them, hell I don't even like the thought of them.

Now, before anyone starts petitioning to get me fired, let me explain. I like my drinks (mom will tell you I'm an alcoholic, but I much prefer the term "alcohol appreciator", thank you) and I also enjoy clubbing and shaking my non-existent ass. That really means that I'm out killing my liver pretty darn often. Hell, the bartenders can rattle off my credit card number by heart.

Anyway, I party hard, have a great time with my friends, and usually end up singing cheesy songs from our 80's youth as I stumble home (completely unappreciated by cab drivers of course). The point is, even though I'm out an average of four or five times a week (hey, who's counting?), my plans almost never include a gay club.

I'm quite sure many will agree that the bar/club you're at plays a major part in determining whether your night's da bomb or just a bomb. And let's face it - crap is crap is crap, regardless of the sexual orientation of the crowd. I know I'm making huge, sweeping statements about gay clubs, and there have to be some around that don't suck. But I've had my fair share of the must-go gay clubs around the world, and honestly, they all kinda meld into one sizable pile of poop. Here's why:

1. The Music

What is up with music at most gay clubs? In case no one's noticed, songs that aren't from Planet Kylie and the Cher Solar System do exist. I asked a DJ who spins at a gay club in Melbourne why the music sounded as if it was played off the same CD every night. He replied that it wasn't his fault and blamed the mob of disco queens who could turn nasty and potentially life-endangering if he didn't please them by playing the stuff they still love so much.

People, I feel it my duty to inform you that 12-year old girls get over first love crushes faster than the scene gets tired of a song. Many gay clubs also play lots of pop songs currently on high radio rotation. That's fine. Great, even. Pop songs can be tons of fun to be silly to, but why the terrible remixes sped up to make every artiste sound like Justin Timberlake with his balls caught in his zipper? Does everything need to have a High NRG throb to it?

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2. The Drinks

If there's one thing I'll give gay clubs, its consistency. No other type of venue serves drinks as uniformly watered-down and weak. I'm quite certain old English ladies take their Gin and Tonics stronger than what those gym bunny bartenders serve up. You'd think the fact that drinks at gay clubs usually cost considerably more than the average bar price would mean at least quality booze. Nope. I'm beginning to think "top shelf" in a gay bar simply means the upper-most shelf where more cheap alcohol is stored.

3. The Crowd

I've been trying to figure this one out. If the DJ's playing all the stuff the crowd likes, and if alcohol - which is a depressant - is obviously not served in excess amounts, why do so many guys look so miserable and unhappy? Look around and you'll spot plenty of pouts, sneers, and enough I'm-looking-right-through-you expressions to fill a very large hole. Maybe it's because everyone's wearing the same clothes… and has the same haircut, and has the same build, and I'm guessing the same genetic code. Forget the ethical arguments against human cloning - it's already happening.

4. The Club Itself

If gay men are supposed to have fabulous [insert air kisses here] taste, why do so many gay clubs look so bad? Now, I'm not talking about the weekly parties held in existing clubs. I'm talking about the gay establishments. Has anyone else noticed that they tend to look terribly cheap and dingy? And weren't gay men supposed to have invented "good lighting"? It's subtle, but there is a difference between flattering light and plain ol' dark. I don't know, maybe the interior decorators are straight.

So there we go. Four major points for your consideration. I've actually got a few more on my list, but those have nothing to do with anything but me being cranky (I just ran out of bourbon). However, coming out of point 4, I personally can't fathom why I'd ever want to spend any time in a gay club, unless everything else was closed, burnt to the ground, or infested with the Ebola virus. Partying in an exclusive environment doesn't do anything for me, and I have tons of fun with my straight and gay friends in really nice "straight" clubs and bars that couldn't give two fucks about your sexual orientation. But that's just my opinion.

Maybe I'm lucky that I don't only feel comfortable being myself at certain places. I understand that some people are only free to be who they are at these gay clubs. Maybe I've got the whole thing wrong and I'm not seeing the beauty of these clubs (is there a V.I.P section that I'm missing out on?). Or maybe, just maybe, the scene really does suck.

Nah, it's probably just me.