ZONE:

I am 25 years old, gay, closeted and nobody knows about my situation. Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. This is my hell. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster everytime I think of it. 

My life now only consists of work and gym time. I rarely go out because I don’t have alot of friends. I’ve lost most of my friends during my depression times when I was in secondary school. All my friends now are all male and all straight. Straight guys my age have only one thing in mind —- pussy —- so everytime we do go out, it’s always hitting on girls at the clubs or the bar… Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun and I’m really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it’s what I want but I cannot have.

For a 25 year old, I consider myself successful and very mature. I run my own business, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent. People my age envy me and wish they have the life they think that I have - perfect because of what I have and everything I have accomplished, but being a scared “closet gay”, they don’t know the imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge negative effect in my life and it’s gradually messing me up.

I’ve always had girlfriends, but I have been single for three years now. Like any 25 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet, I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex with each other already. I’ve already hooked up with several guys and I really hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a bad “label” for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don’t want to have sex with random people. I am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.

Ultimately, bottom line, I just want to come out to my family and friends. I want them to know who I really am because I am tired of hiding my real identity. I know they will accept me for who I am, but I am scared. I don’t want my siblings to treat me differently especially my brothers. Also my friends. They are all homophobic.

I just want to live freely. I want to be ME. I just wish that if I do come out to people, they will realize that I will still be me and I will not change. I will not turn feminine, I will not start wearing make up, I will still have my manly voice, everything!