ZONE:

You’re always my boy. 

You’re special. You’re everything to me. You’re brave, you were the one who confessed to me while having sandwiches for lunch in the canteen while we’re in secondary 4. We then continue our relationship until you left me at 35…… 2 weeks ago. 

Through our years together, we never let go. You didn’t let go. I cheated on you twice, you had a astronomical heart, you persisted, you believed in me. You gave me chances. I repented, but I realized that the time we spent after that was severely limited. 

It just came. So what if we’re both hunky and fit. So what if we’re both physical trainers in the same gym. What we didn’t expected came. 

I remembered that we were having picnic that day, you suddenly complained of severe dizziness and headache. While in the hospital, you were diagnosed with a final stage cancer of the left brain. With weeks left only to spare.

You knew it long ago, 1 year ago, but you didn’t wanted to frighten and scare me or make me worried. You just continued to live your life with me to the fullest for that one year until I found out. 

No wonder … During that 1 year.

1) You never shouted at me when I screamed at you whenever quarrelling, you just kept quiet and looked away. I often called you a coward, you just shed tears

2) From time to time ( almost everyday) you would just wanna hug me from the back, for no apparent reason. Your hugs were unusually long, 2 mins worth. I questioned you, you said you needed more of my warmth, you needed my body to hold on to, you wanted to live in me. I then kept quiet, thinking of nothing else and just let you hug me and not me. Hugging you back … How foolish of I not to realize that something was amiss. 

3) In bed, You often cuddled near me and cried for no reason, almost everyday. I whispered to you what’s wrong. You kept saying nothing and that you just had some stupid nightmares. I even suspected that you cheated on me. But that was never case. 

4) You acted weird and kept asking me weird hypothetical questions. Like what if you’re gone and blah blah. I scolded you for making such stupid questions and discussions… But little did I know…

5) Instead of going to restaurants or city areas. You often bring me to the favorite spot —— Pasir Ris Park, facing the seaside and enjoying the breeze. You just kept silent. While sitting with you, you just leaned your head and rested on my chest, breathing heavily into my chest. Whispering that you really love me and you’re sorry for any wrongdoing in the past. I felt good, I felt comfortable, I felt happy. I thought you were happy too, but little did I know that you actually needed a bodily support cuz you’re suffering from the heavy “”migraines”“… You’re suffering… Badly.. Why dear? Why didn’t you tell me back then? 

Fast forward till now. I cried when the doc told the truth to me. I kept asking and scolding you for not telling me. Now I really don’t know who’s right or wrong here. But nonetheless, I’ve taken it strongly and I’d pledge to be with you till the end. 

It’s real sad. The doc said only weeks remained. And you, you just got weaker and weaker. You said you didnt want anymore treatment. You knew the natural process is coming and unavoidable. You just wanted to spend the remaining time with me. You lost weight, you lost your happiness at times. You cried a lot, you lamented on the wrong things you’ve done. 

But my dear, I’m the one more depressed. It aches me to the core that to see you, a strong, hunky, muscular and fit guy, being slowly eroded and tortured into a skinny, malnourished warrior, fighting the very battle of his life.
It’s painful, painful … Painful. Your coughs, your endless headache, your endless tears…. 

Here’s what happened on the day he left me. 

I as usual, went into the single ward room to visit him. 
I touched his right hand and squeezed it gently, implying my presence.

He: * Opened eyes and gave a weak smile*
Hi hon, thanks for being here. 
* you then looked down* 
Can you get a can of coke for me? I want something sweet, after days of drips and pure water

When I returned. He then said in a meek and panting voice. 
”” I feel I’ve to tell you now. I don’t want treatment is cuz I knew it wasn’t worth it. And I know that the money could be channeled into other uses for you. And I’m sorry that I kept it from you. You’re the dominant and fierce one between us. I just couldn’t know how would you take it in. But I know there isn’t any regrets. I’ve done what I could. I’m happy now, I’ve managed to spend all my time and energy onto you”“ 

And then he shed tears and held my hand, with the remainder of his strength, ” Hon, when I’m gone, I want you to be happy, I don’t mind if you want to have another partner. Just make sure he’s the right one for you and that you two are able to live life once again. I don’t mind at all and I’ll always love you.

He stretches out to kiss me a warm albeit weaker kiss on my lips. And then he whispered , I’ll always love you dear, thank you.. Thank you for everything… Thank you. 

I hugged him tightly and literally broke down. I loved him, i was touched by his words, I’m not good enough for him, maybe that’s why he has to leave. I couldn’t mutter a single word. I was too broken down to say anything. But I managed to whisper “I love you and sorry” between my sobs. 

He then calmed me down and said ” can i ask u of a final favour?”
" come join me on the bed, I’m feeling cold, I need a warm, cozy hug badly""

How could I ever reject? So I went, took up a quarter of the space on bed and gave him the warmest, tightest, coziest hug ever. He then fell asleep on my left shoulder. I shed tears, I knew what it meant. I just held on to him. 

He died on my arms.

My dear, I hope you’ll see this post. I hope you’ll know how much I love and care for you. I’m so sorry for any wrongdoing in the past. Please forgive me. I love you. *** me sheds a ocean of tears*** 

I’m sorry guys, I know it’s the X’mas season and I shouldn’t be posting this negative stuff. But he left me just weeks before X’mas and I wanna dedicate this to him. Dear siblings please treasure your partners out there. And also I’ve learnt an important lesson. Looks and good bods would eventually fade away in time. What matters most is the character, heart and the love.

I’m all alone now, but I’ll struggle to move on. Please be strong everyone and be happy. 

Thank you.
Love, P, the changed man.