I'll admit that my bias toward this article favored the conservative mainstream view that you should only have one lover in your life; conversely, anyone considering an open relationship would be merely courting disaster. Considering we have all been socialized in an Asian community that frowns on promiscuity, I believe my opinion is hardly surprising.
The notion of open relationships isn't simple, and those who are quick to label non-monogamous people as sluts ought to take a leaf from this report: there is more to open relationships than you assume
Conveniently labeled as deviants or queers, we have the liberty to defy social conventions. This factor also permeates our concepts of relationships. We are free to disregard the norms of heterosexual relationships in the quest for an ideal arrangement.
Yet we find ourselves trapped by an Asian contextual bind: our culture implicitly shuns infidelity. Thus, while we can scarcely alter our sexual orientation, many of us consciously avoid breaking the social contract of holding the monogamous relationship sacred. Most people choose monogamy believing that it will deepen their relationships. For others, it's about values and fidelity. Simon, a friend who upholds monogamy, says it is often the key to creating a sense of safety and security in any relationship.
Pondering over why I was happy to be in a monogamous or 'closed' relationship, I came up with the following reasons. Firstly, a 'closed' relationship promises me security and stability. Secondly, staying faithful to one partner gave me an increased protection against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Also, I experience a deeper level of intimacy in an exclusive relationship with one person.
But enough about the benefits of monogamy.
There are a variety of reasons for open relationships. Many, I believe, see promiscuity as part of our gay/lesbian identity. Promiscuity becomes a yardstick separating us from heterosexuals. Some choose open relationships with the belief that it adds spice to their primary sexual relationship and keeps boredom away. They want both the stability of an ongoing partnership as well as the independence to pursue their sexual fantasies. Others choose it prompted by a fear of intimacy, or a fear that they might miss out on something important. Then there are those who view such practices in purely recreational terms, separate from the kind of sexuality which they reserve for their partners.
Most people in open relationships have tried to live a monogamous lifestyle and found that it just doesn't fulfill their needs. Alex has been in a non-monogamous relationship for 3 years now and says this: "It is unrealistic to expect any one person to fulfill all their needs for intimacy, companionship, love and sex. If not alleviated, problems spanning the range from mild resentment to utter dissatisfaction result. Why go through all that?" Also, many find that 'closed' relationships suffer from excessive dependency. Tolstoy has stated that "to say you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live."
Being Asians, the phenomenon of open relationships is not as widespread as our counterparts in the West. Increasing individuality and Western influences, however, have drawn attention to the gamut of possibilities open relationships offer. One 27 year old friend told me unapologetically (on the account of remaining anonymous), "it gives us the opportunity to meet all our needs which would have been otherwise repressed had it not suited the other partner"
This first one is by far the most commonly practiced form of open relationships. Here, a couple's relationship is regarded as principal, and any other relationships (long term or short) revolve around this, i.e. the couple decide that their relationship will have precedence over all outside relationships. The couple makes the rules, and secondary lovers have little power over decisions and are not allowed to negotiate for themselves.
An example of such an arrangement would include those couples who cruise and venture into bars and saunas looking for recreational and/or anonymous sex. Alex maintains that he and his boyfriend have an agreement that either partner can go out alone and have sex with other men, but at the end of the day, the focus is on sex rather than relationships.
Many gay couples who have been together for some time do feel that a change is needed. While a couple can love each other completely, they need fresh challenges. Summarily, they need to have sex with others. I attribute this to the MTV syndrome of decreasing attention span, that fuels a need to experiment with different perspectives.
The reason accounting for this popular type of open relationship is that it does not threaten the primacy of the couple, so long as they heed that their primary commitment is to each other. This allows couples to feel secure for they know they won't be abandoned.
Despite this, relationships aren't ever that simple or easy to predict and control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else may lead to becoming emotionally involved and eventually falling in love with that person. Proceeding with any secondary of sexual relationship opens a veritable Pandora's box, and often these secondary relationships can take on a life of their own, threatening to break the former.
Next, there are relationships in which all members are equal partners. The three or more individuals involved can make their own rules and decisions, autonomously tailoring the situation to whatever suits his or her needs best. This approach allows each to independently adjust levels of commitment, which may be tweaked as time passes. Greater dynamism enhances intimacy, love and sexual satisfaction without the need to feel attached to any one person. I do know some people who engage in this form of openness because of their relentlessly tight schedules. They find it pragmatic since they do not have the time nor energy to devote themselves to cultivating a steady relationship.
There are many questions to answer if you are toying with having an open relationship. How much security do you need to preserve that bond in a relationship? Do you constantly need to be "number one"? Are you comfortable sharing lovers? How much privacy and personal freedom do you require? What do you expect to gain from any relationship? Is an open relationship merely a means of seeking validation of your sexual appeal?
Having decided to try an open relationship, the following obstacles must be crossed. You and your partner will discover many insecurities and fears stemming from deep-rooted personal principles. Jealousy is common and may lead to conflict. Both of you must cope and learn to be comfortable with your new arrangement. This takes time.
Map out your wants and know what works for you. Be articulate, honest and forthright. It is crucial to pick partners who are in tandem with yourself. Bluntly put, you should be thinking with the correct head.
Perhaps these guidelines will help:
Maintain honesty and openness. Have a discussion and set some parameters. The recurring rules I have weaseled from my friends who advocate open relationships include:
Practise safe sex, and come home (i.e. no stayovers). One of the simplest agreements and one of the strongest, it soothes two major worries - abandonment and sexually transmitted diseases.
Inform the other partner what has happened. Some people regard complete honesty, no matter how brutal, as better than deception.
Others however prefer a "Don't know, don't tell" mentality. What one doesn't know won't harm.
Sex only. Getting emotionally involved isn't an option.
Whether an open relationship suits you is an individual choice. Should your partner suggest it and you find yourself reluctantly agreeing, believing that you will lose your partner otherwise, then DON'T. Your partner has no right to impose his wants upon you.
A therapist has mused, "One of my strongest beliefs is that dishonesty breaks up relationships, not infidelity. The betrayal is in not telling the truth or in hiding. Trust is what must be restored. Trust is difficult to reestablish and for many relationships, impossible. Trust is the fabric upon which we build relationships. Without trust, there is at best a shaky, fragile foundation."
Open or exclusive, the choice is yours. Trust before thrust.
Printable Version
RSS Feed: 
