Fridae

"How can sleeping with a woman make you proud of yourself if you know you'd rather be with a man?" - Harvey Fierstein in Torch Song Trilogy

"Coming out" is a terrifying term.

In the Asian context, it is akin to having your extensive biography of one-night stands published in the national papers for all to read.

On the one hand, it refers to the act of coming into terms with and accepting the fact that you're gay. On the other, it also means that you stop hiding the fact that you're gay and live your gay life openly, in the same way that straight people do.

For most gay men, the process of coming out is no debutante ball. There are no handsome escorts waiting at the end of the stairway as you make your grand appearance in your most fetching outfit and there are most definitely no cheques from well-wishing aunts and uncles.

In fact, for Asian gay men, coming out has always been and will always be a daunting process, especially when it carries with it so many implications: disappointing family expectations, religious taboos, work-related repercussions and general public disapproval.

From the very beginning, the most important questions many a gay man will face are whether to come out, to whom, where, when and how. And the answers (if they exist at all) aren't always straightforward or simple.

If you have decided it's time for you to make your presence felt in the gay world, the best bet is to come out to a person or people whom you can trust and with whom you are most comfortable. However, no matter how open the person or people are, expect a little resistance as your sexual orientation will never be an easy topic. Their acceptance of your sexuality, like your own, isn't going to happen overnight. So exercise patience and let the revelation sink in. And if they choose not to focus on the courage it takes to come out but rather on the impact of the news on their lives, they're not the family/friends you think they are.

Not surprisingly, while gay men in Asia tend to come out to close friends who may or may not be PLUs, most avoid doing so to their families. This is because in highly conservative Asian societies, sons are expected to carry on the family name, as well as to go forth and procreate. Given this traditional mindset, coming out to one's family often entails facing the very real possibility of being shunned at the reunion dinner, written out of the will or in the worst case scenario, disowned and thrown out of the family home.

Whoever you choose to come out to, you should be prepared that your revelation is bound to spark more than a few questions. Be prepared to defend your ground against suggestions or accusations that your homosexuality is "just a passing phase" or that gay men are promiscuous health-risks waiting to happen. Stand firm and show through your conviction that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of.

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And in almost all cases, gay men would rather burn their Ricky Martin posters than come out at the workplace, especially in Asia where homophobia still thrives and there are no existing laws or regulations against gay discrimination at work. Hence, unless one works in an industry with a predominant gay workforce (such as the airline and advertising industries), no sane gay man would think of wearing a symbolic red ribbon to work - ever.

Then is the question of when to come out. While some may relish bursting out of their closets, the majority of gay men don't go directly from their first time to becoming the home-coming Queen in the local Gay Pride parade. In fact, it is not uncommon for years to pass between a guy's first gay encounter and the eventual disclosure to family and friends that his "roommate" doesn't really sleep on the sofa bed.

The answer to above question is really simple: come out only when you're ready. Don't let friends or lovers pressure you into coming out to your family or to society at large before you are ready to make the move. The decision whether to go public becomes one of assessing your situation and balancing your own peace of mind against the risk of potential negative reactions. In the long run, it's a very personal decision, and one which others should respect. So never be bullied into coming out until you're ready.

When that time comes, there are a variety of ways to break the news, from a candid conversation to a heartfelt letter to dropping subtle hints to writing an article like this (Yes, Mom and Dad, it's true). While the methods are endless, it always pays to exercise tact and subtlety when coming out. In other words, don't rock your world by going out one night togged up like Boy George, leaving a stack of incriminating pictures of yourself and your lover on the coffee table or walking around in a pink bathrobe with Sistah! Embroidered on the back. And never volunteer unnecessary information such as "It really doesn't hurt that much" or "Wait till you see me do Diana Ross!" unless it is your aim to alienate your friends, induce fainting spells in your mother or reduce your father into a weeping mess.

In most cases, the transformation from a former "straight" guy to a rabid card-carrying member of the Jeff Stryker Fan Club isn't always easy, and gay men can expect to experience a few bumps (and humps) along the way. However, there a few tried and tested methods one could adopt to ease the transition out of the closet:

a) Find the local gay hotline and call it.
b) Find out where gay people go and drop by.
c) Talk to a gay friend or close sibling/family member you can trust.
d) Volunteer at the local gay charity.
e) Rent The Birdcage, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert and The Wedding Banquet and commit them to memory.

If and when you are ready to come out, don't be shy. You'd be pleasantly surprised at how much company you have. And although coming out may have its drawbacks, they tend pale in comparison to the complications associated with life in the restrictive closet.

Just remember, if there is one cardinal rule which all new homos out and about must follow it's this: Never do anything stupid. While it may be part of your plan to get that hunk into your pants by acting as if you're incapacitated by drink or be totally borne away by your moment-in-heat, never forget to exercise your good judgement

Always practice safe sex and remember, you are not alone.

Now, welcome to the family.