This week, a gay HR Professional from Bombay, a lesbian from Singapore and a gay Editor from KL, Malaysia share their coming of age and coming out experiences. We will continue to publish these stories throughout the month as we receive them.
Editor's note: Their accounts have been minimally edited.
Name: Aqshay
Age: 32
Sexual orientation: Gay
Occupation: HR Professional
City/Country of Residence: Singapore
City/Country where you attended school: Bombay/ India
being gay in school:
I am one of those people who feel he has always been gay. As far back as I remember, I have liked men, but the desire to have sex with them started when I was 11. Being myself in school meant always being seen with pretty nice boys, teased for being a sissy and not manly enough, lusting after my male tutors and not knowing why, being with a lot of girlfriends all the time, I guess a lot of you will identify with this. I remember being sad at not being asked to play the female lead or any female character for that matter. What I regret not doing in school was sex. The only reason I will ever go back to school is to do all those lovely hunks who teased me...as now I really know what they were after.
Realising the fact that I liked men as an Indian teen in the early 80's was different. I didn't have any real gay friends except for all those men who really weren't' gay but who were doing 'it' just to satisfy 'my need's', or were so called 'bisexual', and so like them I thought I had this desire for men but would have to eventually get married and settle to a life of 'heterosexual family bliss'.
Luckily for me I outgrew my neighbourhood and all the available men there and was forced to seek richer pastures. I met new people and one such person who changed the way I look at being gay is a very close and dear friend of mine. He showed me that being and Indian gay u can still be single, heterosexual marriage is not the only conclusion you must have and there is a new undiscovered world out there and yes I was not the only one with the 'problem.'
coming out to friends:
During my university days I had a close buddy who some would refer to a 'Greek god'. Perfect bod, great features and that shy 'not so aware of his good looks' charm. We grew so close to each other that often he referred to me as his lover, which made me both happy and worried. I used to worry if he ever knew about my sexual orientation would he accept me as his friend or would it change it.
One day towards my second year mid semester I told him of one of my gay escapades while we were watching a basketball match. For the next 5 minutes we sat in cold silence before he got up and walked away without uttering a single sentence. The next day as I entered university I was approached by another friend who told me he had heard some shocking news about me, I know I was in for trouble. He told me that my 'Greek god' had told all our friends that I was gay, but they refused to believe him but they needed an answer from me.
I was stunned but asked my friend what did he think about me and he said that no one would believe it and it couldn't be and so I left it at that. After that day my 'Greek god' and I never spoke nor acknowledged each other. He went on to do a Bollywood movie which never saw the light of the day, and I often wonder what went on in his mind that changed his feelings towards me so drastically.
Today I am out to a few heterosexual people but I choose them carefully and look for those who have an understanding and open mind. Often colleagues or acquaintances pose the question to me too and depending on the kind of person I will reveal my sexual orientation to them. Sometimes we are faced by those 'kiasu' personalities or those who just want to know so that they have an extra piece of hot gossip for the mills, those are the one whom I am most rude to. One such 'aunty' got stunned when I counter question her by saying, "depends if you want me to fuck you or your husband..."
coming out to family:
I did not have to come out to my family, they just knew. My mother was one smart gal, one small mistake here and one there and she knew exactly what was the score. I am thankful to them that they never forced me to change nor did they support me being gay. They would often offer support me in 'kicking the habit' and often argued against it with religious leanings!
Though coming from a very middle class Indian house my parents were still very modern in the way they bought up their children, we always discussed the issue, which often resulted in tears but we both fought hard to have our views heard and accepted. My parents main concern was that being gay was unnatural and that it went against the teachings of nature and religion. But as I got older and hopefully more responsible personally and professionally they sort of accepted me the way I was as long as I didn't shove my lifestyle in their faces.
first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
Bollywood always managed to house all my childhood crushes from Mithun Chakraborthy and Govinda to Sunny Deol. As you grow older crushes turn into relationships and relationships into lifestyles. Like most people I have always wanted to have a regular companion but like most people I know that this doesn't happen overnight. Today I am in a relationship for the past four and a half years and have changed as a person.
A relationship is all about compromise and unless you r willing to do that there can be no relationship. Growing up I always wanted to model my relationships like those I observed around me, but progressing from one relationship to another I realised that all relationships like the individuals in them are totally different. Today the cornerstones of my relationship is trust, friendship, love and of course sex. People often say that the sexual attraction doesn't last, but I guess its all a matter of prioritising what is important for us.
Often I get up with my head all muddled up and tired from the big day that faces me, its in situations like these that I do not see love and I see a man lying next to me with shaggy hair and an imperfect body and too thin and... the list goes on. When I come to these crossroads in my life I ask myself one question, when will my quest for the perfect man end, I could go on till I am 50 and still be searching after my 20th serious relationship or I could look at the man lying besides me and say he is not exactly what I am looking for but he knows how to love me, he knows when I am sad and he is always there for me and as for the sex.... its all a state of mind. Elementary my dear Watson, I hear you say but I know its not so easy and I respect those looking for love in ways only they can. All I can say is that love is out there for all of us it's just a matter of looking.
Name: Antoinette
Age: 25
Sexual orientation: Lesbian
Occupation: Self-Employed
City/Country of Residence: Singapore
City/Country where you attended school: Singapore/Australia
being gay in school:
For the most part, I was scared, and went through 7 years of being stuck in the suffocating darkness of the closet. I remember always having to disguise my attraction to other girls as a form of idol-worship, or else turning that attraction into a deep-seated hatred of someone I felt I could not and would never have. I always felt I had to prove myself and because I didn't seem to possess those feminine wiles or that urge to go out and be chased by boys, I chose instead to cringe into a tight ball in the glaring darkness of my closet, with my books and my music for my only true companions.
coming out to yourself:
Her name was XXX, and she was the reason I finally decided to be true to myself. After a fight with another girl at school as a result of being rejected, I looked to XXX for some sense of what was going on. One thing that she told me really hit me square in the face, " You have to figure out for yourself what's wrong, then sort out the answer. No one else has the answer except you. You just need to face yourself for once..." The walls of the closet were depriving my brain of oxygen, and I realised then that I needed very badly to get out. Going overseas to study in 1998 in a more liberated environment helped me to somehow get out of the closet. It opened my eyes to the possibilities, to the fresh air outside the closet that could invoke an almost euphoric state of bliss. To be able to love without fear.
coming out to friends:
Coming out during my Pre-University years turned out to be harsh. No one was prepared. When my friendship with XXX waned, I found that I could no longer develop a friendship with the other girls around me. They just seemed to give off this stink of not wanting to get too close. Except for a couple of other girls who seemed nice enough but still kept their distance, the rest shunned me. For a while, I contemplated going back into the closet, but it was too late for me.
So far, most of my friends nowadays are aware of my sexual orientation. Most of my friends are straight people who date people of the opposite sex. For the last 4 years I have made it a point to ensure that if a person really wants to be friends with me, then he/she would have to know that side of me. No, I wouldn't go shoving the fact down their throats, but instead give them time to understand me as a person before I slowly and steadily reveal the truth to them. I have lost 'friends' who could not accept my lifestyle as it is now, but I have gained an even better quality of friends for who I am now.
coming out to family:
I first came out as a bisexual to my parents when I was in Pre-University. But the only word they seemed to hear in 'bisexual' was 'lesbian.' My dad was shocked, but gradually seemed to forget the incident. My mum, however, never forgot, and she never let me forget how it had hurt her to learn the truth. In mid-2000, after 5 years of subtly trying to pry out the truth about whether I have changed since my last coming-out session, my mother finally learned the truth. While it was a very hard and painful thing to do, finally coming out as a lesbian to my mother was something I felt that she deserved. I could not keep her hanging and wondering any longer, and she was just hurting with all that waiting and wondering. And so I told her.
My mother was never so relieved than she was then. It turned out that that was all she needed to know from me. She did, however, make me promise to keep it from my father. My family is a complex one - small yet so full of hurt that all it takes is a small firecracker to break us up. My mother figured that telling my father would open up too many cans of worms. And so I am still halfway out of the closet. One foot in and one foot out, but at least I'm finally breathing fresh air, and although it still lingers at the back of my mind, the closet I stayed hidden in for almost 9 years is something I wouldn't want to go back to. There's too much fresh air out in the world.
first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
My first crush was with A, when I was 9. She was the most beautiful angel I'd ever seen then. Half Irish and half Chinese, A would be the foundation for my attraction to women of the Western world. I think that the only person I truly loved for the first time was the one person I never got into a relationship with. Her name was P, and we met at my campus when I was attending University overseas. Beautiful, talented and bisexual, P was someone I slowly grew to love, despite her imperfections. To me, she was perfect in all her imperfections.
One day, after a drunken night of female bonding at my house (she often came over, but nothing ever happened), I told P that I loved her. The next morning, as I watched her walking to her car, something in me told me that that would be the last time I ever saw her again. I never saw P again. Sometimes I still think about her, and wonder what I could say to her, the questions I would ask her. But then again, when I think about it, sometimes some things better left unsaid. So I have chosen to leave this love as just that - my first love.
Name: Ikram Khasim
Age: 24
Sexual orientation: Gay
Occupation: Editor
City/Country of Residence: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
City/Country where you attended school: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
being gay in school:
I used to play jump rope with girls in school. I had virtually no guy friends and the fact didn't really bother me. It was not until I had male "playmates" that I realized that I was teased and called a sissy behind my back just because I didn't hang out with the guys. I remember at one time a cafeteria worker offered me a free drink because I was sharing one with a girl friend. Since then, I started to wonder if girls really had cooties.
It's weird looking back, but I never came out to myself until I was studying in the US for my Bachelor's. Before that, in community college, I had entertained the idea that I may have a tendency to like guys. I mean, why else would my dick get hard only when I see the male actor in a straight porn flick? Then I thought it was just the "phase" thing, which later on led me to believe that I was bisexual. That's hilarious though, since I never fucked a girl in my life. The revelation came only after my pilgrimage to the gay Mecca of San Francisco: Castro. There everything was normal: guys kissing in the streets, guys holding hands walking, and everyone having a gay old time. I realized that I, too, might be normal.
coming out to friends:
Coming out to friends wasn't really that difficult. "Like your coming out to me is going to send me to the Catholic confessional tomorrow", one said, apparently not the least impressed with my newfound sexuality. Others never really said much about it, especially the ones in Malaysia. It's like they never heard what I told themsome even backed away I guess. Proves to show they weren't real friends to begin with.
coming out to family:
I took the easiest route when coming out to my parents. Yep, you guessed it - I emailed them (they were halfway across the world anyway). Mom called me soon after, sounding like she had just finished bawling her eyes out and wondering what she did wrong in raising me. Surprisingly, she told me that she knows that there are "people like me" and that I shouldn't be afraid of coming back to live in Malaysia. She also added that the news "won't get out of the family". I didn't know if she wanted to protect my "secret" or avoid humiliation by saying that. My dad, on the other hand, was in total denial (and still is). He once told me that he knows that "I'm not that kind of person" and that unlike guys, a girl would "stay forever" with me.
first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
I had a psycho roommate who had a desperate crush on me. He followed me through most of college - sharing rooms, and taking the exact classes that I did. I liked him when he wasn't foaming at the mouth, but he was far from being my type. I tried online dating a few times and found this tiny Vietnamese guy. He had the classic pencil dick and wanted to fuck me. I stifled a laugh and gave in, drumming my fingers until it was over. I found my first love in college and we lived together for two years. Then I cheated on him and shit hit the fan. Hey, I never said I was perfect.
Name: Angelboy
Age: 23
Sexual orientation: FTM
Occupation: Advertising
City/Country of Residence: Singapore
City/Country where you attended school: Singapore and Melbourne, Australia
being gay in school:
Let's start with youth. Of course I'm different. I look and behave so different my secondary school principal took note of me. But she is a kind woman. Strict hand with a soft heart. My school, even being an all girls' school (non-convent), was as straight as an arrow. Perhaps there are girls who are curious to know what it feels like to be with a girl, and there are girls who are attracted to girls secretly. My generation is a treasure of hidden desires. Out in the open discrimination is little, unless you are as stupid as me who confessed to the first girl I had a crush on in Primary 5 about getting together.
coming out to yourself:
I'm an FTM, a male trapped in a female's body. For as long as I can remember, since a young toddler, I've believed myself to be a boy, never a girl. So liking and eventually falling in love with girls are as normal as the sexual desires of a heterosexual man. Self-discovery? Puberty. With breasts. With female organs.
I "covered up" by being a lesbian, a butch. A label that put me in place with the gay and lesbian community. Accepted but a label I loathe and hate. I'm gay-friendly but I don't like to be reckoned gay. That is a difference. But I'm stuck in-between. To the straight world, the homosexual community is a tolerance. Not living side-by-side, but a tolerance like racial harmony. Within the community, transsexuals are the tolerance. We fall on neither sides but annoyingly; we fall in an overlapping circle. We never have to come out to ourselves; we know it from the beginning. We are the grays that are closer to being white or black. But never the middle.
coming out to friends:
When you have friends that you call friends, not people you just met, but people you have developed friendships with for at least a year and longer, they accept you for everything you are. Of course chances are, at first, they never quite know your sexuality. Suspicion, but it doesn't create any ripples in the friendship. Some old friends have mistaken me as a boy in the beginning, I've been asked to attend church by a few devoted Christian friends who had good kind intentions, and I've been questioned about the future of having a gay lifestyle.
"What about marriage? What about being a parent? Is it going to be permanent?" But never have I faced with friends, mind you straight friends, who turned their backs on me once I told them about my sexuality. Instead, we either become closer or I get into a relationship with one of them. Again, I'm lucky. My circle of friends consists mostly of straights, more than gays and lesbians. If you asked around, I believe it is the same case for many homosexuals. Maybe the world is changing for the better; maybe the community has become a more social and lively part of society, more integrated than before.
Maybe it's just that we have more curious people around. Or maybe, I happen to be breathing in the right environment. I seem to get asked a lot about the community's lifestyles, hangouts and having straight friends turn bisexual or even gay and lesbian. Surprise surprise. I'm not an influencing factor, but perhaps they started to discover themselves more through me. I hope that is a good thing. I even have some cheeky straight friends who want to 'work things out' with me. If this is an ode to my friends, I just want to say one thing- thank the wonderful people who share supportive moments, growing up and going through life with me, thank you my friends, even when I'm away from homeland to bother keeping in touch with me and even visiting me.
coming out to family:
Asian gays and lesbians have one thing in common: we can never be upfront with our parents about our sexuality. I've discovered that if we can't communicate through talking, we write letters. That probably accounts for my penmanship. I've always felt that my parents knew about my sexuality, suspect at least. My mum's forever nagging me about my dress sense anyway. One fine Saturday morning after turning 21, and after being discovered banging my girlfriend in my room loudly, I wrote them a letter after they left for work. In it, I begged to be accepted, I asked for support and I laid down all my cards, reasons for who I am and what I am. And then I left for an afternoon with my girlfriend. I returned at night to a quiet house except for some noisy pets and my mum's whirling washing machine.
I expected my father to be in an uproar, given his hot temper and hard hand at discipline. He was serious and grave, and spoke to me about how difficult my future will be, about society's treatment and taboo of being gay. I went to my mum. She was hysterical. Between washing dirty clothes and crying and screaming, I couldn't get a word in. I saw the pain and disappointment that I caused in their eyes, I heard the unforgiving words of anguish and despair, and my heart crumbled wearily and sadly inside. I understood their feelings of betrayal, I was surprised they never knew or had denied their instincts and I was sad they are closer to giving up on me. Because I had opened up my sexuality to them, my character in their eyes has changed. I wasn't the same child that sat at their dinner table the day before.
It will never be an easy journey for all family members to travel together, knowing that one small fact changes the perspective of everything. But! I realise and I hope I made them realise that it wasn't their fault or anybody else's; I was just fighting for a piece of happiness in my life. The afternoon I went out with my girlfriend, I bought a book for them from Borders. It was written by Betty Degeneres, Ellen's mum and wrote her story of acceptance and love for her gay child. I thought it would help ease the pain and fuel some understanding. Until today, 2 years later, it remains unwrapped, sitting at my parent's living room table. I know it's so hard for them but I remain optimistic and hopeful that someday my folks will take that simple first step of acceptance.
first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
Aahh... where will we be if not for love. Probably a lot happier and a lot sadder in different cases. Oh well, there's a first time for everything. I won't talk much about my first crush except that she broke my young untrained thirteen year old heart that had longed for her at a tender age of 10. I don't know where she is at this point in time, probably with some guy as she had then put it down to me bluntly that she's boy-crazy. When it comes to first love, it's very sweet, intense, passionate, wet kisses, true and special. It will always remain in the heart locked away because it's so hard talking about the break-up. The ironical thing is how 2 people can share so much but yet grow out of each other and becoming opposites. Maybe that is the special part of first love. It'll always be remembered because it makes us feel the most and because you know that when you look back, it's the first memory of experiencing what was love.
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