Fridae

Dear Fridae,

I have been seeing this guy, Stan, who answered the personal ad I posted on a local gay website. Since then, we have spoken over the phone almost every night and met up at deserted swimming pools a couple of times for some innocent chlorinated frolicking.

The problem, Fridae, is that Stan is straight as an arrow. He is married with two kids and is an officer in the airforce. I have known that he is straight all along and have never gone beyond mild flirtation and a bit of groping here and there.

That is until recently.

During one of our innocent sessions at the pools, Stan confessed that he has fallen in love (or in lust) with me. Since then, he has been getting increasing forward when expressing his love and sexual desires (usually involving the two of us getting it on).

To be frightfully honest, I have fantasized about this moment for a long time and have often wondered what it would be like doing the horizontal tango with him in bed.

However, I have my reservations about the whole thing and I really need your expert advice on the following matters: What are straight men turned on by in bed? What should I wear when we meet up for our little rendevous? And last but not least, should I shave my hairy legs to make myself more feminine and hence more appealing to straight Stan?

Eternally grateful for your help,
Can't Help Falling


Dear Can't Help Falling,

If you ask me (and you did), you are either Osama Bin Laden's father in your past life and you're now undergoing retribution hell; an unrepentant glutton for punishment; or a certified wackadoo.

It is a well-known and well-heeded taboo in the gay circle that getting involved with straight guys could only lead to hankie-wringing heartbreak and widespread devastation not seen since the movie Deep Impact.

If you choose not to heed the warnings of many a stung sisters (as is painfully obvious in your case), be prepared to fork out a fortune on Kleenex and therapy sessions further down the road.
But despite my accusatory finger wagging and tsk-tsk-ing, my compassion does go out to you for your inevitable heartbreak. It is therefore my sincere hope that you would snap out of the stupor you find yourself in after you have read and digested my ever-mindful answers to your desperate queries.

Clueless Question 1: What are straight men turned on by in bed?

The obvious answer would be WOMEN! WOMEN! WOMEN! (My apologies, but I just had to get that out of my usually sanguine system). No matter how skilled you are in the deceptive arts of drag and however much you are convinced that you are a woman's soul trapped in a man's body, you will never be able to achieve the level of womanhood your straight man desires. Unless you are Jaye Davidson in The Crying Game, you will more likely end up on the late-night talk show circuit with a caption under your face that reads "Not Woman Enough For A Straight Man."

---

Still, if you insist on making love with your straight sweetheart - just remember not to lay down all your cards on the table. Always leave a few tricks in your pocket (such as how to put a condom on with just your tongue or how to do a Divine Brown while taking the public transport etc.) so that he'll be curious enough for another tumble in the gay hay.

Clueless Question 2: What should you wear for your rendevous?

Much as it risks my revered standing with the fashionista gay crowd, the truth is - it really doesn't matter. Trust me. Straight men are generally devoid of any taste in fashion anyway. So you can forget about putting on that fierce Dior beaded evening dress because a clothed you would be the last thing on his heterosexist mind.

Having said that, you should NEVER wear your favorite designer outfit for the upcoming tryst. If he dumps you after that one sad session, you'll always associate the outfit with the failed affair and never wear it again.

Worse, you'll probably end up burning it in some pagan purging ritual which, if you ask me, is one of worst things any gay man could commit since men may come and go but a fashionable wardrobe will always remain with you (and I'm channeling Donatella Versace here).

Clueless Question 3: Should you or should you not wax your legs?

While some gay men would enjoy running their fingers through your lush and follically enhanced legs, leave no doubt that straight men are nothing like that.

Nothing turns a straight man weaned on Ms Universe contests off more quickly than two hairy legs in a bed (however shapely they might be). Since leg waxing is an ordeal that no gay men should submit themselves to (and I say this based on hearsay and not on personal experience mind you), this writer could only leave it to your masochistic self to decide if you wish to torture yourself just achieve that hairless Vegas showgirl appearance to please your straight studmuffin.

Now the only question you have neglected to ask is if you should even go ahead with your sexual tryst with Stan. The reason, if my Nancy Drew honed instincts prove true, is that you have already decided (against all reason) to go ahead.

Just remember not to come crying to yours truly when your straight seducteur dumps you and you spend the next few weeks dressed in widow black for that forlorn effect and cooped up at home listening to Julie Cruise's wrist-slashing music.

Because I'll be too busy enjoying myself in the company of millions of charming and caring GAY men - many of whom are still single and VERY available.


Ever so sympathetically,
Alvin Tan