Fridae

"Actually, I really want to play Princess Leia. Stick some big pastries on my head. Now that would be interesting."

If my therapist is to be believed, I was never a normal child.

For that, I blame George Lucas and his Star Wars trilogy.

Or more specifically, I blame Princess Leia Organa.

When my pre-pubescent eyes first alighted upon the young Carrie Fisher in her maiden role as the feisty Princess in Star Wars: A New Hope way back in 1977 (yes, I am that old), I was utterly besotted.

My sole reason for idolizing Princess Leia was simple enough: I wanted to be her simply because I wanted to play with Luke Skywalker's "light-saber" and sleep with Han Solo.

Many an after-school afternoon was thus spent with yours truly scouring the toy departments for Princess Leia merchandise with more fervor than a pack of Jehovah Witnesses put together, and many a childhood hour lost as yours truly dreamt up alien landscapes as my Princess Leia action figures embarked on their sexpeditions.

Perhaps my obsession with Princess Leia was already an indication of my latent fabulous self which had yet to find full expression. Indeed, while my incurably heterosexual brother would don a cheap stormtrooper's plastic mask and imagine himself to be a foot-soldier of the Empire, I would put my budding accessorizing skills to good use and produce an exact replica of her costume using only white bedsheets, a terry-clothed towel for my cowl and of course, my unsuspecting mother's black brasserie for her infamous Double Bun do.

And as my stormtrooper brother embarked on a rampage through the house firing his blaster at imaginary enemies, I would exhibit the decorum befitting the royal family of Alderaan and float around keening: "Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." (What can I say? My dramatic range was apparent even then).

To this day, I remain convinced that my mother's blood-draining reaction was the result of my uncanny ability to play the Princess to perfection rather than anything else.

While some staunch gay men may argue that the snooty servant droid C3PO would make a better role-model since he is about the only "out" character (that skin-tight gold outfit is a dead giveaway), I would beg to differ. With his effete mannerisms, perpetual high-pitched whine, fear of physical combat and blind subservience to "Master Luke", C3PO propagated the worst stereotypical images of what gay men are like and how they are "expected" to behave.

In contrast, our dear Princess belongs to a higher plane altogether.

Born to Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala, Leia was a set of twins (the other being Luke) protected from the evil Emperor by Jedi-Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and raised by Kenobi's friend Bail Organa in Alderaan.

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Detractors of Princess Leia (all two of them in this universe) may of course argue that as a character, she contributes nothing in the greater scheme of things except to plead for help, throw hissy fits and endanger her rescuers' lives by leading them into a gigantic garbage compactor.

But for this writer, she has more than redeemed herself as the plot unfolds with each Star Wars installment. In the course of three movies, she was a leader in the Alliance to restore the Republic, a former member of the Imperial Senate, a member of the royal family of Alderaan, the Force-sensitive daughter of the diabolic Darth Vader and of course, wife to Han Solo.

What's more, she had some of the best and most memorable lines in entire Star Wars trilogy - whether she was insulting Governor Tarkin ("I recognized your foul stench when I came aboard."), putting down Luke Skywalker and Chewbecca ("Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" and "Will someone get this walking carpet out of my way?" respectively), or exchanging razor-sharp quips with Han Solo ("I don't know here you get your delusions, laser brains.") - Princess Leia is simply in a class of her own.

In my personal opinion, her breakthrough movie must surely be Return Of The Jedi - for who could forget her gender-bending turn as the deadly bounty hunter Boussh? Under the guise of the Ubese bounty hunter, she successfully infiltrated the palace of Jabba The Hutt and freed Han Solo from his carbonite imprisonment.

Although the attempt resulted in her capture by Jabba The Gigantic Bloated Scrotum, who could forget that fabulous slave-girl outfit of hers? The only difference is that while heterosexual fanboys all over the world were gawking at her miniscule outfit, gay men everywhere were busy committing to memory the details of her costume so that they could parade similar home-made versions at gay Halloween parties.

In fact, Princess Leia and her slave outfit recently found their way into popular culture in an episode of Friends aptly entitled "The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy". In that episode, the usually staid Ross confessed to having a fetish for Princess Leia and her "gold bikini thing" while Phoebe spoke for an entire generation with the line: "Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, every guy our age loved that."

Thus while the younger generations of homos amongst us may fervently aspire to be
Queen Amidala, those of us belonging to the baby boomer generation had a much better choice.

For while the Queen of Naboo (that paedophile!) had to content herself with the younger and morose Hayden Christensen (Anakin Skywalker) for her love interest, Princess Leia had it better with intergalactic stud-muffins such as Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker) and Harrison Ford (Han Solo).

Thus as the Star Wars saga continues to unfold in a galaxy far far away, let us all reminisce about the impact Princess Leia had on our otherwise dreary lives and pay tribute to the greatest of all screen heroines in our own unique way. For myself, I will be preparing for my grand appearance at the much-anticipated Attack Of The Clones premiere in my most fetching Bespin outfit with my partner as Han Solo in tow.

So until Mace Windu decides to make a play for Obi-Wan with his purple light-saber, may the Force be with you!