Fridae

We all know the gay life is not, pardon the clich�, a bed of roses. Being gay can be traumatic in itself, let alone carving out a life that is both satisfying and in resonance with one's ideals. So for most gay people, in-laws are the least of their problems.

However, if one does get lucky and manages to "settle down", the prospect of dealing with one's in-laws would certainly arise. And if you are especially unlucky and get the In-Laws from Hell (cymbals clanging ominously in the background), you have a real problem on your hands.

In Singapore, it is almost impossible to avoid your better half's parents completely. Just swinging your tote bag (Prada of course) on Orchard Road would knock over at least two of your relatives, not to mention the next-door neighbour. So there is no escape, especially if you have to stay over at each other's rooms for a chance to get intimate.

So how should a gay couple deal with their in-laws?

For the fortunate few, having in-laws are not a hurdle at all. If a couple stays on their own, for example, they may not even run into their respective in-laws, let alone having run-ins with them.

Or by some lucky stroke, the parents could be so understanding and accepting that mixing around with them is a blast. Just like Vince's mother in the Queer as Folk series (or Mike's in the American version) - warm, proud and protective. In fact, the only danger from these "in-laws from hell" is being smothered with too much care and attention - they would move right in if you had allowed them to and iron your clothes, wash your bathroom, clean your double-ended dildos etc. Ok, maybe not the dildos but you get the idea.

Before we think about how to handle the "in-laws from hell", let us first acquaint ourselves with the various forms these tormentors could take. A search of the Internet reveals that there is no real classification of such people, which is surprising considering that there must have been in-law problems right from the start when Eve first found wives for Cain and Abel. But I think we have all heard enough horror stories ourselves to do a simplistic categorisation of our own.

In many ways, we can take our cue from the straight and narrow about in-laws. Remember how we wished a death of a thousand cuts upon the evil mother-in-law in late-night weepies showing for the umpteenth time? And remember how we cried with the heroine as she toiled in vain, hair in disarray and lips and hands chapped to bleeding, to win the love of her frigid mother-in-law?

---

In fact, being gay makes no real difference - our probability of landing the Wicked Witch of the East as our mother-in-law is just as high. It's just that gay people are far less likely to take the deftly calculated harsh word and well-aimed cold stare like meek lambs - we are too darn bitchy and sarcastic ourselves to take it lying down!

But I digress. For a start, let us confine ourselves to three arch-types.

First, of course, we have the bitch we all love to hate - the one who appears in all the best movies involving daughter-in-laws suffering indescribable abuse. She is typically immaculate in appearance, big hairdo with nary a hair out of place and nails painted appropriately red. She can actually be quite civil, glamorous even but watch the transformation as she becomes in your in-law.

Though you are not likely to be made to scrub the floor and sleep by the hearth (imagine the damage to our Gucci slacks and delicate skin), the shrill voice, deep sarcasm and frosty expression can still wound. And sometimes, it's enough to send us scurrying back to the bars and back alleys to look for Mr. Not-So-Right with both parents preferably dead.

Often, it is not as if she behaves so poorly because she is affronted by our gay-ness - she is just a plain old bitch! Even Mother Teresa would have been faulted, so let alone dysfunctional screaming queens. Gay or not, we are just prime feed for her inner hate.

Moving along, we have of course the homophobic in-laws. For all the growing sense of liberty in Singapore, I dare say that this type is likely to be the in-law problem for most.

Unlike the afore-reviled Queen Bitch, the homophobic parents-in-laws are usually decent people. They are a-okay on every score except for the fact that they simply cannot accept you because you are the same sex as their own child.

They may not be unduly harsh and could even be courteous but by holding back their recognition and acceptance, they make life hell because you would have as much standing in the family as the hallway carpet. Except that they probably would not clean their Ferragamos off you for sheer fear of contact.

---

Lastly, we face Mr and Mrs It's-All-Your-Fault. Simply put, with these infernal creatures, you are the one to be blamed for everything wrong with their child. Yes, on top of your own problems, you are now burdened with being the Lolita of the gay world, seducing and entrapping a decent (and straight of course) person into committing such shameful acts.

Though we know this could not be further from the truth (their own child probably being Mr Casanova himself), this is how they perceive it and as such, this is how you will be treated. You are a bad, bad boy (not to be construed as a prelude to a delightful spanking session) and you will be struck by lightning sometime soon.

So what do we do? How are we to find time and energy amongst our gym, yoga and facial sessions to even think about the problem, let alone find a solution?

One of the easiest paths is avoidance. Just pretend that you are Fagin and your loved one is Oliver Twist - orphaned and in need of guidance only from you. It is easier if you do not have to be placed in potentially dangerous situations like (shudder) the reunion dinner. However, living in Singapore can make zero contact with in-laws (hellish or not) near impossible.

Looking on the bright side, getting together with the family may not necessarily be bad if you could just avoid talking about anything remotely relating to your "special friendship". And don't even think about creating a bogus girlfriend for the sake of appearances. Keep it neatly circumscribed and leave those sequins at home.

However, if you have the courage of Hercules, there is always the option of thinking and talking things through, and of course, compromising. Sometimes parents have better sense than we give them credit for and one can be surprised by how open they turn out to be.

Of course, there will be the few stubborn old gits who rue the day you were born (I did say courage is essential). But by and large, this seemingly drastic course of action is probably necessary for long term stability - for one could hardly claim "special friendship" 10-20 years down the road. Nobody is that stupid or ignorant.

So, like it or not, in-laws are here to stay with us. Since they are undoubtedly important to the ones we love, a little understanding and tolerance on all sides will go a long way in making life easier.

And if your in-laws are truly from hell, and you cannot avoid them short of emigrating or committing murder, do the sensible thing - dump the boyfriend and walk away.