Fridae

I must confess that I am no artless ing�nue when it comes to one-night stands. Indeed, if I were to draw a personal one-night stand family tree, I would probably end up with the graphical equivalent of the Amazon rainforest.

Like many a gay man, my first forays into homo-land had been characterised by quite a number of forgettable (and unforgettable) one-night stands. In fact, my first few one-night stand encounters were similar to an infant's discovery of his genitals - I thought I had discovered something new and I just could not stop playing with it. Thankfully, I've since weaned myself off the habit after settling down into domestic bliss.

Personal anecdote aside, whether you are a virgin on your first outing or an old hand at the game, there are some bedside manners that you should take note of if you wish to make your momentary man feel like the luckiest man in the entire gaydom (sexual skills notwithstanding).

Rule No. 1
Before you open yourself (both literally and figuratively) to the experience that is the one-night stand, always remember to clean yourself thoroughly. The ideal situation would be to take a shower together or soak in the jacuzzi prior to sex. If that is not possible, always take a deep cleansing shower before you hit the cruise circuit and really get into all those little nooks and crannies. Proper personal hygiene is essential if you want your one-night stand to enjoy giving you a tingling tongue-lashing session. There's nothing more effective in turning a hard man flaccid during intercourse than catching a whiff of your odor that reminds him of an orangutan's unwashed behind. Having said that, remember to go easy when splashing on your favourite body scent, you really don't want your nightrider to die of cologne poisoning in the middle of a sexual tryst.

Rule No. 2
While personal hygiene is important, there's one particular area of our body that we should pay extra attention to - our mouth. Severe bad breath or halitosis can easily stop your penis pursuer dead in his tracks. Surely you don't want to initiate a passionate lip-lock only to watch your victim gag and excuse himself to go to the bathroom to wash out the taste. Always bring along a mouth spray or extra-strong mints to get rid of bad breath or that awful beer-cigarette-combination-breath. And remember to moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Chapped lips are not only unappealing but a cause of unwanted friction when you are doing a Divine Brown.

Rule No. 3
Where one-night stands are concerned, it always pays to be the courteous cocksman. If you are taking your one-night stand home, it is basic courtesy to make sure your place is clean and tidy - having soiled underwear or stacks of porn on your bed is not a sexual mood enhancer. If you are being invited home, be courteous to his roommate, cat or even house plant, and tell him much up you like the way he does up his place (whether you do or not is not the question here). Do not search for signs of a lover when he leaves the room or go through his belongings as if you are one of Charlie's Angels on an undercover mission. Most importantly, refrain from screaming "Is that all?!" when your choice of a night fling fails to "measure" up in the size department.

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Rule No. 4
Be ready to admit if your choice of a one-night stand turns out to be the wrong one. There are two scenarios to this perennial problem: under the bright unforgiving fluorescent light of his kitchen, you realize that his looks had been greatly enhanced by the cosmetic effect of darkness at the club; or in the eternal sexual equation of being either top or bottom (if you're flexible, you can skip this), you realize that you are both tragically playing on the same team. In either case, you have two choices: feign exhaustion and leave; or try to pull a "I don't think I'm ready" faux-naif act and leave. One drink does not commit or obligate you to do anything. You're not that cheap (or are you?).

Rule No. 5
Always insist on wearing protection even if the man you are sharing your sperm with happens to be the lay-man of your dreams. When it comes to one-night stands, it's better to be safe than warty (and I don't want to hear any arguments on this one). STDs are never worth one night of passion. Always bring (and wear) your own protection and insist that your playmate do the same. Since there are gay men who are either too embarrassed to say that they have an infection or aren't aware that they are infected, you can't always rely on their knowledge or honesty. While one-night stands are all about fun, you really really don't want to have to worry about the possible dire consequences come the morning after.

Rule No. 6
Despite what some may say, good behaviour does not end at the moment of ejaculation. Post-sex behaviour is as important as the act itself. Spend the night only if he invites you to. Don't insist and resist if he seems to be rushing you out the door. He may have failed to mention that his lover is due home at any minute. If he invites you to stay over and offers breakfast in the morning, accept only if you're interested in seeing him again. Have a conscience - why should he slave over a hot stove when you probably won't remember his name by early afternoon? And while a thank-you note might be overdoing it, you probably owe him a call (or at least the courtesy of not ignoring him the next time you see him in public). But, don't call him the next day. You don't want to look that desperate.

And there you have it - all the tips that any gay man would probably need to survive a one-night stand and emerge with his reputation and self-image intact. Just one more final tip: whatever you do, never ever fall in love with your one-night stand. There's a perfectly legitimate (and self-explanatory) reason why it's called a one-night stand.