Fridae

"I feel like taking all my clothes off
Dancing to the Rite of Spring
And I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing
I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing."

- Pet Shop Boys, "I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing"

Before my metamorphosis into the tantalising temptress I am today, I used to belong to the timid angora sweater clutching faction who would rather die than expose an inch of flesh when I was at the clubs (or anywhere else in public for that matter). I also used to labour under the misconception that any flesh baring antics on my part would earn me the unflattering title of the village whore in the gay community.

That was until I discovered the wonders of workout stations, creatine, amino acids, hydroxycut and Claudia Schiffer's exercise videos. Since then, I have undergone a radical transformation (I still maintain that I did NOT have plastic surgery) and will not hesitate to do a Hulk Hogan and rip off my top the moment I set foot on the dance-floor.

Fortunately, I am not alone in my brazen behaviour. A trip to any gay club these days can easily be mistaken for an outing to the local abattoir with all the bare upper torsos that are on display. In fact, one can immediately tell the difference between a gay club and a straight club just by the presence of naked gym-sculpted torsos writhing to Kylie in their sweat-encrusted glory.

But before any and every gay men with a penchant for dancing topless are accused of being attention-seeking hussies, permit this writer to offer some explanations (scientific, made-up or otherwise) on why these gay men (myself included) just can't seem to keep their shirts on.

Explanation No. 1: Gay men take off their tops in clubs for practical reasons.
Don't roll your eyes and fall into fits of derisive laughter. This is true. Most gay clubs have temperature readings that would rival an erupting Mt Pinatubo due to poor ventilation and the close proximity of too many homos-in-heat. Short of drenching oneself with jugs of Long Island Tea, going topless at gay clubs is one of the most sensible (and economical) ways to avoid heat stroke and unsightly sweat stains.

Adds self-conferred Podium Queen Benjamin: "I'm a vigorous dancer and I perspire a lot. It only makes sense that I take off my top before I end up resembling a saturated sponge and start spraying everyone else with my sweat."

Explanation No. 2: Gay men are exhibitionists.
In a community where appearance is king (or queen), the modern gay man swears by the adage: "If you've got it, flaunt it." And if you've been slaving away at the gym for the past few months in order to achieve a body that is simply to die for, why hide it under layers of clothes?

According to hardcore clubber Ricky who will never be caught dead wearing a top at clubs: "I've got the figure to justify going topless. Why else would I spend hours at the gym?" Never-seen-with-a-shirt-at-clubs Danny agrees and adds that: "It can be a real ego-booster when you know that everyone at the club is looking at you and your body."

Explanation No. 3: Gay men are competitive.
These gullible few who can, with a straight face, claim that gay men are not competitive have obviously never been backstage to a gay beauty pageant or a Gucci warehouse sale. Even Charles Darwin in his treatise The Descent of Man described sexual competition amongst men as follows: "Man is the rival of other men; he delights in competition."

---

In the homoclubverse, competition between gay men has progressed beyond who can execute the latest Janet Jackson moves to who has the best (insert your most outstanding body part). Gay clubs these days have thus become the fertile competition grounds for the gay body beautiful. And the only way to out-compete your competitors is to take off your shirt and let every one else be the judge.

Explanation No. 4: Gay men dance topless to attract other gay men.
This point should be obvious even to Stevie Wonder. There is no better man-baiting magic than the sight of a well-chiseled torso combined with a set of rock-hard abs. With the high cruise quotient at most gay clubs, it's often the case (shallow as it may sound) that the most attractive gay men with the best bodies would net the most eligible targets for a night of stellar sexperience.

According to George C. Williams' Adaptation and Natural Selection: A Critique of Some Current Evolutionary Thought, the whole concept of male courtship is defined as "the advertisement, by a male, of how fit he is." The need to "show off your wares" is further exacerbated by the unfortunate case of many gay men competing with one another for scarce prime resources. In such a case, taking off one's shirt can be justified on the grounds that it may be the push you need to tip the scales in your favour and ensure your manhunt success.

Explanation No. 5: Gay men find the experience to be liberating.
Finally, gay men take off their tops because they find the experience of dancing bare-bodied to be simultaneously exhilarating and liberating. Unless you happen to be a serial stripper, the feelings of excitement, freedom and nervousness that come dancing topless can provide an added adrenalin rush to the entire clubbing experience.

Moreover, one of the reasons why gay men visit clubs is to enjoy a night out with their partners and/or friends, rid themselves of workday worries and break free of the societal shackles. Losing one's clothes at the clubs can therefore be regarded as the metaphorical "shedding" of one's inhibitions as one discards all the cares in the world for a night of hedonistic partying.

Having said all that, you should always exercise caution and strip with discretion. Do not assume that every gay club is topless-friendly and that every gay clubber would automatically appreciate your attempt to show off your upper body. Always assess the situation and the crowd before you lose your shirt. Similarly, taking off your top in an attempt to net the gay man of your dreams may not work if your intended target happens to be the chairperson of the Ban Nudity In Clubs Committee.

Finally, if you are still plagued with the dilemma of whether "to strip or not to strip", just remember the unspoken rule amongst the many gay men who "dare to bare": "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You." Put yourself in the place of other clubbers and ask yourself (provided you do not suffer from delusions of grandeur) if you would want to see yourself topless. Be honest now.

Or to put it across in even simpler terms: keep your shirt on if your chest bears an uncanny resemblance to David Hasselhorf's sagging papaya tits in Baywatch or if your arms have about as much muscles as a supermodel's anorexic wrist. Conversely, if you have a chest that would turn Hercules green with envy or biceps the size of J Lo's thighs, lose the shirt already.