Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I've known this guy for almost eight months. We clicked and communicate well, and supported each other through some really bad times. We love each other and think of each other almost every minute of the day. Every one looks at us as a couple and we kinda like it. Nothing makes us happier than being with each other.

Unfortunately, I'm NOT what he wants sexually. We did have sex and first few times were really bad. We did get comfortable later because I tried my best to accommodate him and I think he's trying to as well. We are both attractive in our own ways but very different physically. He's my "type" but I'm not his "type."

Do you think my relationship would work? Is physical attraction a very important part of relationship? Can two people remain in love and learn to accept each other's appearance? Do we have a chance?

So In Love Guy

Dear So In Love Guy,

I utterly dislike being the person to cause someone else to fall out of love. Unfortunately, I owe it to Fridae's readers to be brutally honest - however painful that may be.

In most gay mating rituals, the usual pattern involves falling in love (or lust) with the physical person first before sealing that love (or lust) with emotional, mental and sexual compatibility (though not necessarily in that order). In your case, your "relationship" started off on the wrong foot - the physical and sexual attraction is and continues to be one-sided.

So as to whether physical and sexual attraction is important, the answer is "yes" - it's very important. And as to whether there is any chance your relationship will work out for the better - let's just say that that's about as likely as Victoria Beckham scoring a No. 1 hit.

Sorry.

With Sincere Apologies,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

A few months ago an ex-colleague (let's call her Y) of my NOW ex-girlfriend came back into my ex's life. Apparently my ex had had a crush on her when they were still working together. However, at that time, Y was already with someone, so my ex could not actively pursue her.

About one and half months ago, Y made an indecent proposal towards my ex. My ex posed the question to me on the possibility of a threesome - to which I agreed - but only because I wanted her to be happy. Although we did not have the threesome, my ex asked me for a break up after a month of contemplating an open relationship, her reasons being:

1) She didn't want to choose between me and Y; and
2) She wanted to expand her horizons and date other people without feeling guilty.

Now, she is seeing Y - who is single - on and off. Although she claims they are friends, I believe otherwise. I don't know whether to feel cheated, angry or guilty about this. I do know that I am more angry than anything else, but I just don't know whom I should be angry with.

This whole situation has put me off lesbian relationships completely.

Sincerely,
In Total Despair of Myself

Dear In Total Despair,

How should you feel and who should you be angry with? Let's do what FBI agents usually do - flesh out the character profiles and analyse the situation step-by-dainty-step.

Culprit #1: The Ex Girlfriend
Your highfaluting harridan of an ex-girlfriend deserves the bulk of your wrath. She used you as a "default" girlfriend because Y was otherwise "engaged" to someone else. She broke up with you on grounds flimsier than Mariah Carey's string bikini after Y became available. And now she continues to lie to you about her "friendship" with Y. I say club her unconscious, string her up and burn her alive - metaphorically speaking of course.

Culprit #2: The Ex Colleague Y
The devious home-breaker who happens to your ex-girlfriend's ex-colleague should not be let off lightly with just a slap on her hand. She made an "indecent proposal" to your ex-girlfriend knowing full well that she is attached. After causing the break-up between you and your ex-girlfriend, the snake is now dating your ex-girlfriend. I say strip her naked, tie her up with her bra and feed the reptile to the vultures - again metaphorically speaking of course.

Sole Victim: Yourself
You have my utmost sympathy for your traumatic ordeal with the adulterous couple. However, you should not be discouraged nor feel disillusioned with lesbian love. There are many honest and loving Sapphic sisters out there waiting for you to deflower� I mean, get to know better. Do not beat yourself up over what happened. Exercise graciousness and forgive the shameless couple. After all, there's such a thing as karma.

Agent Mulder's Fantasy Partner
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I'm a singleton and while I don't have any problems with one-night-stands, I very much prefer the stability of a committed relationship. However, most of the people who approached me are only interested in sex. Some even asked for "repeat performances." True, I cruise but propositions keep on coming even when I'm not in "slut mode!"

Some people have noted that I'm very extroverted, even exuberant in social outings but I'm only acting as I really am. Plus I don't put out signs all over the Net saying: "Please do me, I like it!" Does that mean if I don't want the stalkers to come after me, I should lock myself in my room?

Freaked Out but Curious as Hell

Dear FOC Hell,

Ah yes� the trials and tribulations of the sexually desirable! As someone who positively produces erections in gay men by merely walking past them, I completely understand what you're going through!

Instead of viewing your current situation as a curse and pondering over the ludicrous notion of locking yourself up in your room, you should take it upon yourself to be the sexual savior of many a gay man!

Indeed, you should be true to your exuberant personality and start spreading your legs � I mean, start spreading good cheer! Continue to display your "wares" for all to see and enjoy, but always be prepared to say "no" (and mean it) and always practice safe sex.

In the meanwhile, enjoy your scintillating sexual status while it lasts - after all, the gay scene operates in dog years - before you know it, you'll be yesterday's news and someone else will take your position as the local community's most desirable singleton.

Most Desirable Attached Person,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

Please help. I have a problem. I've been with my gal for six months now, and we love each other deeply. We've been talking about going to Canada to get married. But lately, I've been really disturbed by the fact that when we're out at clubs my attention would be drawn towards the cute babes. I would fantasise about them and end up paying more attention to them.

I used to be a player, and in the past, I usually wouldn't be alone for too long when in clubs - if you know what I mean (*wink*). I'm guessing that all this could be "left-over" from my player days. You think? But if that is so, what can I do about this? I really treasure this relationship and I really think she is "THE ONE."

Frankly, she's really managed to "tame" me quite a bit compared to my player days. I don't want my bad habits to cause any future follies, cause she's always had the mentality that I'd cheat on her one of these days due to my "colourful past." Please advise.

Sincerely,
Pussy

Poor Playful Pussy,

Firstly, stop winking at me - I'm not a lesbian.

Secondly, there's nothing criminal or "disturbing" about having fantasies involving persons other than your partner. If it is indeed a crime to have and entertain such fantasies, then everyone in the gay and lesbian community would be guilty as charged.

Thirdly, merely having fantasies will not threaten your otherwise stable relationship. Rather it's whether you choose to act on these fantasies that's the real issue. If your fantasies remain fantasies, then you have nothing to worry about. However, if you decide to start "pawing" other "cute babes," then I think you still have a long way to go from being "tamed."

Finally, if you find your resolve to stay faithful weakening by the day, I hear the SPCA offers an effective pussy spaying service at most affordable rates.

Your Pussy Pal
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.