Fridae

It's a common enough sight at the gym - no, I'm not talking about Muscle Marys swanning around in indecent butt-cheek revealing tights.

I'm talking about gay men at the gym feigning an air of nonchalance and disinterest when in the company of other homo hot bods huffing and puffing away at workout stations.

As a gym bunny who practically sleeps over at the gym (I'm using the term here in its metaphorical sense), I think I can speak with authority on this puzzling phenomenon.

Whenever I see a Gym-God-In-Spandex with a desirability quotient so high I have to towel off my workout station, what would I usually do? Mind you, contrary to vicious gym rumours, I do not drop my shorts immediately.

Instead, I would pretend to (a) look over his head; (b) develop an interest in my limited edition Nike sneakers; or (c) focus on my bun-tightening routine with an intensity not seen since Arnold Schwarzenegger was preparing for Mr. Olympia.

And this, apparently, is a condition not exclusive to yours truly.

Based on my personal observation, there's appears to be an unspoken rule at my gym - or at any gyms frequented by muscle-bound gay men for that matter - that frowns upon and forbids blatant cruising.

According to this god-knows-where-it-comes-from rule, gay men, when working out, must cultivate an attitude of disregard towards other gay men. (Honestly, if that doesn't qualify as an entry for Ripley's "Believe It Or Not!", I can't think of anything else that would.)

Some gym fanatics would argue that gay men, like everyone else, hit the gym for the sole purpose of getting a good workout and improving their physiques. To these individuals, I have only one thing to say: "Stay off steroids! They're affecting your brains and killing your libido!"

If you think about it, it should "theoretically" be easier to pick up fellow muscle gay men at a gym than any other place. Save for gay swimming pools and saunas, the gym is literally Cock Central - where everyone else is either scantily or sweatily clad in bulge-revealing singlet and shorts or half-naked in the locker-room (fully naked if you're an exhibitionist).

Ironically, because of the sheer numbers of gay men present, cruising at the gym is considered a high-risk venture. On any given day, it is believed that you can toss a coin blindly in the air in a crowded gym and chances are it will land on some Muscle Maniacal Mary paddling away furiously at a stationary bike.

Strangely enough, this "birds of a feather" phenomenon, instead of making gay men feel at ease, has the opposite effect of curbing cruising. This is because all cruising activities - both successful and unsuccessful - tend to get reported on and end up as gossip fodder for the gay grapevine.

To make matters worse, those who intend to engage in a bit of cruising or husband hunting find themselves confronted with the erection-deflating fear of having to change their gym routines in the event that their advances are rejected or suffer the humiliating consequences of facing the one-who-spurned-them at the gym day after day.

All things considered, these conditions are responsible for creating and sustaining a certain level of dishonesty at gyms frequented by gay men: gay men go to the gym hoping to meet new guys - yet they spend an inordinate amount of time and effort pretending they're not hoping to meet new guys.

As a result, whenever we hit the gym, we refuse to acknowledge each other's presence and ignore each other like we weren't even there (yes, I'm guilty too). Worse, we make an extra effort to appear especially disinterested in someone we are clearly (or secretly) interested in.

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Personally, I think there's another reason why we behave the way we do at the gym: we want to preserve an aura of superiority or mystery. It's as if cruising at the gym is so below what any respectable gay man would do, or as if the more unattainable we make ourselves to be, the more we move up the desirability food chain.

With regards to this, I should like to point out that it's one thing to be subtle (no one wants to be caught leaving a pool of dribble all over the Nautilus station), but it's another thing to ignore or pretend to ignore people whom we are attracted to completely.

For the sake of clarification, I'm not referring to those out-of-shape trolls who enjoy staking out at the locker rooms or shower cubicles, and chatting up gay men who are clearly out of their league.

Getting stalked or cruised by tiresome trolls while working out rates right up there with the ugly third guy in a threesome who keeps getting in the way as a major source of irritation. Short of shooing gym trolls away with a red-hot cattle poker, there's only one way to effectively deal with them and that's to drop barbells on their feet.

But back to my point before my troll tirade - because of our "Look, Ignore But Never Talk Or Touch" mentality at the gym, we often end up with a great many "M.O.s" (Missed Opportunities). If you ask me, that's a tragic waste of good he-muscles if there ever was one.

And if the saying "a gay man who acts detached will remain unattached" is true, is it any wonder that gay men leave the gym greatly buffed but slightly disappointed about the lack of action?

So what should frisky gay gym bunnies do?

Well, there are gay men who would stalk their man-target, follow him into the bathroom and try to catch a glimpse of his goods before he leaves. And there are also cobweb-loving gay men who leave it to chance and/or fate to bring them and their gym crush together without raising a finger.

My advice is to do the unthinkable around a pack of pecs-perfect gay men - smile and act like you're Ms. Gym Congeniality. Disarm Mr. Icicle by going up to him and asking him if he'll spot you - then strike up a conversation and maybe invite him out for a protein milkshake.

Now I'm not suggesting that you include "bobbing for bananas" as part of your regular gym workout (although that wouldn't hurt). And I'm definitely not suggesting that you behave as if you're casting for Falcon Video and risk earning yourself a reputation of being the Gym Whorina.

What I'm suggesting is that you be true to your sexual self and feel free to act on your sexual attraction. You'll be surprised how many gay men put on a frosty fa�ade because they think that's the way you're supposed to be at a gym (especially since everyone else is doing it). And when they finally meet someone warm, friendly and genuine at the gym, they will drop their Ice Queen act (and hopefully their jock straps) in an instant.

So c'mon guys, it's about time we inject some excitement in our gym routine and put the "sex" back in "homosexual".

Now get ready to really work that body!

(Writer's Note: For interested parties, yours truly works out on [deleted], [deleted] and [deleted] every week around [deleted] hours at [deleted] gym.)

(Editor's Note: No soliciting for sex is allowed - even for Fridae's writers.)