Fridae

It is my personal belief that the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a gay man in the bedroom is encountering a Crying Game scenario and finding out that the gay lay he is about to bed is actually an infatuated fag hag.

It is also my personal belief that the second most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a gay man in the bedroom is the revelation that the hot stud he brought home for the night reveals himself to be a Bossy Bottom (cue: non-stop shuddering).

Bossy Bottoms are control freaks who put the "boss" in "bossy" and they can assume the guise of any mild-mannered gay man. Once in the bedroom however, they will be transformed into he-despots and display the tendency to bark out commands in a tone that would put any National Day parade commander to shame.

Examples of erection-shriveling bedroom orders from a Bossy Bottom would include: "Look here you selfish top! You're in my bedroom to service me! And I want some tongue NOW!" or "Not like this! Like this! Don't you know what you're doing? Do it until you get it right!"

When confronted with a Bossy Bottom, there are only two things a gay man can do: (a) resign yourself to your fate and concentrate on following his instructions to the letter; and (b) thank your lucky stars that he's not a Bottomless Bossy Bottom (but that's an article for another day).

Despite their intimidating and domineering behaviour, Bossy Bottoms can make good bedmates - it just depends on how well you take instructions and if they like how well you take instructions. In fact, Bossy Bottoms are perfect for Timid Tops who enjoy being kept under the thumb - much like Elizabeth Hurley and her ex Hugh Grant.

So how exactly can you tell if the studmuffin you're interested in is a Bossy Bottom? Well, fortunately for you, yours truly is some what of a sexpert when it comes to Bossy Bottoms - no, I am NOT a Bossy Bottom myself, I just used to date one - now can we stop the sniggering and get back to the story?

As I was going to say, you can usually spot a Bossy Bottom by his best asset: his glorious glutes and his myriad of poses which will somehow always accentuate or show off his well-baked buns.

At the gym, the Bossy Bottom is the one who always admiring his tush in the mirror or bending at the waist to pick up his dumb bells - thereby offering his awesome ass for all to see and in the process "perking up" the interest of many a Topman nearby.

The Bossy Bottom can also be found working out furiously on any Butt Shaping Machine - often displaying exaggerated hip movements while spotting a determined expression. In my opinion, anyone who uses that machine has to be a bottom and anyone who keeps hogging that machine is definitely a Bossy Bottom.

At the clubs, the Bossy Bottom can usually be found on the dance-floor - clad in butt-grabbing denim or Andy Bell's discarded hot pants - either shaking his tush as if he's suffering from anal epilepsy or doing one-too-many booty slaps.

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To net yourself a Bossy Bottom, you definitely have to butch up your act to let him know that you're the Topman for him since you can be sure that he doesn't want to bring you home expecting an ass-pounding evening only to be rewarded with lesbian-type bed action (read: let's just hug and cuddle).

Once you are in the lair of the Bossy Bottom, the first thing you'll notice about his boudoir would be how sturdy the bed is (go on, check for steel reinforced girders) and how worn out the bed sheets are (trust me, they've seen a lot of friction).

Foreplay with a Bossy Bottom should always be focused on his buttocks since they are his pride and joy. Depending on what he suggests, or rather decrees, you could massage his butt cheeks or slap them around playfully before prying them apart for a good rimming.

Once the Bossy Bottom is properly primed (he'll tell you) and you're all "suited up" (he'll make you), he will assume total control over all the proceedings - from the type of condom to the amount of lubrication you use to the decibels of your grunts to the type of music playing in the background.

When penetrating a Bossy Bottom, learn to vary the depth, force, rhythm and speed of your butt-blasting thrusts. Once you managed to get him "ooh-ing" and "aah-ing" in pleasure, you can be assured that you have earned your Penis Proficiency Certificate.

You should also be prepared to do it in any number of positions depicted in the Karma Sutra including Doggy Style and Heels To Heaven etc. and your ability to handle those demanding position transitions with aplomb will send him into utter bottom bliss.

Whatever you do, make sure that you pace yourself - ejaculating before the Bossy Bottom has had his fill and your reputation as a good lay will be wrecked even before you finish putting on your clothes.

When the Bossy Bottom is about to shoot his load, he will usually grab your hand and place it on his swollen stiffy. This is your cue to bring him to his climax. Once his money shot is complete, you should either ejaculate inside him within seconds (don't forget the condom) or pull out and dump your man-juice across his chest or into his mouth (depending on what his orders are).

(Note: If you continue to pump away long after he is satiated, you'll find him calling his friends to arrange for brunch or taking a post-coital smoke even before your last climax convulsion.)

Once sex is over and done with, look to the Bossy Bottom for further instructions before you turn over and start snoring. If you are asked to stay, forget about sneaking off and remember to utter your "Thank you Ma'am!" If you are given your marching orders - then scoop up your clothes and get the hell out - no questions asked.

Now are we all clear on this? Answer me! Are we?