Fridae

I am proud to say that I'm probably the only Singaporean who can channel Tyra "Eyes Alive!" Banks and do a spot-on imitation of her glassy eyes and quivering voice as she barely whispers: "Congratulations. You're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model."

My obsession with America's Next Top Model (ANTM) can be attributed to my childhood fantasy of becoming the next Linda, Christy or Naomi, and the undeniable fact that the top-rated supermodel series hosted by Tyra Banks is possibly one of the gayest TV programmes ever to arrive on the shores of Singapore.

With the Victoria's Secrets model as executive producer, ANTM Cycle 5 features a flamboyant supporting cast, namely: art director and perma-tan victim Jay Manuel, "noted fashion photographer" Nigel Barker (yawn!), as well as two new judges: international runway coach "Miss" J Alexander and faded "fashion icon" Twiggy.

I was inconsolable when I learned that Janice Dickinson, whom one critic calls "a stun gun in human form, zealously zapping the girls as they parade before her," will not return as judge (although she will show up in one episode as "master" photographer). I attributed her absence to the fact that she rolled her eyes one too many times whenever Tyra utters something inane - which is practically every episode.

New judges aside, ANTM Cycle 5 re-"cycles" the formula of its predecessors and once again features a bunch of models-who-aren't-really- model-material trying to out-pose and out-catwalk the competition for a US$100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics, a contract with Ford Models, as well as a fashion spread in Elle and the cover of Elle Girl magazine.

The model wannabes for Cycle 5 include baby-faced dyke Kim; bi-curious Sarah and her "cantaloupe lips" which take up half her face; Coryn who resembles Yancy Butler from Witchblade after one too many testosterone injections; pageant queen Cassandra who lost it when stylists gave her a Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby haircut; order-barking alcoholic Lisa who peed in a diaper; unpopular shrew Jayla with her Alfred E. Newman ears; and Ebony whom one forum poster said looked like "the black guy from Color Me Badd minus the moustache."

The less-than-modelesque contestants also find themselves squaring off against each other in more and more outrageous challenges which include dressing up as superheroes, running on a treadmill while "looking frightened but pretty," cat-walking on a revolving stage, undergoing an army obstacle course, posing as pigeon-poop attracting statues and getting squashed half-naked in a telephone booth.

Fans of the ANTM series can, of course, expect mind-boggling instructions the likes of "Gimme fierce!", "Give more neck!", "Create your own wind!" etc; more indecipherable Tyra Mails (samples: "Have you ever fantasised about being the top bitch in charge?" and "Find out the pecking order at 7.00am!"); and more head-scratching decisions by the judging panel during eliminations (I still can't believe Kyle was eliminated so soon).

There will also be guest appearances by Lifestyles Of The Rich and Famous host Robin Leach (apparently he's still alive), James St. James ("club kid extraordinaire, fashion provocateur and definition of personal style"), and lesbian mechanic-turned-supermodel Jenny Shimizu as well as the ebony goddess Iman (now, that's a real supermodel!).

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However, what distinguishes ANTM Cycle 5 from its predecessors is the fact that it contains more drama, catfights and scandals than the previous four cycles combined - except for that episode where Tyra gets scary in a one-sided screaming match against poor skinny Tiffany. Particularly noteworthy are the lesbian shenanigans such as the hot tub scene where Kim and Sarah played with a phallic object and the limo scene where Sarah and her sucker-fish-like lips had to be pried off Kim's face.

Then of course, there are the sensational soundbites: "I'm not into staying up until all hours of the night having lesbian love affairs" (Nicole); "I want to be respectful � but I want to throw up" (Bre on eating caviar); "Dumb bitches. They get on my nerves. This is why I don't hang around females" (Coryn); and "Girls, don't blame the photographer. Blame your parents for bad DNA" (the very reassuring judge "Miss" J).

Having shared with Fridae readers why AHTM Cycle 5 makes for must-watch TV, I shall now excuse myself and go perfect my Kate Moss blank stare for ANTM Cycle 6. Yes, you read right - I have just announced that I, Alvin Tan (soon to be known in the modeling world as simply "Elvira"), shall be submitting my application for ANTM Cycle 6!

Don't snigger. I'll have you know that I fulfill most of the show's eligibility criteria: my partner insists that I'm a woman; I practically overshoot the height requirement of 5-foot-7; I'm between 18 to 27 years old (shut up); I've never had any previous experience as a model in a national campaign; and I strut better than Camille from Cycle 2 and look better in drag than that startled alien Lluvy from Cycle 4.

Fashion capitals of the world, here I come!

(Editor's Note: Alvin has apparently forgotten to take his medication again.)