Fridae

If Gwyneth Paltrow can be presented with an Oscar for her utterly unconvincing turn as a girl playing a boy playing a girl in Shakespeare In Love, I should be a shoo-in for Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role this year based on my efforts to "butch it up" for the recent Muscle War 2006.

For once, I was playing against type (the virginal temptress is my specialty!) and I decided to test my dramatic range by appearing at the annual amateur bodybuilding competition as a "straight man interested in bodybuilding purely for the sake of improving my own bodybuilding techniques and general well-being."

Held at the National University of Singapore (NUS) on 21 January, Muscle War 2006 is a must-attend- unless-one-is-in-the-hospital- emergency-room type of event on the calendar of all local bodybuilding enthusiasts, Muscle Marys and horny-hussies-masquerading-as- sedate-university-girls.

To help yours truly "stay in character," I even decided to put my fashionista reputation on the line by showing up at the University Cultural Centre Theatre dressed in my straight bodybuilder getup comprising a Reuben Studdard-sized t-shirt (a rarity in any gay man's wardrobe) and baggy track paints - in other words, I turned up looking like a butch lesbian.

Since I was merely an hour early, I decided to venture backstage because, as any seasoned spectator of bodybuilding contests will tell you, that's where the real action's at. Indeed, the backstage is where you'll literally catch contestants with their (under)pants down as they change into their posing trunks, indulge in last minute exercises and have bronzing lotion applied on every exposed part of their knee-weakening bulges.

Unfortunately, I was refused entry to the backstage by the security personnel - and this despite my repeated offer of an alcoholic drink and an orgasm! Fortunately, I am not without influence in the bodybuilding circle and my personal trainer, Adrian Tan, was able to gallantly escort yours truly to the much-coveted holding area for contestants.

(At this point, I would like to thank Adrian Tan for helping me work on my Mary-Kate Olsen-like legs. Under his tutelage, my progress was even swifter than I could have ever imagined! In fact, Adrian had this to say after just one training session: "It would be dishonest of me to continue taking your money as there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to improve your legs.")

After snapping a few discreet pictures of the pre-contest preparation area (which incidentally resembled a cross between a newspaper printing firm struck by a hurricane and a miracle tanning salon during peak hours), I quickly excused myself in a deep baritone voice and made my way to my seat before I lose all sense of propriety and jeopardise my undercover assignment for Fridae.

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Once the contest got underway, the entire theatre was transformed into a heat crazed arena where budding and seasoned musclemen strut, pose and flex onstage while the audience responded in kind with wolf-whistles, appreciative claps and ego-puncturing barbs (whoever says straight men aren't bitchy has obviously never attended a bodybuilding competition).

The opening category of "Below 70kg Tertiary" was a letdown - with many of the contestants displaying bodies hardly worthy of competing bodybuilders. I would even go so far as to say that Chyna or Sable from World Wrestling Entertainment would probably be able to out-muscle some of the more undernourished undergraduates on display.

The only exception is my favourite Muscle War 2006 contestant Yang Weiming (Winner, NUS) who puts the "stud" in "student" with his telegenic looks and confident routine. My only grouse is with the hard-bodied hunk's decision to wear what appeared to be black swimming trunks (drats!) instead of the usual skimpy posing trunks (double drats!).

The "Above 70kg Tertiary" category fared better with not one but two fine muscle specimens: the crew-cut cute Mark Wong (1st Runner-up, SMU) who looks droolicious with his golden body; and the shaven Daniel Zhang (2nd Runner-up, NUS) in purple trunks who resembles a hardcore Japanese leather daddy.

The "Open" category was by far the most competitive with many a seasoned bodybuilder competing for the top spots. Providing much eye-candy were ex-Manhunt contestant Francis Chua with his eye-catching red trunks and model-with-massive-thighs Dylan Huan whose already thin posing trunks appeared to be stretched to its breaking point.

As line-up after line-up of bronzed beefcakes paraded themselves before a by now raving audience, my eyes began to glaze over and my mind began to think about how I can best proposition my personal trainer while executing squats - it suddenly occurred to me how homoerotic bodybuilding competitions really are.

To begin with, the premise of bodybuilding competitions is centered upon showcasing well-lubricated bodies of muscle bound cockestants - pardon me, I mean contestants -
wearing posing trunks with less fabric than those worn by Pride Parade participants.

Moreover, the audience at bodybuilding competitions is predominantly male and is ostensibly present to view and appreciate other male bodies - although most straight members of the audience would insist that they were there to "support their gym buddies" (yeah right).

The sport of bodybuilding also shares with gay culture an obsession with the "perfect" body image. Besides competitive bodybuilders, no other segment of the population puts more pressure on itself to live up to near impossible physical standards than gay men.

For both the heterosexual and homosexual communities, our bodies define who we are in the pectoral pecking order and a great body packed with rippling muscles is always equated with masculinity and desirability - however misplaced that is. Specific to the homosexual community and perhaps as a natural response to the AIDS crisis, a Men's Fitness worthy body also signifies or suggests good health or at least, the appearance of it.

The only difference is that in competitive bodybuilding, you will be assessed purely on the musculature and symmetry of your body on the day of competition, while far more exacting standards are in play in the gay scene - so much so that even having the best bod is next to useless if you possess a face that could stop a clock or if you happen to be hung like a Ken doll.