Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I'm a closet fag and was able to share my secret with one of my girl office mates who at first seem to like gay and lesbian flicks and series (The L Word, Queer as Folk). After a while, she told me that she also is gay, and she has an online girlfriend herself.

That made me feel closer to her knowing that though we're playing for different teams, well, different but sort of the same. In our office we do things together, have lunch, buy stuff at the nearest convenience store, and get off work at the same time, etc.

The problem is I think I might be turning into lesbian fag since I miss her during long vacation periods. It makes me happy whenever we communicate outside the office through chat, SMS, telephone etc.

I almost always receive a SMS from her during weekends, and if I don't, I'll be the one who'll SMS her. Whenever we have a petty quarrel, it hurts so much because we'll stop doing things together for a while.

What are your thoughts, Alvin? Am I lesbian or gay? (Seriously).

Confused Queen,
E. Kaman

Your Highness,

First the good news: Unless your penis has since withered and dropped off, and you have sprouted breasts and developed a working vagina, you are technically not a lesbian. So you can breathe easier now.

Now for the not-so-good news: As for what you are, well, things are a little more complicated. The most obvious answer would be that you could be bisexual - in which case, you are attracted to both men AND women. You could also be bi-curious or "straight-for-the-moment" whereby you partake in the occasional dip into the other side of the pool.

Then again, you could be a latent heterosexual (shudder) who's been jolted out of the gay closet by this enchanting female colleague of yours. The only way to find out whether you belong to the "I want pussy!" team is to ask yourself (be honest now!) if you are interested in your female colleague in a sexual way and not just a "Let's be the bestest of girlfriends!" way.

If the image of yourself engaging in an office tryst with your female colleague on top of the photocopier machine gets you ill, then you're not heterosexual or even remotely bisexual. The reason is simple: gay men will not be able to approach (much less play with) female genitalia without first putting on their deep-sea diving apparatus.

You're most likely just a confused homosexual who hasn't experienced an "emotional connection" with other gay men for a very very long time and have mistaken your emotional closeness with your female colleague for sexual intimacy.

Whether the case may be, you should come into terms with your sexuality and be comfortable with who you are. Personally, I would advise you to follow my example and be a "trisexual" - meaning that you should just try anything sexual.

Fridae's Reigning "Tri"-athlete,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I've been dating this guy for eight months now and things are going great. But there's one thing that bugs me constantly - he doesn't want to let his ex-bf of 5 years know that he has started dating again. Friends of ours know us as an item but he'll try to avoid the topic when he's talking to his ex. What do you think about my situation? Maybe I'm paranoid but I think it's not normal.

Regards and many thanks,
Alfie

Dear Alfie,

It would appear that your relationship with your boyfriend is one of those hush-hush type affairs that only yourselves and your group of friends are privy to. Just so you know, this is very similar to my relationship with Hong Kong studmuffin Carl Ng who continues to deny his involvement with yours truly to this very day.

While I am of the view that everyone should have secrets even from their boyfriends (yes, boyfriends don't need to know stuff like "Did I ever tell you that I once gave your best friend a hand-job while you were asleep next to me at the chalet?"), it's a totally different thing if your boyfriend's secret happens to be YOU.

In the worst-case scenario, it may well be that your boyfriend isn't completely over his ex-boyfriend yet (sorry to break your heart Alfie). He may still be holding out for a chance to recapture love lost with his ex-boyfriend and hence his unwillingness to divulge his "very-much-attached" status.

Whatever the case may be, if your boyfriend cares so much about how his ex-boyfriend may think and feel if he were to tell him that he's seeing someone, then your boyfriend obviously doesn't care enough about YOU.

Yours Sympathetically,
Mrs. Carl Ng

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Hey Alvin,

My girlfriend cannot get over my past. She thinks that I am so caught up with an ex of mine (which is not true) and she gets very sensitive even over the slightest things. She would ask me why I refuse to take photos with her when I took photos with my ex.

Well, the only reason is because I don't bring around my camera with me 24/7! She thinks that I make her feel small and that she is insignificant in my life. I have tried everything but just can't seem to make her feel more secure.

She said that she is always the one who's looking for me rather than vice versa, and she would do anything to try and get my attention. It's really tiring for me and I really don't know what to do. What should I do to help her get over my past (which isn't too glorious)?

Thanks Al.

YY

Dear YY,

You should tell your girlfriend - preferably in her face - to grow up. She reminds me of an insecure dog (not that I'm implying that she looks or smells like one) cursed with an overwhelming need to mark her territory, and have you all to herself.

Someone should tell her that unless she's only interested in dating unspoiled virgins (and pray tell where can you find one these days?), every lesbian comes with her own dating history - some less "glorious" than others. And someone should also tell her that attention seeking antics can get really tired really fast (Paris Hilton are you listening here?).

That said, it really doesn't hurt you to put in more effort towards placating your girlfriend and making your relationship work. If she is bothered about you not using up rolls after rolls of Kodak shooting the two of you in sapphic embraces, then for goodness sake just do what needs to be done to make her happy!

With camera and video handphones being oh-so-common these days, it's time to stop making excuses for yourself and start snapping or filming away. That is unless you're too kind to say that your girlfriend is not the photogenic type - in which case I retract my comment about her not looking like a dog.

Yours Photogenically,
Alvin "Strike A Pose" Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.