Fridae

Back when I was still a Drama Queen, I was always sorely tempted to call forth all my acting prowess and do something really dramatic - like feigning a heart attack while spring-cleaning - just to avoid the annual chin-gay celebrations.

For gay men and women of Chinese descent, the Chinese New Year often pose more challenges than all fourteen seasons of Survivor rolled into one. Swinging singletons worry about inquisitive relatives, same-sex couples despair over whether to bring their partners home etc, etc.

When I first invited my partner home for the traditional steamboat dinner, my parents had to be force-fed cattle tranquilisers. Fortunately, things have since settled down nicely once my partner and I stopped nibbling on each other's earlobes in the presence of family.

Despite having been accepted by our families, my partner and I still look forward to the Chinese New Year with as much enthusiasm as having a crate of Mandarin oranges suspended from our testicles.

And it's all because of the moron-a-thon of relatives and family friends who will come a-visiting during the festive period and start a-flinging their dreaded questions our way faster and deadlier than Andy Lau's missiles in House of Flying Daggers:

Dreaded Question #1: "When are you going to get married?" or "Why still no girlfriend/boyfriend?"
Recommended Reply: "I prefer to sleep around."

Dreaded Question #2: "When are you going to get serious and settle down? Can you honestly see yourself doing this ten years down the road?"
Recommended Reply: "Yes, you're right. I don't see myself doing this ten years down the road. Ten years down the road, I'll be acting in gay porn."

Dreaded Question #3 (usually to gay couples): "But which one of you is the man?"
Recommended Response: The more obviously fey partner to grab the shirt of the idiot who asked and growl "Who d'ya think?"

Dreaded Question #4 (usually to lesbians): "How do you do "it" in bed?"
Recommended Response: Either provide a "live" sapphic sex demonstration or whip up your battery-operated vibrator and switch it on.

Understandably, with each passing Chinese New Year, I find it harder and harder to restrain my inner Naomi Campbell and refrain from plummeting the more annoying relatives and family friends with my Swarovski-encrusted mobile phone.

Fortunately, all is not lost.

As a community, we gay men and women are incredibly resilient. After all, who else go through life with our heads held high despite being confronted with discrimination, homophobia, AIDS and whatever else the world throws at us.

Besides issuing verbal barbs and shooting off glares of death to oh-so-deserving relatives and family friends, here are some popular options on how to spend (or survive) the upcoming Chinese New Year holidays:

Escape Overseas
One of the more popular options amongst members of the gay jet set is of course to fly the friendly skies and embark on their annual pilgrimages to their favourite gay meccas for a welcome respite.

Just imagine: Instead of having to serve food and drinks to visitors, you could be lying on a sun deck sipping your avocado daiquiri as a cute Cabana boy massages your foot while another fans you gently with a palm leaf. homo-heaven!

Fool The Family
Another possible option - but strictly for closet cases and those whose parents will detonate upon hearing the news that their son is a cocksucker - is to put on a brave home front and to rope in their fag hags and Sapphic sisters to pass off as girlfriends."

For both gay men and women, the general rule of thumb when choosing someone from our community to pose as your heterosexual "partner" is that the male partner should never wear more makeup and the female partner should never have bigger biceps.

(Note: Doing drag during Chinese New Year is a no-go, unless like yours truly, you look resplendent in cheongsam a la Maggie Cheng in In The Mood For Love.)

Spend It With "Family"
And finally, the most popular option amongst gay men and women would be to create your own celebrations and organise get-togethers and reunion dinners with your more "fabulous (and fashionable) family."

Activities at such gatherings would include the usual all-night mahjong parties (bye bye Hongbaos!), pot-luck cook-outs, as well as home-decoration competitions - given that festive seasons never fail to bring out the frustrated window-dressers in all gay men.

Whichever option you may prefer, it is always wise to plan ahead in order to ensure a happy holiday for yourself, your partner (if you are attached), your friends and of course, your family.

To put yourself in the right frame for mind, just keep Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" on repeat mode in your iPod throughout this festive season and remind yourself to be thankful that instead of giving out "red packets," you'll be receiving them.

And on that note, here's wishing all of Fridae's readers a happy and prosperous Chinese New Year!

Known as the Spring Festival in China, 'Tet in Vietnam and 'Sol' in South Korea, Chinese New Year is also celebrated internationally in areas with large populations of ethnic Chinese. Many overseas Chinese also return home on the eve of Chinese New Year to have reunion dinners with their families. This can be a time of joy as well as increased tension, we invite readers to share their Chinese New Year experiences and their plans for the holidays.