Fridae

This column was first published in the March 2008 edition of LOTL.

Nearly a decade ago, when I first stepped into the Lesbian scene, I was indeed like a hungry girl in the candy bar for the first time. You have to understand firstly, that my exposure to the Lesbian scene at that point was limited to that ugly (and scary) butch from my graduating class in an extremely heterosexual high school. She stank of stale sweat brought forward from a morning session of soccer and, well, I had issues with her calling me Big Boobs.

You can only imagine how overwhelmed I was when I attended my first Lesbian party. There were Lesbians of all breeds flowing from everywhere who didn't stink of soccer boots. Even your short and fat lesbian lawyer didn't look half as bad that night. There I was - a hormonally charged curious 17-year-old lesbian who has just graduated from high school inducted into post-grad in Lesbian school.

Looking back, I might have gone a bit too crazy with my initial sampling. Overconfident of my project management skills, I did date three women of three different labels at the same time in my first month into the scene. My conscience caught up with me before the end of that month, and I've been quite a one-woman woman since. My personality did not change to date, mind you. I'm sociable by nature and let's just say I'm probably the best companion you'd want to have when you're all wrinkled up in a hospice 40 years down the road. I haven't got a pretty face but my sense of humour makes up for it.

I haven't quite concluded why, but I do get lesbians coming up to me, calling me a player or advising me to 'be good'. I used to brush that misconception aside, but now it has become somewhat annoying. Forgive me for being defensive here, but just because I'm able to carry a conversation with you doesn't mean I want to carry you home. I'm open-minded, but my legs aren't.

This misconstrued definition lesbians have of a player brings us to this month's discussion. While a player like Shane McCutcheon exists in The L Word, I adamantly disagree that such a profession is even possible with lesbians. Non-vocal Asian lesbians, at very least. Before I rattle on with my rationale on why lesbian players don't, and can't exist, allow me to define the meaning of a player - a person with a reputation for non-committal, emotionally detached amorous adventures with several parties concurrently.

Unlike gay men, whose promiscuous instinct is inherent to their gender, women are born to emotionally attach themselves to just about everything, even their goddamn favourite pink thong. Gay men may violently disagree with me at this point, but have you ever heard of women-only spas with private pitch-black dark rooms for romping with strangers? Or some 5-day-Bangkok-getaway trip with 50 other horny lesbians in some secluded villa? I'm not saying that all gay men are promiscuous, but in this capitalistic world we live in, if there is no demand, there will not be any supply. And no, there isn't any supply for eat-all-you-can pussy buffets.

Being a lesbian player is rather high maintenance, especially if you're into non-organic silicon sidekicks falling off your crotch. No self-respecting lesbian I know will allow a used toy inside her happy hole. "If Junior has been in your Ex before, he's not coming in me," I hear them say, pun intended or not. Changing Juniors costs about $100 per pop and I'm not even considering the excessively creative ones with rabbits with 6-mode vibration option and hairy balls thrown in for authenticity. How long can anyone be a player before she declares bankrupt? Ohhh. The headline will be nasty. Lesbian Sushi Restaurant Manager Goes Broke For Her Love For A Particular Type of Sushi.

Besides being financially incapable, lesbians are also emotionally incapable of handling the fuck-and-chuck way of life. In my last lesbian audit, I realise that a fuck, on average, comes with two meet-the-friends sessions, three movies, four dinner dates and five weeks of daily calls. Little wonder why even Shane retired temporarily from sex in Season Five - lesbians are too much drama. They cannot emotionally detach themselves from the finger that has just gone into them.

Check out the cover story on k.d. lang as she speaks about her upcoming tour in Australia, music and spirituality in the Mar 2007 edition of LOTL. Click on the related link below to read more (no subscription required.