If that were true, reported condom use among men who have sex with men would be much higher than currently found, even in places were condoms are readily available and free. If that were true, HIV prevalence among men who have sex with men would not have reached over 30% in Bangkok and Yangon, and more than 5% in Beijing, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Singapore, Phnom Penh, Hanoi, Ho Chi Minh City, Chiang Mai, Phuket, Kathmandu, Delhi, Mumbai and countless other cities in Asia.
Condoms are NOT fun. I am sorry. If we could only just SAY it. Then first-time users, believing they are in for a wonderful experience trying out 'fun' condoms for the first time, may not think that there is something terribly wrong with them when they discover that it feels different. Less 'warm'. Less 'wet'. Less 'close'. That is if you actually manage to retain your erection while fumbling with the packaging. Condoms are usually packaged in three layers - first a plastic folia, then a box, and then an aluminium cover, all of which have to be opened, often in the heat of the moment and / or in the dark. When it is finally out, then you have to put it on your penis, with the right side up. Add a drop of icy-cold lubricant. Bummer. Is your erection holding up? All the time, your sex session is put on hold...
So why bother using condoms? Well, that is easy. If used consistently, condoms have been found to dramatically reduce our risk for HIV infection, as well as for other sexually transmitted infections like gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia and different strains of herpes. Hence, there is a strong case to be made for promoting them. It has been estimated that if 60-80% of sex acts among men who have sex with men were covered by condoms, the HIV epidemic would slowly die out.
Hence, we could say condoms are like an unliked friend... We need them, but we don't really like them at our party. They protect us, so we SHOULD like them. But still. A bit like my emotions towards my mathematics teacher, or my dentist. I know, they are important. I need them. But still.
Condoms alone won't do the trick. One of the great injustices of life is that the human body does not produce penetration-facilitating lubricating fluids in the rectum, as it does in vaginas. Some homophobes use this biological fact to claim that anal sex is against the 'Order of Nature' - but that is a different debate. What it means is that we, men, lovers of anal sex, butt-fuckers, need to apply additional lubrication when performing our (very natural) anal duties.
Many condoms come in sachets that already keep them lubricated, to an extent. But usually it is necessary to apply more, in the form of water-based lubricant. Why not just use Vaseline, Nivea, shampoo, sun-blocking cream or any other readily available cream? The answer, again, is simple. These substances contain chemicals that react with the latex of our unliked friends, the condoms. These chemicals cause them disintegrate / break. I once observed during an HIV prevention session with male sex workers in Pattaya how one of them was asked to blow up a condom, as a balloon. Then another one was asked to apply some Vaseline to the condom. It immediately exploded! It was quite shocking.
So no oil-based lubricants with your condom, unless you use polyurethane condoms, which are made of plastic, hence the oil-based lubricants do not affect them. Unfortunately polyurethane condoms are not widely available, I never understand why, because people who have used them say they are amazing. Polyurethane can be considered better than latex in several ways: it conducts heat better than latex (so it feels like you are not wearing it), it is not as sensitive to temperature and ultraviolet light (and so has less rigid storage requirements and a longer shelf life). Polyurethane is also less allergenic than latex, and does not have an odor.
By the way, you can also use oil-based lubricants with female condoms, which are also made of polyurethane. The use of female condoms for anal sex will be discussed in a next column, perhaps.
Water-based lubricants are produced by Durex and KY and other manufacturers. Sometimes lubricants are handed out in sachets in gay entertainment places or by HIV prevention workers, for free. That is great, because lubricants tend to be a bit pricey. One of these lubricants (KY) is also used by surgeons to lubricate their rubber gloves during surgery - so if you are shy about buying it, just stand in front of the cashier and say: "Damn, I got six heart transplants scheduled for tonight! Hope this one tube will be enough."
This trick will NOT work with the Durex 'Play' lubricants, though! These are specifically designed to enhance sexual pleasure, and should be applied on the tip of the penis before wearing the condom, and then on the condom itself. Some of them have a tinkling or 'warming' effect, which can be quite amazing. A friend told me that when he tried the warming lubricant for the first time, he had to check several times to see if the condom was still on; he was worried that it had slipped off, because he did not feel it anymore. But it was still there. Highly recommended.
Saliva (spit) is by far the cheapest lubricant, because it is produced in our own mouths, to facilitate anal penetration (according to the Order of Nature, perhaps?). But you need a lot of it, and it can be unhygienic if you are in the middle of a sex session, but start to feel friction, so that you have to pull out to apply spit on your condom-covered penis with your hand. If you do it more often than just at the start, if your fingers touch your mouth you may ingest bacteria that can give you diarrhea or other intestinal bugs. Well. Perhaps a small price to play - but check out those lubricants at the pharmacy, if you have a chance - much easier, cleaner and much more fun.
One thing surprisingly few people seem to know is that condoms come in different sizes, different shapes AND in different 'smoothness patterns'.
First, the sizes. These sizes are measured in millimeters across, not in the length of the condom - which is the same for all. The smallest size is 49 millimeters, and the biggest are 56-58 millimeters (i.e. the Durex Comfort brand); bigger sizes also exist but are hard to find. Most commonly, condoms are distributed in 50, 51 or 52 mm; there are also condoms that are 51.5 mm and 52.5 mm. It sounds like a tiny, insignificant difference, but because we are talking about an elastic material like latex (which can be stretched to 8 times it original size!), a millimeter makes at least as much of a difference as an inch does for a penis. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how most gay men use the metric system, i.e. kilometers, meters, centimeters and millimeters, but all of them know INCHES too - measuring that 'special distance'...
Now the shapes. Condoms can be wide at the base and smaller at the tip; can be wider at the top and tighter at the base, and they can be the same width at the top as at the base. The shape of the condom is often depicted as a small diagram on the condom box. Like the size, the shape also makes a big difference in how the condom 'feels' when you wear it. Sometimes condoms can fit so well that you hardly notice that you wear one. Sometimes they can fit so poorly that you lose interest and your erection. Much unsafe sex occurs in these circumstances - if you can't keep it hard with a condom.
Then there is the surface of the condom. Usually this is smooth. But there are also condoms that have patterns in the latex, causing more friction while penetrating, supposedly increasing the pleasure of the partner. I think it probably does not work for anal sex - please correct me if I am wrong.
Now, listen to this. It is extremely important that you find out which condom size, pattern and surface, and which type of lubricant suits you best! Because having a condom that is too small or has the wrong size may reduce your sexual pleasure unnecessarily, and you may be so pissed off by the experience that you decide to ditch condoms altogether. Having a condom that is too big can lead to frequent slippage and puts you and your partner at unnecessary risk for HIV and sexually transmitted infections. Lubricants, as I mentioned below, can greatly decrease the displeasure of having to use condoms.
Just as we do not all wear and use exactly the same size, form and pattern of shoes, to use a very gay example, condoms and lubricants also need to be objects of careful 'shopping around'. They need to be studied, tried out and compared. You have to discover which size you are. Maybe Fridae can make 'preferred type and size of condom' a part of their member profile questions?
I have not yet tried to ask the sales person at the pharmacy: "Do you have a fitting room where I can try these different condom sizes?" - but that is exactly what you should do. Just buy 5-6 different types and sizes of condoms, and 2-3 different types of lubricants. Then have a condom-fitting party at home - perhaps with some friends?
Perhaps we can instigate a new trend - the 'Rubberware Parties' - so we can spread the word:
When it comes to condoms and lubricants, one size does NOT fill all.
Jan Wijngaarden has worked, in different functions and roles, on promoting HIV prevention, care and support for men who have sex with men (MSM) since 1994. He is also the moderator of MSM-Asia, an information network on MSM, HIV and human rights, with nearly 600 members from across the region. If you want to become a member of MSM-Asia, or for information requests or comments, pls contact him at jwdlvw@gmail.com.
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Reader's Comments
any guy wanna co host it with me?
wonderful article, humorous and still educational
am so glad he is writing for fridae
am looking forward to more such articles
lex
The idea of the 'Rubberware Parties' sounds fantastic. But I ain't sure about doing it in a literal, 'party' context. Perhaps in a more 'formal', educational setting? That way, the heterosexual community can be reeled in too! Fridae should seriously take that into consideration!
1) expiry date (DD/MM/YYYY)
2) Use only Water-based lubricant
3) Don't use oil or oil-based lubricant like hand cream & moisturiser.
Another disappointing thing is the manufacturers don't add flavorings to ALL condoms. If all condoms are flavored, it becomes universally known that all condoms are appropriate for both anal/vaginal AND oral sex. Being flavored doesn't make a condom unsuitable for anal/vaginal sex at all; it just makes it suitable for oral sex as well.
So my suggestions are:
1) display the above warning about oil-based lubricant on all covers. Most condom users are still unaware that oil can break condoms even though they know that KY is specially made to be used with condoms.
2) Produce only flavored condoms so that people who experiment with protected oral sex would never experience the foul rubber taste.
One more question, as far as I concern, there might be a small population of male which is getting very "sesitive" to condoms, what I mean is the tend to get faster ejaculation due to the use of condom, I wandering how many people here have this problems....is that becos of the tightness of condoms causing the penis head getting too much stimulation??? Or other reason?
Hope Jan can share with us on the above issues, Thank!
Really ? Do "we" 'zgmm' ? I think you should speak for yourself, not others, as not all of us ("we") forgets so easily.
It is a matter of responsibilty, not a matter of forgetting, and the way you express it is as if it was the 'norm' and acceptable in an "ooops" kind of way.
Hope you dont forget again, for the sake of your partners, as well as yourself.
I actually cheated on my boyfriend by having unprotected sex with a girl, now my kids are three
I don't regret not wearing a condom, but think back at how stupid and naive I was.. so its a mixed blessing
My relationship with the mother of my children is more Will and Grace and actually its latest the test of time and I enjoy it
So now when I have sex with guys or girls, I wear a condom just like when I am in the car wearing my seat belt:)
Thank you for the advice.
Idealistically, people are responsible. Realistically, some people are not. If the "us" that you mentioned does not forget to put on a condom, I'd say bravo and well-done! I'm sure that if there's more "us" that you've mentioned, we'll see a drastic decrease in new HIV/STD infections very, very soon.
Personally, I think it's only natural to have lapses in judgment. For to err is to be human. While lapses may not be good, it is normal.
Why do I bring this up in a Fridae forum? Well, as many of you will be aware, straight men have been known to stray from the Adam and Eve norm, and into gay saunas, sex clubs and chatrooms. And sometimes they return with an unpleasant, invisible souvenir to surprise the wife. Alternatively, they sometimes bring microscopic but troublesome gifts from Straightland for their new found gay buddies. This idea that MSM and MSW are distinct demographics is OK, but then, sexuality is a fluid spectrum, and thus it's not a case of 'our' problems and 'their' problems. STDs are everyone's problem.
So... no excuses. There are condoms for all. No community is fully isolated, you can never fully know your partner's sexual history, and HIV doesn't care if you 'just forgot to wear one that one time'. And thanks for the tips, Jan, I feel as if my little manservant will be clad in the finest designer jumpsuit for his next adventure! Dress well even when naked - only the mos could have come up with such a concept!
Thanks for the guidance.
I have been in monogamous long term relationship so have not been as concerned about the problem of HIV as I was before, but there is one form of what I believe "safe" sex which I have never seen discussed and which, for top's position at least, gives every bit as much pleasure as real anal penetration, and in my past experience more, because actual discharge seems to last longer.
Details are a bit "basic" but here they are: Bottom puts a towel under his legs and then crosses his legs. Top applies a little lubricant and inserts his penis just below Bottom's balls, and then carries on as if it were anal loving. Provided Bottom has no sore or cut, I believe this would be completely safe. Somehow it does not seem to have caught on.
Entirely different question. Is my understanding correct that in a massage with no sexual element, there is zero risk of HIV infection even if masseur/masseuse are HIV positive?
Regards,
Willro in Tokyo
personally I just don't sleep around (2 yrs celebate) so I never have stress over most of the human sexual pox's waiting to get me and when I do finally meet some one there will be testing or sorry no go, I want to be with one on a permanent basis eventually and I won't be dragging along a whole bunch of unwelcome guests and I'll expect like wise, I look to quality of life so celibacy is an option.
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