The following is an extract published by The (UK) Times on January 18, 2010. Click on the link below to read the article in full.
A minor incident in a barber’s shop last week has helped me to realise that I may no longer be gay. Not a fully fledged homo, anyway; perhaps not even a part-timer who helps the team out when it’s busy. It appears I may be going straight.
I was in Tenterden, the Kentish village where I was brought up and to which I have lately returned, working at a nearby aerodrome as a helicopter pilot. I was waiting my turn for a chatty Latvian to apply the hot towels and razor.
A handsome young dad entered with a small, fair-haired boy at his side. The man took a seat and hoisted the wide-eyed child proudly on to his knee. The first haircut, I speculated inwardly, as an unfamiliar fatherly glow and feeling of mild envy swept over me. I could not tear my attention away from the mirrored reflections.
From time to time, the dad leant forward as they waited and whispered close to his son’s ear, tenderly kissing his fair head. Touching stuff.
But then my eyes lowered and I became transfixed by the sight of the boy’s tiny pink fingers gripping his father’s huge, workman-like fist. And I almost wanted to burst into song.
I think my life changed at that moment.
That’s love, folks. Simple really. A proud dad, an adored little boy and a beautiful display of dependence and responsibility. It was the epiphany I had needed and I emerged with a dashing new haircut and a desire to procreate.
Gays have children these days, of course they do, and not always to accessorise an outfit. Some gay couples adopt; others follow twisting paths to biological parenthood, often quite expensively, with the involvement of test tubes and cash changing hands. It is, really, a sort of snook to the system of nature. Shooting for the net without the chore of running with the ball. It’s just not for me.
And lately I have, almost imperceptibly, been laying the groundwork to make parenthood happen in the old-fashioned way. I have been flirting with someone at my local pub, thinking about her at odd times, making excuses to call her and wondering if she likes me. It’s rather strange.
This will come as a shock to — among others — my male former partner of ten years, gay pals from my former media career, my rabidly heterosexual chums in the aviation industry and, not least, my family (who rather hoped I was going through a phase — albeit for about 20 years). Well, it’s come as a shock to me, too.
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Awww...how sweet. Damn.
Next ! :P
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A Recovering Cryptic
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an affiliate of Hocus Pocus Focus On Family & Young Boys.
perhaps he was never gay to begin with....
Sounds like a simple Simon, a man who simply floats along with whatever society wants him to be..Be gay in the BBC? Sign him up. Fit in with straight people so he can have kids? Sure!
He is probably bisexual to boot.
What a silly article and with a dangerous headline he's written. Good luck to him and his kids.
Gay can be changed!!
This story is utterly stupid and make evangelical Christian even have more weapon to sell their products.
He is either a bi or curious in the first place! No shit such as no longer being gay!!
I wonder why Fridae brings such rubbish article here??
People usually buy a penis mobile... cheat with their secretary... get a new job... write the next great american trash novel... but he gets a wife and kid...
Personally I'm not at all shocked or surprised by his decision... To live with oneself for over 20 years with this going through their mind constantly: "But it is still not average behaviour. Homosexuality is an aberration; a natural aberration."
after all as quoted he "have long argued that homosexuality is natural but abnormal, to a torrent of hostility from gay friends who refuse to acknowledge that what you are and what stake you hold in society are not the same"
He just ran back into the freaking closet because he couldn't deal with being a minority. :D I hate to see how he'll cope being a minority within a minority...
How sure is he that being gay is just a phase and not the other way around? If he did become a dad, fathered a child, would he not go back to become gay again and 'realized' that men are more attractive than his then wife? After all having a kid is all what he wanted,right? Hope that woman he mentioned or any woman in that matter, can sense what he's really after or she'll end up getting hurt . This is an utterly stupid 'revelation' ! Sorry, I just cant help writing this as i really feel sorry for people who are being used by someone's own selfish purpose.
Through the "article" it seems evident to me that he is enamoured of the cute father and the cute son... The piece about them is almost homo-erotic!
So at the end he is "flirting" with a woman. Note that his delicious comments are about the males! No comment about the female, just an inference that it may be easier.
Good that Las Vegas is not closeby, or he may make a quick decision he may regret.
As a Canadian, where being gay has become boringly normal, I'd suggest that the writer move himself to a Country and city where he can celebrate his sexuality! If only for a while.
Feeling "normal" takes a bit of getting used, especially as the writer has been immersed in jobs and life where homo-phobia is the norm.
Wonder if he'd be sharing his reality with the wife???
If you are truly a gay, refrain from liking other males equals to rejecting your ownself.
Not sure if he is being proud of himself for doing so but if he was not a gay at the beginning, please just don't create the gimmick in the topic itself.
Such a crap.
A very harmful piece of writing esp to the LGTB community who is struggling to gain acceptance and fighting for basic rights.
It is not a choice for all, except that he is bisexual. Now that he has had "enough" of being gay.. he took advantage of that and all his partners and the tattoo delights, done that but left his harmful legacy by writing this article which is totally unnecessary ( except for a paycheck). Romanticising having a boy sitting on his lap ( bet his first child wil be a girl, now see that he might regret!!) He stereotypes straight man as interested in pistol engines and beer; gay man as streisand lovers... and portray BBC as a gay/'s nest! So much for having a small mind.
I bet Olga is pretty muscular and fxxks him with a large strap on.
it would be good to hear the Part 2 of the story - AFTER he gets married (to a woman) and they live together, say, for 2 years. is he sure he will not change his mind (again) then?
and if anyone has noticed, there was no real conclusion to the article...."And one day perhaps I will see that smile on my own offspring’s face and it will be heaven-sent"....
yes, we will wait for that day to arrive and perhaps by then, you would have gone for a sex change, in order to feel like a real, complete lesbian!! hahaha ...
Times Online shall read...."The day I decided to stop being gay....and be a lesbian pilot instead..." hahahahahaha
Would someone give up the beliefs, attitudes and values of their entire life, not to mention their real nature, in such a casual and flippant way? And just because they saw a child holding his dad's hand in a barbershop?
He takes some very sly digs at the gay community throughout. He says at the beginning, "...Not a fully fledged homo, anyway; perhaps not even a part-timer who helps the team out when it’s busy..."
What's that supposed to mean? What's a part-time homo? What team? Helping out whom when they're busy with what?
He's painting a picture of a gay community that CHOOSES to engage itself 24/7 in base and bestial acts.
The thought crossed my mind that maybe he needed to say this kind of stuff in order to be able to be accepted in his job: a kind of "recanting" of his "sins". But his language and expressions don't even sound like that of a gay person.
His views on adoption and on children seem very immature.
He says, "...Gays have children these days, of course they do, and not always to accessorise an outfit. Some gay couples adopt; others follow twisting paths to biological parenthood, often quite expensively, with the involvement of test tubes and cash changing hands. It is, really, a sort of snook to the system of nature. Shooting for the net without the chore of running with the ball. It’s just not for me..."
He seems to imply, among other things, that the only "right" child for anyone is one that is produced biologically by the couple, "in the old-fashioned way".
His remark, "shooting for the net without the chore of running with the ball", is an insult to every parent who has ever adopted a child. Is he aware that even people who had their own children have adopted other kids, for various reasons including simply to "give a life" for some other child? He implies that such people are lazy, dishonest oafs who couldn't be bothered to produce their own but wanted to cheat by stealing someone else's child.
What is so sacrosanct about impregnating someone yourself "in the old fashioned way" and adding to the already bloated population of the world? Does this guy even know that the biggest threat to our planet today is overpopulation that brings with it a whole lot of other problems?
To me this guy sounds like a "closet homophobe" cloaked in dumb turncoat's clothing, who's just laying the groundwork for future attacks from his religious group. And isn't he giving them some great ammunition with his headline? I just wonder how long it took, and how many heads it took, to CRAFT that oh-so-perfect godsend of a headline...
Hmm. Nothing's happening. Even though I've decided to change myself and be something else, why amn't I banging Angelina now?!
Maybe I need to try harder? Nnnnnnnggggggg...
Like Oscar Wilde once said: "When the gods wish to punish us, THEY ANSWER OUR PRAYERS!"
"I could not tear my attention away from the mirrored reflections..."
"....his father’s huge, workman-like fist...."
Is it just me or these lines in the article just sound so homo-erotic?....
but for discussion sake (cause i love discussing), i don't think i made myself clear. I'm refering to an excerpt from Albert Camus's "the Myth of Sisyphus: Absurd Walls" where he essentially says that we're dumb, and nature can teach us best.
: "...yet all the knowlege on earth will give nothing to assure me that this world is mine. You describe it to me and you teach me to classify it. you enumerate its laws and in my thirst for knowledge i admit that they are true. you take apart its mechanism and my hope increases. at the final stage you teach me that this wondrous and multicoloured universe ca be reduced to the atom and that the atom itself can be reduced to the electron. All this is good and i wait for you to continue. But you tell me of an invisible planetary system in which electrons gravitate around a nucleus. you explain this world to me with an image. I realize then that you have been reduced to poetry: I shall never know. Have I the time to become indignant? you have already changed theories. So that science that was to teach me everything ends up in a hypothesis, that lucidity founders in metaphor, that uncertainty is resolved in a work of art. What need had I of so many efforts? the soft lines of these and the hand of evening on this troubled heart teach me much more. I have returned to my beginning."
That's not the point of the paragraph, but the idea still fits into this.
and you'd be right to assume that I don't read the "times," but i do read the NY Times (occassionally). I'm more of an Economist kind of guy.
thanks..
About 10 years ago, a 50something yo lesbian friend of mine had an affair with a married man who was slightly than she was. This, after years of throwing off the "shackles" of heterosexuality (she had been previously married and had a son who grew up to be a cop!). She was actually flabbergasted that she rediscovered her fascination for the cock... I was pretty much disgusted... but it was fun and intriguing listening to how she saw her life being turned upside down... by her feelings...
Then there's another story of another friend... a man who met his lifelong partner in Bali. His partner had been "straight" until he met my friend.
In the end, you can't really help who you fall in love with. You can f*** anything and anyone. But love is something else. When you're in love, the whole world just disappears. And then slowly you see it for what it really is. How insignificant your touches and embraces... but it doesn't matter. Because what matters is that you have the ability to love and that's all.
The other day I was watching YouTube and was watching Wanda Sykes scoffing at the idea that being gay is a choice. I half agree with her: being gay is not a choice. You can't help the sex of the person you're attracted to. But I also see that the gay lifestyle can be a choice. The whole campness of Glee... or the orgy culture signified by the gay parties that get advertised here on Fridae... you don't have to be immersed in all that to be "out" or "gay".
I think this is true for a lot of us who feel that the effete-ness (and apologies to Oscar Wilde, but that queen was a superbitch) of gay culture is superficial and fails to represent what it means to be gay. But it's also a rich legacy... we have a rich history of gay culture (underground and mainstream) with our gay icons... they surely represent something we can all respect, if not aspire to. Beyond hero worship though... in the end, we only have ourselves.
Who's to say what is gay? Marrying a woman and having kids after having spent years sucking cock -- that's pretty gay to me. :-)
Like some of us here, I do sense a slightly forced formulation of thought in Mr Muirhead's article. But if we can be generous enough to resist the urge to psychoanalyse his writing -- if we just strip away the rhetoric and allow the gist of his argument to lay bare -- we also sense that it's not about the sex. Half his life has gone by and he wonders if he'd be any happier living a life of conventional fatherhood. Whether or not he will be fulfillled eventually is quite another matter but surely he deserves to explore this with whoever is both willing and able, and find out for himself.
Being a 40-something myself and having gone through a few relationships, his search for long term happiness strikes a chord with me. While I'm not about give up my gayness, I feel it's only respectful to allow Mr Muirhead his space to reject his.
I think at 41 his sexual drive is no longer as powerful as it once was – he’s not into guys as much, but he desperately wants kids, so he’s going to give staight a go. I have no problem with that in theory but, one of my sisters was married to man in a situation for many years. They had two children together and he kept on having intermittent gay sex. By the half way stage of the relationship they were literally only sleeping together once or twice a year for the purposes of procreation. It was a pretty cheerless relationship (to put it mildly) and their two beautiful children weren’t enough to keep them together. My sister finally had enough and walked out, she has custody of the children
I once worked for a man in his fifties who was in a similar situation. His relationship ended the same way as my sisters. For about 2 years before the split his wife lived in one bedroom he in another. I don’t mean “slept” I mean lived…they had their own tvs, tables and lives in separate rooms…the kitchen and living room were ‘no man’s land’. You could see it was hell on their children.
My sisters partner is now back in a relationship with a man, my older friend has turned to Jesus and lives alone, sees his children every second weekend. I know one of his ex boyfriends, he’s convinced he was happier twenty years ago. Both these men have many good qualities – they’re generous, caring, funny, well educated and good providers. But despite desperately trying for over a decade, they were unable to make their relationships work. Both the women involved say that it didn’t feel like a real marriage.
I wish this Patrick well. Despite the experiences listed above I think it is possible for him to settle down with “the right woman” and make a relationship in which its good to raise children. But, I think it’s going to be a much tougher road than he imagines…and there is more than a fair chance it will end badly.
"Does this mean that I no longer like men? No, of course not, and I won’t pretend. But in the streets and avenues of this country there must be many husbands whose interests are divided but whose choices are determined not by sexuality but emotionality."
In other words, the author doesn't proclaim that:
1) homosexual tendency can be changed or 'prayed away';
2) he longer likes men.
I think what he is trying to tell is:
1) he is a bisexual;
2) he didn't meet any woman for whom he fell in love before;
3) consequently he had been involved with men for many years and somehow overlooked the fact that he can also be attracted to women;
4) however, when he got the fortune to meet a women who melted his heart, he was able to fall for a woman;
5) after marriage, he is still sexually attracted to males;
6) but being attracted to males doesn't mean he has to sleep around with men because his emotion for his wife is strong;
7) one important consideration for choosing to marry a woman for him, a bisexual, was he wanted to have his own children.
So, guys, please don't be angry at him. This is not anti-gay article by the ex-gay and fundamentalists camp. It's simply a personal story of a bisexual who eventually chose to marry a woman for an important consideration, and to be faithful to her even though he is, admittedly, still homoerotic.
To deny the existence of bisexuals is as shallow as those straights who deny the existence of homosexuals. So, please accept that there are some people who are attracted to both males and females, and that we should respect them for their sexuality though it is different from yours. Some members of Fridae's may also be bisexuals anyway.
Sorry mate, but you're an idiot of a 41 year-old man who's accessorising YOUR outfit at the expense of others.
This reminds me of a scene from the movie "Go Fish" where a lesbian woman had sex with a guy and her lesbian friends found out and attacked her because of it.
It makes no sense. Even if the guy is confused, has issues with his sexuality, thinks he likes girls, has kids the old fashioned way, it doesn't mean he warrants all these attacks in this forum...
Beyond labels or self-deception, shouldn't we be supportive of anyone who claims to have found happiness... instead of all this bitchiness?
It's his choice. If he feels it to be right, why not?
i think its ok to one day like guys, then the next day get some pussy, then finally settle on what you like
i have kids and i must admit just cause you are a daddy and procreate it doesn't mean you still don't get your willy hard while attending your best friend's party where the newest version of Spartecus Blood and Sand is being shown (check out Barca, so beefy he is)
actually, in my family ( I have seven brothers); four are straight, two are gay and then there is me is likes beautiful people-- some girls some guys
welcome to the new gay family values in 2010:
anyway, the pressure on the game brother in laws is real (my two brothers are already married)
the new gay family paradigm in the USA is if you are not married by 30 then you are a loser
also if you don't have kids by the time you are 40 you are a double loser
men in our family are expected to get married and settle down -- same treatment whether the bro is gay or straight
actually, i have done lots of hot super model and muscle men and most anyone i want to these days:), sex is overrated and most of the people who really push it these days are running internet companies or making money off it or using it to sell products that no one really needs to buy
best feeling in the world is having a kid, just cause I am gay doesn't mean anything can take that away from me
so the new paradigm in this new decade is to get married, raise a family and get your kids into good schools and win in sports and be excellent in music and the arts, you can have it all -- its just a little expensive
kids make your less selfish and you work harder and are more motivated to strive for excellence in your life, you get to re-experience and re-live your childhood in some ways and strive to be a better parent than the ones that raised you
anyway, i have great fun with my kids and they are so normal and well adjusted
they are also great students who tested into the best kindergarten in one of the most competitive cities in the world
be a gay and happy daddy, go for it-- adopt, work out an agreement with someone - do whatever works for you man
finally, thanks to the many gay uncles out there that help their straight friends and gay friends raise them in the village, i couldn't do it without you guys
We all have every right to choose whom we sleep with. Their gender, their skin colour, and their individual sexual identity. All that matters is that you're honest with your partner(s) about those choices. Hope Patrick informs his lucky lady what lies in his past before he lets her give birth to his child!
Stop dictating 'right' and 'wrong' ways to be queer, 'gays' of the world! We're getting worse than the god squad!
As for you most queens that oppose his move to become straight, what if it's the other way round? discovering he is are gay after 41 and with children?
People in general tend to be haters, make love fairies!!!!!!!
but as good gays, we shall respect the decision of others no matter how absurd it is because we want to be respected, too.
Love has no boundaries!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports
Sexuality is not well understood even today and very hard to study. This guy may be conflicted, having a mid-life crisis, or always been bisexual and now wanting to procreate with a woman, not sure. I do think switching teams so to speak will cause one to catch hell from the former group. He could support gays and gay rights but just want something different.
I am glad the article is posted here. I hope to see more like this to encourage respectful discussions.
There are many of us who struggled to come to terms with being gay and spent many years believing that we could somehow make a different choice and still be honest to ourselves. We did not wake up one morning and decide to be gay. We did not give it a try just because everyone else at work was. In my opinion, to suggest that you can decide to not be gay anymore is outrageous and it is a lie.
I suggest therapy before he ruins some woman's life when she catches him in bed with another guy 5 years from now.
WAKE UP AND GROW UP....
I know about Kinsey's scale of 1-7 (I believe it is), from sheer hetero-ness to outright homosexuality. I always felt, esp. when younger, that I was on a more sliding scale. For a variety of reasons, I like younger men (just is.)
However, I helped raise the son of a woman that I knew (didn't live with them, just was a father-figure.) I can tell you that it was the best experience of my life (perhaps because he was such a trouble-free youth and turned into an incredible man.) He considers me to be the grandfather of his beautiful daughter.
Do I wish that I had raised a family? YOU BET! Does this guy's story make me think about it again (not reading the British version), Yes! Will I do something about it? Only if I ran into a woman who knew my situation and could put up with my occasional satisfying the "other side" of my needs. Unlikely to happen, so we can ALL do what he wants to do w/o the headaches. Help mentor a young lad or lass. Big Brothers/Big Sisters, juvenile detention facilities, court monitors, school tutor, etc., etc. There are tons of unwanted children out there who would love to have someone even just show SOME (healthy) attention to them and perhaps assist them along the way. YOU and they will be much better for it. I know that I am.
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