Fridae

Coming Out: it has never been mastered. I have yet to meet someone who has come out and has been accepted wholeheartedly by family, friends, workmates and acquaintances without questions or prejudices. But what does it take to come out? It not as simple as telling your mother you have a crush or telling your father that you like this boy or that boy.

The door of society is shut to us. We experience all kinds of discrimination, abuse and indifference everyday. But before we lose hope in all the confusion and pain we discombobulate ourselves in, let me show you that there is more than a flicker of hope.

The door may be closed, but there will always be open windows.

Window 1: Coming Out to Yourself

It is important for any homosexual to first accept the fact that she is not straight. Repressed homosexuals can turn out to be very unhappy. Aside from the fact that they hate themselves for being so-called "deviant", they will most probably cultivate a feeling of internal homophobia and be consciously aversive to other homosexuals.

I don't like medical terms or complicated language (mainly because my websteric abilities are limited) so in simple terms I say, Face IT, Admit IT, Accept IT. Sounds simple yet even I took so much time after the "Face IT" part.

Facing IT: Face the mirror, you're still the same person that you were when you had a boyfriend. You're still the same sweet girl you were yesterday and are today. You don't hate men, you just love women. Just because you like her doesn't mean you want to be a man, it means that you have found what is comfortable and you have found who is comfortable to be with.

Facing it is finding out what works for you.

Admit IT: Admit your attraction, admiration and strong attachment to other women. Assent to the fact that being close to another woman is what feels right for you.

Admitting it is an affirmation of your feelings towards yourself and who you love.

Accept IT: Accept that you can be in love with another woman. Concede with the fact that you can foster an emotional, spiritual and romantic relationship with someone of the same sex. From experience, you may even become a better lover.

Accepting is brushing away doubts about your sexuality and embracing the truth about yourself.

Window 2: Coming Out to Friends and Family

Now that you have conquered your fear of yourself, you may want to come out to those around you. One thing though, Stage 2 is not required. Yes you read it right, it is NOT required. We have the liberty to choose the time when, where and what we should say about our sexuality if we choose to tell others.

The experience is different for each person who comes out of closet. Some of us come out willingly and some by accident.

All of us hope we can come out willingly someday but usually the process is hastened by pressures and questions that have answers meant to pry open the diaries of our lives. Then we have no choice but to blurt it out during some family argument or friendly gathering.

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Friends: are normally easier to handle when we come out to them. My best friend refused to speak to me about my love life for two years. After all the drama of coming out to her (yes, there was crying and freaking out involved), the friendship went on but there was 2 years without mention of my girlfriend, still she just couldn't help it - she asked. Finally, ex-homophobic best friend asked me how my relationship was doing, unfortunately by that time, I didn't have a girl friend anymore. Then she sympathized.

I wouldn't say it was too late but I was hoping she'd accept it a bit earlier while I was in the middle of an excruciating picking-up-the-pieces process. But I am grateful that she, along with my other friends have been very supportive and accepting of my sexuality. Hey, they are worth my friendship after all.

Family: this is the tricky part. Families are unpredictable unless you have a gay or lesbian relative. If you do, observe how they treat that relative. Observe how they refer to that relatives' partner. More or less, you'll be able to gauge how you will be treated if you come out to them.

Again, it's not a requirement to come out to your folks or other relatives; it's really up to you. I am not very experienced in this arena (read: clueless) so I can't share much from my experience data bank.

Some of my lesbian friends tell different stories. Some got into so much trouble with their families that they either got thrown out or locked up at home until they "come to their senses". Some were even brutally beaten and not allowed to come out to other family members - they were ashamed. Some families were indifferent towards the issue as long as it wasn't mentioned or as long as no partner was introduced to them. Very few families were supportive and accepting of their daughters.

Here's the scenario, we cannot choose our families, yet we must choose our own happiness as well. Whatever you do, weigh it out. Weigh out the pros and cons of coming out to family members before you decide to say or do anything.

Window 3: Coming Out to the World

I'd like to believe that this is the last and final stage meaning you're done when you're over with it, but it's not. This is the stage that will go on for the rest of your life.

Everyday will be coming-out day for you. Society will look, stare and gossip about you and your purported bedroom indecencies.

Coming out to the world simply means living. Living the best way we can, living as honestly and as respectably as possible.

We are lesbian, women that love other women. It's not our fault that we are what we are and someday I hope society and we will reach a healthy compromise so that the third window will finally become the open door.

Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com