Fridae

You look in the full-length mirror. It cracks. Or you wish it would - at least that'll hide the bulges and pouches and the utter unbuff-ness of your body.

Looking at your reflection, you wonder if you'll ever get laid again.

Sounds familiar?

It's amusing, in a terrifying sort of way. Fat, that horrendous F-word, can drive even the butchest of marys and the buffest of gym bunnies to panic. In one short word, we equate social death, loss of self-esteem, exclusion from the sexual Olympics and the destruction of a carefully created wardrobe.

Gay men fear it. And oft-times, project that fear onto others through snobbery, contempt and rejection. We make snide remarks and catty comments because, subconsciously, we fear to become what we fear. As if being fat is contagious.

We've all been conditioned to it. Love the buff, dump the plump. If a person doesn't fall within the accepted standards of "perfection", they are somehow less desirable, less important. Nowhere is this more prevalent than the gay world, where the discrimination against body size has wrecked the self-image of many a gay man.

For many of us, it's not even conscious. We don't go out of our way to be rude to a fat person, or to express distaste at meeting one. For the most part, it's just blatant indifference. We dismiss them at first glance and move on to the next guy. We can be friends with them, but most of us would rather date their mothers than go out - or go to bed - with a chub.

Mark, who is 20kg (45lbs) overweight, shares his feelings about the painful rejections he often experienced in the past. "You get trapped in the cycle of hope and rejection. You walk into a bar, and no one looks past your body. You meet what seems to be a nice guy on IRC or through personals, and the moment you give them your stats, they completely ignore you. And you die a little bit each time that happens. You start subscribing to it, the whole beauty and body thing. And, already being an outsider to the 'normal' heterosexual world, you feel like even more of an outsider."

Many believe that this "cult of the body" mentality isn't an Asian phenomenon. They cite the fact that, until a few decades ago, the standards of masculine beauty were much different. "It didn't matter if you had six-pack abs," explained Antonio, a teacher from Manila. "

A good-looking face, a forceful personality and butch mannerisms, and you would be considered hot. But when gay men in the western world started to become body conscious, and to focus more on the meat than the man, I guess it was inevitable that we Asians would follow suit."

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Rico, a gym instructor, disagrees. "We just grew up. As knowledge of health and personal care grew, more and more people started to see the benefits of working out. And being gay men, we had to do things better. We had to look better, live more healthily and have more style. Psychologically, it meant being bigger and stronger, less likely to be pushed around. Men, gay or otherwise, will always feel more confident with more muscle. And if they find themselves attractive like that, they'll look for the same thing in other men."

"Whether that's true or not, it doesn't change the fact that the whole culture is very emotionally damaging to a person's ego," says Antonio.

"You feel very depressed by it all. After the first few times, I started to withdraw from everyone. I had friends, of course, who accepted me no matter how big I was. I felt hideous, awful, monstrous. I gave up on meeting new guys and pretty much dated the TV."

Sounds bleak, doesn't it? If you're a gay man who's not within the ideal height/weight ratio, does this mean you're consigned to a lifetime of ice cream bingeing and Bel Ami videos?

"Not at all!" says Mark. "Once you get over the initial depression, you come to realize that you're actually better off than those poor gym worshippers. There sometimes comes a point when you actually feel a little sorry for them."

When I asked Mark, what he meant about feeling sorry for gym bunnies, he laughed jovially and explained. "I was having dinner with another chub friend when two plain but well-muscled guys walked in. Feeling catty, we looked at each other and my friend said 'Poor them'. I said 'Yeah, they work so hard to on their bodies to compensate for their looks, while all we have to do is just sit here and look pretty.'"

And it's not really as strange as it sounds. After all, isn't it true that chubby guys make the most divine drag queens? It makes it easier to ham it up and dress outrageously, while still getting the lioness' share of applause.

"And, if you just accept reality, it actually becomes easier to find men. It's all about finding your niche and making the most of it." says Mark.

"There are a lot of great guys out there who have a thing for people our size, it's just a matter of finding them. It's certainly a smaller fishpond, with less competition, if you stick to those who like your type, rather than trying to outglam everyone else in the much larger, mainstream gay scene."

And many guys do seem to agree, as evinced by the growth of the many chub clubs, bars and hangouts all over the region, notably in Singapore, Hong Kong and Bangkok.

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Even on the Internet, almost every chat server will have rooms that cater specifically to chubs and their chasers, forming a distinct yet very friendly community.

"Just take a look at the gay life in the big cities in the US and Europe," says Antonio.

"Everyone's got their own space. There are clubs for chubs, leather boys, twinks, BDMs and whatever else. You just have to learn to be happy with your own people. In a sense, there are subcultures within a subculture. The scene's different for everyone - it's just a matter of finding out where you belong."

"You learn to accept yourself," he adds. "You know you just don't have the kind of personality that likes pumping iron and sweating profusely for hours on end, and your genes dictate a preponderance to being ponderous. So live with it and do the things you do like. It's all about being comfortable with yourself and refusing to be trapped in the mold with everybody else. Just go to the places where you do feel welcome, check out the guys who are interested, and enjoy that sinful dessert you love. It's really not as hard as it sounds. "

But what about in the areas of gay relationship and love?

"Well, you generally feel more at ease when you date someone who is a chub chaser. You already know that they like something about you," says Mark. "And even if things don't work out, well, you can handle it easier. A lot of chubs end up emotionally strong.

Many of us survived growing up being constantly teased about being both fat and gay. We're used to rejection. Now, it doesn't mean we constantly expect to get dumped. You can't live like that and expect to be happy. But most of us learn to handle it. What's the point of being miserable about your life, right? Especially when that misery's brought about by how others perceive you. So if I'm not your cup of tea, well, I wish you luck finding someone who is. But I'm not gonna let it ruin my night."

While many may see this attitude as just being defiant, others agree it's a source of strength. Acceptance of one's self and one's limits, finding value in one's own life and enjoying what one has, these are empowering values that can enable one to live with greater freedom and satisfaction. They are truths that many of us can do well to learn.

Despite the fact that the many differences and labels we give each other often become divisive, we need to learn to look beyond that and slowly reduce the voluntary segregation we undergo. Afterall, whatever our size may be, we have more in common with each other than the rest of the world - so maybe it's time we stop focusing on the differences.