Fridae

I don't like talking about how much I loved the original Star Wars trilogy. It makes me sound way too old. Like my colleague Alvin Tan, I too have lovely memories of playing the parts of certain characters. Unlike Alvin, however, I had no longing to be Princess Leia (she's a useless, self-righteous little bitch if you ask me). I wanted to be her father, the grand daddy of all evil ass-kickers - Mr Darth Vader.

Even at the age of [information deleted to conceal actual age of writer], I thought it perfectly natural to slaughter anyone who didn't agree with me, got in my way, or simply annoyed me. It was perfectly understandable to wanna wipe out that pesky rebellion, with their ugly clothes, dingy home bases, and a style seriously lacking in cool. But perhaps the major reason for my love affair with Vadey (he hates it when I call him that) was the fact that his trademark wheezing made it way cool that I had asthma.

Unfortunately, these alcohol-ridden mornings, I feel more like a cross between Yoda and The Emperor, with a healthy dose of Jabba thrown in.

Which brings me back to the topic of aging. While actually being able to remember sitting up in circle (yes, once upon a time cinemas had stall and circle seats) taking notes on how to start conquering the galaxy and bullying the little people does make me feel old, I'm glad of one thing: When it comes to the pop cultural phenomenon that is Star Wars, senior citizens who've passed their use-by dates like me had the real deal. This generation has to worship the crap that George Lucas spits out these days.

Ten years have passed since the last time we saw young Anakin Skywalker and the big-haired Padme Amidala, Queen of Naboo (I can't help but giggle every time I hear that name). The little boy's now grown up to be an angsty teenage Jedi, still under the care and guidance of a yet-to-be-old-and-crinkled Obi-Wan Kenobe. Very Batman and Robin, I must say. Queen Amidala is now Senator Amidala (why anyone would choose politics over royalty is beyond me) and her life is in danger. The Dynamic Duo of the Jedi world are sent in to protect her, and somewhere along the way, Anakin and Padme fall in love, the Senate is revealed to be corrupt, a massive clone army is built, and the entire Star Wars empire goes to hell.

In case you haven't yet picked up some very major hints, I didn't like this movie. It wasn't just that it was disappointing as a Star Wars movie, it was simply a bad movie. Let's start at the top of a very long list of why Attack of The Clones sucked.

I've seen episodes of Days of Our Lives that had better screenplays than Episode II. Dialogue between characters is choppy and stilted, and even worse - unintentionally hilarious.

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Watching Anakin and Padme whisper sweet nothings to each other has the strange effect of making one laugh and throw up at the same time.

Here's an example of the young Jedi's profession of love: "I hate sand. Sand is rough and coarse, and it gets everywhere. Unlike you... you are everything soft and smooth�" When things don't go right, the two lovebirds start sounding like a cheesy Diane Warren song. In fact, their courtship dialogue is so bad, I would have preferred if Anakin had simply said, "Hello. Let's fuck."

To make things worse, Lucas seems to be encouraging the movie's cheese factor. The young lovers frolic in a field by a waterfall, where they do the "boy pretends to be injured, girl gets worried, boy bursts out laughing, girl gets playfully mad, boy and girl start rolling around in the grass" thing. They also have conversations by a romantic lake, next to a burning fireplace, and on a balcony during a beautiful morning. These are overly clich�d situations that belong in a Leslie Neilson flick parodying B-grade romance crap, not a film with the pedigree of Episode II. What on earth was Lucas thinking?

The usually talented cast seems to be painfully aware of how much the script stinks, as they mechanically go about saying their lines. Perhaps the script allowed them nowhere to go. Perhaps it's because they were acting with a motivation-dry blue screen almost all the time. Or maybe they all did a crap job for more money they'll ever make on other films. I mean, honestly, with names like McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, and the much-hyped Hayden Christensen, it would be reasonable to expect something a little more than a school play with a cool wardrobe department. Fine, the work Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford did on the first trilogy wasn't exactly Oscar material, but at least they injected energy, spunk (not of the bodily fluid variety), and a general 'zing' into their performances.

Ok, I can hear some people screaming at their screens already. Star Wars was never about virtuoso performances or Wilde-esque wit. True. I'll move on to what many look out for in a Jedi flick - visual effects. The director with the impressive beard but no chin must have spent a not-so-small fortune on this CGI sundae. His team of visual effects artists would have spent lots of time and love on creating the buffet of strange creatures and awesome landscapes. And while most of it is impressive, it's also the films downfall. Attack of The Clones proves that you can have too much of a good thing. While that Planet with lotsa rain and water looked gorgeous, other digital locations, say everything in Naboo, felt like a walk through a Jpeg in Photoshop.

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The lack of believability might once again link back to the actors, who while sitting in their speedsters, look like men who squeezed themselves into a kiddy ride. Then again, I've seen more believable performances from guys playing Daytona at the arcade. Maybe it's because of all the damn "making of" stuff we see on TV. Watching these scenes, I could just see Christensen on a stationary prop, fan blowing in his face, blue screen behind him, camera whizzing by him.

Even the battle scenes go a little flat. The first chase scene involving Obi-Wan, Anakin, and a masked assassin goes on for way too long, especially given the fact that she's of no importance as far as characters go. The fight between Jango Fett (Boba's daddy) and Obi-Wan was more interesting, but I suspect I enjoyed it because it cut away from the Mills and Boons thing happening with Anakin and Padme. And the grand battle scene between a small army of Jedis and a very large army of droids didn't get me going either. Truth be told, I've been more excited over a Happy Meal.

For all the grandiose of the scene's Gladiator-like arena, the problem was that as a viewer, I couldn't give two shits about some Jedi extra getting shot between the eyes, what more a mechanical robot? In order for a fight scene to work, we've got to have characters we care about. Just take a look at every battle scene in The Lord of The Rings.

Were there any good things about Attack of The Clones? Well, there are several: 1) It was great to see R2-D2 and his fey partner in crime, C-3P0 providing intentionally funny moments. 2) It was also good to see a good old-fashioned light-saber fight at the end of the movie. However, Yoda's turn as an action hero reminded me more of Sonic the Hedgehog than know-it-all Jedi Master. 3) Senator Amidala has some really nice outfits ranging from romantic Laura Ashley type dresses to Alexander McQueen type leather dresses. She even has a nifty white pullover than conveniently rips off into a midrift. 4) Limited Jar-Jar appearances. 5) Hayden Christensen's nipples.

Episodes I to III have no chance of being as big a defining pop cultural icon for this generation. For that, my money's on a little trilogy involving a few little Hobbits, a pretty Liv Tyler, and an even prettier Orlando Bloom. The Star Wars empire will go on raking in the cash without question, but it now feels as if it's being made more with technology than heart.

And for that, I'm grateful my old bones were young and full of awe when the breathing-impaired baddie in a big black mask once ruled the universe.